Since becoming a mom and 2009, I have become even more socially awkward. So socially awkward that my sixteen year old self literally cringes with embarrassment whenever I have to socialize.
I’ve never been very good at socializing. I’ve been told that “I am bubbly and enthusiastic”, but I get the sense that I am not those things in a good way. Maybe I’m a little bit endearing, my social awkwardness appearing cute thanks to the rise of socially awkward protagonists. But I feel like I’m mostly…awkward. Painfully so.
I go out to a function, where I must interact and be social, and I hear myself doing and saying awkward things. Inappropriate things. I know what I want to say, how I want to act, but it never comes out the way I want.
I feel like my social awkwardness has gotten worse since the birth of my kids. My social anxiety is almost crippling now, which is why I say and do awkward things, because I panic. I mean, before…when I had to go out and do social things I’d usually just be drunk and wouldn’t notice how awkward I was.
Unfortunately, the majority of my responsibilities and engagements are inappropriate venues for drinking large amounts of alcohol (and I can’t just pass out on my friends couch, I have to drive home). Plus, I’ve got kids.
I think I could handle my social awkwardness and anxiety a little better if I contributed intelligent things to conversations instead of blurting out the first, and most times extremely dense sounding, thing that comes to mind. I promise I’m not dumb, I just sound it. Often. Because, panic.
I guess I’ll just have to get used to embarrassing the hell out of myself at social engagements, then not leaving the house for another week or two.