At War (With My Body)



I’ve always been at war with my body. The struggle to do all the things I want to do whilst not “over doing it” and causing additional pain to the chronic pain I feel daily has always been a complicated dance.

I keep telling myself that maybe the pain will be less if I could just keep active. I try to push myself, because I want to be able to do it all. I want to have energy. 

But it’s a constant battle, a never ending war.

I went to the gym tonight. I want to do cardio, to build up some muscles…and losing some weight would be nice too. I didn’t go hard, but I moved more than I have in the last several months combined. I’m hurting really bad now..but I’ll let you in on a secret: I was hurting really bad anyway. Whether I sit or stand, I hurt. 

My wrist has been causing excruciating amounts of pain lately. Likely because I’ve been working it by putting pen to actual paper, but also because there are several tumours in there that grind and press against the tendons and that’s just downright unpleasant on a “good day”.  The writing pen to paper just aggravates it more…so I need to stop. 

I can’t win, and it’s exhausting. I just want to get in shape and be healthier, and feel better. I’m not going to quit the gym after one session, I’m going to give it more time. Like I said, I hurt either way.

And it’s depressing. 

* * * *

On another note, today I took my three year old to get his feet measured for orthopaedic inserts. For the newcomers, I should explain that both of my sons have inherited my MHE. They each have different struggles already with it. My three year old has very bowed legs and his heels are collapsed. He walks with a lot of pain and we need to correct it, hence the orthopaedic inserts. My 5-year old’s bone growths press against the nerves and tendons, much like mine, and that causes him daily pain as well.

Today was hard; but I am thankful for medical advances and intervention. 

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
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