Some days, it’s ridiculously difficult for me to move through the pain fog and focus on the things that I need to do and want to do. My limbs feel heavy and sore, my mind feels as if it’s encased in cobwebs and dust…then I’m forced to somehow more forward through thick and sludgy air; through fog.
This fog is suffocating, and it often feels unbeatable. And it often is…because that’s the thing with chronic pain; it’s chronic.
But what’s even more suffocating than the pain, is the mental affect it has on me on days like today. I’d love to curl up into a ball beneath my warm blankets and just not move…but I can’t do that. I can’t just be immobile for days at a time. I have things I need to do…kids to entertain, dogs to let out and exercise, work I need to do…writing, marketing, errands, and household chores.
It seems like days when the pain fog is especially thick, I have more to do. More times when my toddler thinks it’s a great idea to run up the stairs to cause mischief, knowing that I can’t follow him with the regular ease I lack anyway. But it’s worse on days like today. I actually cry on days like today, because I just don’t want to move.
I dislike who I am on these days. Tearful, reactive and just miserable. It’s hard to feel that way when I strive to be positive. A positive mindset helps you get through the darkest days, it’s a small light that reminds you that you are not what you’re fighting…be it chronic pain, mental illness, or both.
On days like today; that light is so dim its scarcely there at all. I hold on to the knowledge that it is still there, even as dim as it is, and fervently try to recharge that glow in any way I can. Sometimes it’s plenty of couch cuddles with my boys and pooches, some days it’s a good book and a warm blanket, and some times it’s simply knowing that this too shall pass. At least, enough to have my light glowing brightly again.