Love & Marriage: On Arguments

I’ve always been very tight lipped about certain aspects of my life, more so out of respect for the people involved. I don’t mean to “paint a pretty picture” and only focus on the super awesome fantastic parts of my life, but a lot of the not so awesome stuff involves people I care about deeply and don’t want to wound with my words. So…I’m going to choose them very carefully. {My words that is}.
In recent times, I haven’t been as good a wife as I should be. I haven’t been as nurturing, as forgiving, as understanding as I should be. I’m working on changing that. Yes, there are some things that my handsome husband does to irritate me, but in the grand scheme of things those “irritations” are far outweighed by the amazing things he does. 
I’ve been resentful about the whole lack of a full-time job thing, and that isn’t fair. Matt and I discussed him not going back to work when he got laid off in October for a few months because I did need his help with two, I’m ashamed to admit, and because we thought we were moving. Matt didn’t want to get settled into a new job, start to love it, and then have to leave it. I was fine with that, but then when we made the big decision to stick around this Northern town, I guess I sort of just expected Matt would have a full-time, awesome job the next day. He thought he would be working full-time at the old shop again, but his hours keep getting dicked around and he hasn’t worked in a bit there. Other shops haven’t worked out as I thought they would…Matt never heard back from that interview he had, although he’s kind of glad. They pay is significantly less than what he was getting paid at the old shop. There’s an 8 dollar difference which is pretty huge. I need to be a little more patient about this job hunting thing. 
It’s hard though because stuff keeps coming up that requires money, precious gas money that needs to go elsewhere, thus hindering the job hunting prospects more-so because you need gas to drive places.
We seem to be having a bit of shit luck and instead of being on his side I’m being on the side of negativity and it’s not fair to him. I ride him hard about the whole job thing, and I need to stop. I’m conscious of that, and I’m working to change it.
In addition, I’m also super contradicting about the sleep thing. Matt will sleep in in the morning, until about 11am, and it would always irritate me and I’d bitch about it, but every night he gets up with Archer without my even knowing because he keeps turning the monitor off so that I can get night time sleep, but yet I bitch at him for needing to get his sleep in the morning…I know. I’m a monster. I’m working on changing that too. Some days, it’s really easy to allow him a sleep in. Other days, I get irritated about something totally unrelated and end up getting pissed about that because I’m being irrational. I’m irrational a lot lately, and I’m trying to better myself, so that I can better my marriage. Amidst the arguing, deep down I know that I’m part of the cause. If you aren’t the solution you’re the cause and you need to fix it in order to see a solution, or something like that…right?
He is a remarkable man and I often forget that in the sludge of my own stresses and worries. I stress about money and then take it out on him when he’s just as stressed about money as I am.
I know, it’s totally unfair. I need to learn how to express my irritations with other things without lashing out in anger. That’s the first emotion I go to all the time no matter what. I witnessed a lot of anger from my mom growing up, anger was her go to emotion too and I certainly don’t want to be like her.
So, Matt…if you’re reading this? I’m going to try my hardest to be better, to remember that you’re on my side and always have been. I’m sorry if I get frustrated easy over insignificant things. I’m sorry if I ride you hard {snort} about insignificant things.
You’re an amazing, remarkable husband, daddy and man. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel less than that. That was wrong of me, very wrong. 
And I know, we constantly laugh at the people who express their love/thoughts for their spouses on the Interwebz instead of just saying it…but I’m writing it here too to hold myself accountable. 
I’ve always been able to come to terms with things once I’ve written them out, on paper {or, rather, on the blog}. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not innocent or guiltless in recent arguments. In fact, I’m pretty much the cause of the arguments. I know I say it’s because you did that or this or the other, but obviously I’m grasping at straws in doing that.
In the middle of an argument, nobody wants to admit or realize that they are in the wrong, too.
I may be irritated about something, but my way of approaching you about it is wrong and I need to deal with that, figure out how to fix it so it doesn’t happen. 
I’ve heard a lot of people say they argue because they give a damn, they’re passionate about one another, and I know that’s why we argue, because we’re desperate to solve any issues. I will always be passionate about him, and I’ll probably always argue with him {it’s so fun}, but I want to do so in a healthy, constructive way. My anger hinders arguments from their purposes; which is to resolve something. Anger just makes it spiral, anger just laces words with malice even if the intent isn’t to be malice.
So, yeah. I’m working on some stuff, and I’m curious to know if any of my Fevered Friends have been in a situation like this? A situation in which they seem to be causing more harm than good? When they get mad about silly, insignificant little things about their spouse?
Also, dear Fevered Friends, if you have any advice on how I can not go to anger as my first emotion in dealing with anything slightly stressful or sucky, please fire it my way.

About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in life as I know it, love, marriage, Matt, struggles. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Love & Marriage: On Arguments

  1. dramaticmama says:

    Haha, where do I begin?
    Honestly. I can completely relate. I mean Calvin has a full time job, but he stays up all night then goes to bed at like 3-6am, sleeps until basically I wake him (but lately he has been getting up between 10-11am instead of 1-2pm).

    I have no advice other then the advice I give you through our imessage convo's. And I am far from someone to give advice since my relationship is VERY far from amazing. 😦

    Relationships are hard. Regardless of what is happening. 2 people. 2 different thoughts, views, parenting, jobs, etc etc. I think you do an awesome job. When you guys do fight, you all seem better within a couple hours.

    And lets be honest here again? No sleep, no job, plus depression? Equals the devil. lol. I can say that, because I deal with it first hand in myself. 😉

    When we move, I am going to start painting again. Dollarama sells canvas's, paint and brushes, and I can take my anger and everything out on the canvas instead of saying very hurtful things towards my man. It helped in high school when I was emotional, lets hope it helps now (especially with my depression and anger issues).

    I wrote a novel again. Sorry. lol. 😛

  2. Novels are always welcome! You've got some good points. It's why I blog, because it helps me stay sane haha! Writing = therapy for me in the best possible way.

    Have you heard back about the house?

  3. Oh yeah! I can totally relate. I also blame sleep deprivation for heightened arguments. No sleep = irrationality and hyper-sensitivity on my end and short tempered outbursts on both ends.

    I thinj you're doing the right thing. Also I find journaling on real tangible paper in a stream of consiousness way helps.

  4. Cara says:

    Hi sweet lady! I found your blog via Skunkboy Creatures and am SO GLAD that I did! I'm your newest follower. xoxo

  5. That makes perfect sense actually! So….it's the baby's fault! LOL jokes. And thank you, that's a good idea.

  6. Of course I've been through what you're going through. I think many couples do the first year (or more) of parenting. One advantage you have, that I did not, is help during the daytime and at night. Ryan was always gone to work during the day. At night time I was completely on my own because he had to get up to work. And yes, it effected my moods and made me bitchy a lot. But I was TIRED. Everybody gets crabby when they're tired. Kids and adults a like. So be a little easier on yourself. You guys will get through it. Matt will find a job and the kids will become easier to look after, and you'll look back at this and laugh. In the mean time, the only advice I can offer is to take a deep breath and focus on getting through that day.

  7. Good advice, that's what I try to do. I guess the sleep deprivation means I get easily worked up about stuff I really shouldn't. I just wish I didn't go to anger immediately when slightly frustrated.

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