I’ve been neglecting my blog lately. Each time I come to this space to write something, the words get stuck in my throat. My thoughts are heavy, and despite how much I hate to admit it…I am struggling.
Depression really does make no sense. By the books, January should be an incredible month…and it is. I started it out going to Cancun and having an incredible experience there. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and truly felt magic. I saw possibilities…I saw stars. I felt happy and light and carefree. I still see possibilities, I still see stars. But the happy, light, and carefree feelings have evaporated, despite how incredibly blessed I’ve been in January.
Book sales are going great, more and more people are reaching out to me to tell me that they loved reading Collide and Consumed. I’ve done a bunch of incredible author takeovers with more in the future. Damaged Goods is almost ready to be published…as soon as I get the cover in my hands (figuratively). I really love writing and this industry has been kind to me and for that, I am thankful.
I had two lovely ladies join my Scentsy team this month, and things with Scentsy have been going great too. I’ve got parties lined up and I’m making money, and I’m focusing on being a better leader to my team.
My schedule is jam packed with things that keep me busy. Kid appointments, babysitting, Scentsy meetings and parties, author takeovers, book promotions, writing and more. I’m so busy and distracted because I don’t want to fall into the hole of despair that winter usually brings. So, I’m surrounding myself with people I love, people that inspire. I am doing things that I love to do and I am focusing on me too.
And yet…I’m still mentally struggling to keep a positive attitude. I’m angry at myself because I know that attitude has everything to do with it and I’m trying to change my outlook from “why me? Why are things so hard? What did I do to deserve this shitty luck?” to “why me? Why do I get to have all these amazing experiences and opportunities?!” But it’s hard, because depression.
I can honestly say that I do focus on the good, I do see it and I am thankful for it…but I still feel at war with my mind and I am tired of it. Tired of the constant war.
Happiness should come easily, especially when you have so many things to be thankful for…
But when you have depression, that isn’t always the case.