No Air

I’m sick right now, with either a head cold or allergies. My eyes are leaky and I can barely see without squinting. My nose is so clogged and yet somehow, so runny. It’s really not a pretty sight.

Plus…it feels like I can’t breathe. Probably because I can’t, at least not normally. I feel as if I am struggling to get oxygen, like the air is uncharacteristically thick.

Want to hear a rather embarrassing truth about me? Being unable to breathe actually gives me panic attacks, which makes it even HARDER to breathe.

I try not to think about it, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I focus on breathing and how much of a struggle it is and my heart starts pounding frantically in my chest. I’ve had several the last two days in a row. Naturally, I feel exhausted from that as well.

I think I also have Christmas to blame for my increased anxiety. It’s the middle of November already, and people have already started decorating and finished their Christmas shopping. I am dreading Christmas shopping. It seems like every year, our buy-list gets longer and our wallets get smaller. I’m just not feeling it this year, you know? I am sick of the consumerist high we all live off. I’m sick of the pressure to please everyone and do everything perfectly on point.

This year, I want to say “fuck the traditions”. I want to make my own tradition of not making a massive deal out of Christmas. I don’t want to go broke but I also want everyone to have a good Christmas.

I think this year, I’m going to lean more towards “experience gifts”. Maybe a family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge, or get them enrolled in fun extracurricular activities. Zoo tickets, hockey games, and movie tickets.

I would like to “experience” a holiday with minimal stress, anxiety and guilt.

I would also like to “experience” more date nights. Somehow.

Don’t be alarmed, I am usually a Grinch until two weeks to December. Then the holiday bug bites me in the ass and I get into the spirit of Christmas and the magic of giving, yada-yada-yada.

Anyay…despite how crappy I’ve felt (emotionally and physically), I have covered lots of ground with my writing for NaNoWriMo. DAMAGED GOODS is coming along perfectly. Tomorrow, I will sit down and blog about my “cast of characters” and the muses (or actors I see “playing” my characters if it ever becomes a movie), as well as give more details about CONSUMED and other projects. Yay Tuesday!

Now, I need to get back to listening to music on Youtube writing.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
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3 Responses to No Air

  1. Ugh! Being sick sucks. I am so proud of you for pushing through and writing your novels! You are super talented and they are going to be successes! Also, holidays are always stressful! They make me want to hide under the bed. I totally feel you!

  2. Erika says:

    I totally get how you’re feeling and can definitely relate! Hang in there and stick to your guns – do what will make you and your family happy, not what everyone else expects the holidays to be. I hope you feel better soon 🙂

  3. I panic when I can’t breathe, too! This is why I can’t sleep with a blanket over my face. I logically know I can breathe, but it’s harder to, and I instantly start to freak out.

    I love the idea of experience gifts! I spent the last few years stressing over Christmas, and was starting to, this year, until I remembered that it’s not about the gifts. It’s about the time spent with the people we love. I stress even more about making all of the stops. I’m so tired of trying to please everyone and killing ourselves to see everyone on Christmas Eve and Day.

    Feel better, love.

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