I’m sick right now, with either a head cold or allergies. My eyes are leaky and I can barely see without squinting. My nose is so clogged and yet somehow, so runny. It’s really not a pretty sight.
Plus…it feels like I can’t breathe. Probably because I can’t, at least not normally. I feel as if I am struggling to get oxygen, like the air is uncharacteristically thick.
Want to hear a rather embarrassing truth about me? Being unable to breathe actually gives me panic attacks, which makes it even HARDER to breathe.
I try not to think about it, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I focus on breathing and how much of a struggle it is and my heart starts pounding frantically in my chest. I’ve had several the last two days in a row. Naturally, I feel exhausted from that as well.
I think I also have Christmas to blame for my increased anxiety. It’s the middle of November already, and people have already started decorating and finished their Christmas shopping. I am dreading Christmas shopping. It seems like every year, our buy-list gets longer and our wallets get smaller. I’m just not feeling it this year, you know? I am sick of the consumerist high we all live off. I’m sick of the pressure to please everyone and do everything perfectly on point.
This year, I want to say “fuck the traditions”. I want to make my own tradition of not making a massive deal out of Christmas. I don’t want to go broke but I also want everyone to have a good Christmas.
I think this year, I’m going to lean more towards “experience gifts”. Maybe a family vacation to Great Wolf Lodge, or get them enrolled in fun extracurricular activities. Zoo tickets, hockey games, and movie tickets.
I would like to “experience” a holiday with minimal stress, anxiety and guilt.
I would also like to “experience” more date nights. Somehow.
Don’t be alarmed, I am usually a Grinch until two weeks to December. Then the holiday bug bites me in the ass and I get into the spirit of Christmas and the magic of giving, yada-yada-yada.
Anyay…despite how crappy I’ve felt (emotionally and physically), I have covered lots of ground with my writing for NaNoWriMo. DAMAGED GOODS is coming along perfectly. Tomorrow, I will sit down and blog about my “cast of characters” and the muses (or actors I see “playing” my characters if it ever becomes a movie), as well as give more details about CONSUMED and other projects. Yay Tuesday!
Now, I need to get back to
listening to music on Youtube writing.