Confession time…I hate the term “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, mainly because it’s something that I constantly do. Guilty as charged! I rely too much on possibilities, putting my all into it.
I’ve gotten a smidgen better at not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but the vast majority of them are in one basket.
Hope. It’s what I cling desperately too. I focus on the positive things that could happen, determined to somehow make them happen out of sheer will.
When things don’t go the way I desperately hope they will, I feel crushed. Destroyed. Terminated by failure. Heavy feelings to cope with, to deal with. I’ve been this way forever. One extreme (blind hope) to another (sheer despair).
I feel beaten down by the “wrong turns” life has bestowed upon me. I feel betrayed by my own self when I continuously put all my eggs in one basket, knowing what I know…that they’ll all break.
I obsess over outcomes and cling to the ones that I want because I have a difficult time accepting when things don’t go my way. I’m not sure if this is just who I am, or a side effect of depression and anxiety.
The sad reality is, things don’t always go according to plan. Shit happens. You’ve got to learn how to roll with the punches and not invest everything into one area.
Example…the job out west. Oh, how I based everything off that job! How I counted on it! All that money meant that we could finally start chipping away at our debts, paying them off until we were debt free and able to start saving for our own place. All that money also meant I would be able to invest into my writing career…if we were careful about balancing.
I planned out the next year on that, I put all my eggs in that basket and when it fell through, it was very hard for me to accept. I kept thinking…but we were going to pay off our debts! We were going to save for a house! I was going to be able to do wonderful things for my books, promos and marketing and giveaways!
I fell into that infamous pit of depression. I didn’t do anything because I couldn’t figure out what to do. It was harder on Matt, because he also suffers from depression and he had been so excited to finally bring us out of debt and provide more than what we’ve had in recent years. His self-esteem took a MAJOR hit, and he was left feeling like a failure. I didn’t help with my obsessing over that lost opportunity and my pushing for him to figure it out. I put a lot of pressure on him, telling HIM to figure it out because I just couldn’t cope. But he couldn’t either, and he felt the added weight of me laying the pressure of providing for our family on JUST his shoulders. I dropped my load on him and didn’t help him find a solution, chosing to tell him to figure it all out on his own.
It’s hard to have depression and to stay motivated. It’s especially hard when you have to be the soul provider because your spouse suffers from chronic pain. It’s even harder when your ‘honey-do’ list is so high because there are a lot of things your spouse can’t do.
So, things were shitty. We are both digging out of the pit now. Matt’s had interviews and we are trying to keep each other motivated. My biggest flaw is the “putting all eggs in one basket thing”, and I’m trying not to do that. My other big flaw is throwing my hands up and unloading all my worries on my husband for him to deal with, which definitely isn’t fair. You’re supposed to share that load of worries.
I’m not blind to my faults, I see them. I’m not blind to his faults either, I see them as well. I know we’ve made mistakes and likely will continue to make them, but I also think that every other couples struggle with things like that. They don’t always have their shit together, they don’t always work well together, sometimes their teamwork skills need improvement. Sometimes, they clash. And that’s okay, because life is about growing and learning and the ever changing seasons.