My children think it’s appropriate to wake up at the crack ass of dawn every single morning, except those mornings in which we HAVE to be up early. On those mornings, they sleep in. Now that it’s summer, I was counting on enjoying a couple months of lesiurely mornings. However, no matter how late my children stay up, they insist on getting up at 6am.
When they open their eyes, they don’t play quietly in their room for a little bit or even come into mine and cuddle me awake. Nope, their eyes open and their feet hit the floor and it’s game on. I don’t even have time for a morning pee before the youngest scurries down the stairs and starts shoving all kinds of food into his face hole. He is fast and inhales the food he shouldn’t be touching until at least
nine A.M. after lunch.
I can’t help but wistfully think of the revenge I long to unleash upon them. Revenge that, unfortunately, must wait several years. But I can be patient.
When my children are teenagers, I will unleash the years of early parenting torment upon them.
Weekend sleep ins will never happen. Not ever. Nope. I’ll be a little kinder and insist that they wake up at 7am instead of 6am, but there will be no sleeping away the weekends in my household. If they’re anything like their father, so much as one sleep in will create a terrible habit that their future wives (or husbands) will one day curse.
So, at 7am every weekend morning, I’ll wake them up. I have already gleefully made a list of the wake-ups I could do…
Example 1: hide bacon under their blankets and unleash the dogs.
Example 2: introduce them to the wonderful game of Dr. Pee-Pee. You know the game, the one where you get a bowl of warm water and stick their hand in it.
Example 3: give them special alarm clocks that have the shrillest toddler scream-cry ever, a recording from when Archer was a toddler. There will be no sleep button and a special code to deactivate that only I know.
Or maybe….Example 4: a bucket of cold water dumped on their heads.
Surely I won’t even get that far, because they’re smart and they will realize the easiest way to avoid such treatment is to get up before I have to wake them up.
I will walk around making messes while they clean so they have to clean it up again. They’ll do it if they really want to borrow the family car for that hot date. Maybe I’ll leave little pieces of lego scattered around the hallways at night so they step on them when they have to go to the bathroom. That could also work for if and when they attempt to sneak out…hmm.
The best part is that all of my revenge could just be a really amazing form a birth control. What’s wrong kids? I’m just training you for what life with kids is really all about!
Speaking of birth control, I can’t wait for that talk. Honesty is the best policy and I will be showing them detailed pictures of sexually transmitted dieases in order to teach them the importance of always wrapping it.
My children will probably have weekend jobs in an attempt to escape me. I can see me being very annoying if they don’t want to do anything with their lives…I mean I already annoy them with demands for cuddles until I get them outside and playing.
I also have a tendency of taking away things and hiding them. It’s not that hard to change the Wifi password or hide an x-Box cord.
Parenting older kids will be so much fun.
Or at least, that’s what I’m telling myself to get through these days.