Locked In

Sometimes I feel locked in my own head.

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I’m not even entirely sure that makes sense…but, that’s how I feel. Especially when I feel completely overwhelmed, depressed and anxious. I get locked into my own head, and my ability to communicate all but evaporates.

I cannot form the words to explain what I’m thinking because I am literally locked in. It takes me hours to come out again, hours of trying to find the words to explain what I’m thinking and feeling. And if the person doesn’t have the patience or williness to understand me…I shut right back down again.

It’s aggravating for everyone involved. It’s hard to deal with that kind of pressure in your own head.

I’ve been having a lot of tough days lately, where I get locked into my own head. A swirling mess of negativity surrounds me and while I know that I am blessed…I struggle to hold on to that. I struggle to focus on the good.

I used to be such a positive person. I’m not really sure when or how that changed…but it did. Now I seep negativity.

I think it’s because any time I dared to be optimistic about anything, the rug was ripped from under my feet and I was left with that horrid sensation of falling into the unknown. I felt silly and naive for being so hopeful and optimistic, for “putting all my eggs in one basket”. When I stumbled and fell…all those eggs broke.

A lot of my depression streams from the inability to change any given situation. I am trapped under the weight of my own medicial and physical limitations. My mind works in ways my body refuses. My mind will be awake, eager to get out and get moving…while my body clumsily tries to keep up. I don’t really think that makes a whole lot of sense, but there it is.

I wish I could change things. I wish I could change me. I wish I could make all the things I wish for happen. I wish that the rug would stop getting ripped from under my feet. I wish I could stand resilient against any and every shitty situation tossed at me.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
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2 Responses to Locked In

  1. Oh yes! I can relate to this so much. It’s like wanting to move but being frozen in mud. It is so exhausting.
    I want You to know that you are an incredible writer and person. The thing to remember is that these feelings pass. Even with your body, there will be some better days than others. Some with more pain and some a little easier. I am standing beside you feeling the same emotions today.

  2. Gerry says:

    I’ve been there. I don’t have any answers as far as getting out of your head, though. I sometimes compartmentalize things I maybe shouldn’t and wind up leaving stuff in my head. It sounds like you at least eventually come out and unburden yourself.

    As for the optimism bit, and I don’t want this to come off wrong, because again, I have no answers (who does?) but it also sounds familiar to me. I think optimism tends to end in negativity because it’s not realistic. The key is now scale back the negativity by living more in the now and not worrying as much about what ifs. Cross bridges when you get to them. Again, I don’t know. People sometimes call me negative, but I know I’m not at all. It’s all a struggle. Just find a balance that works for you, I guess.

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