Influenced

I have been feeling lately as if I’m caught in a hurricane of emotion. Some of it (most of it?) comes from me. A lot comes from people and situations around me…situations far outside my control.

My anxiety is on edge. Uncertainty seeps into the cracks and crevices of my mind and soul. The things that seem outside of my control leave me feeling powerless and almost hopeless. Paralyzed.

We still don’t have a date when Matt will leave for Regina again. Having a solid date might elevate some of my anxieties. The him leaving bit will be a challenge, but the work and the money will soothe some of my inner turmoil. Things will go back to feeling more stable, I will feel more in control.

Sometimes, everything feels like it’s not enough. We could be doing more. We should be doing more. All of my wants eat away at me and I struggle to stay in the present and be happy with what we have. We do have a lot, we are blessed. I just want more…I dream of more. Family trips to all the places I want to take the kids…things I’d like to have. Freedom and ease of knowing that even if we do all the things I want to, we won’t break the bank.

Those emotions coupled with taking on other people’s emotions makes for a roller coaster of a ride.

I need a vacation. From my head, from myself.

Funny to think that I would be on my way to St. Louis next week, had things gone according to plan (they didn’t).

I suppose I’m just sad about that. I’m sad to not be going on a trip. Stupid, huh? There are others out there with far worse worries, dealing with terminally ill family members…impending homelessness…and I’m sitting here moping because some of, not all of, the things I wanted to do this year haven’t and won’t happen.

It makes me feel guilty, which only adds to the swirling black cloud of negative emotions around me.

I truly wish it were possible to turn off my mind, to find a way to constantly live in the present…to always choose happiness. Not all my days are dark, but the dark ones do feel plentiful and overwhelming.

The one saying that keeps me going is…it’s always darkest before the dawn. I tell myself that good things are about to happen, emotionally speaking, for me. Good things have been happening, it’s just my perception and emotions that are madly off.

I let the little not-so-good things eat away at me.

I need to find a permanent way to stop doing that.

For now, I’ll take comfort in the knowledge that this is temporary.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
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4 Responses to Influenced

  1. Here is something that might be worth considering: when I was practicing meditation (the key word here is “practice”) the teacher suggested that we think about the thoughts that keep running through our brains as puppies. Puppies that have not yet been house-trained. You put the pup on the paper so she can pee. If she wanders off the paper, you gently but firmly take her and place her back on the paper. As many times as it takes until she learns that the paper is the place.
    Just as it is when I want to practice being in the present, if my mind wanders and I catch it, I take myself GENTLY but firmly back to present. It is something that takes practice.
    Exactly what you are doing now. Practicing. Noticing. And nabbing those thoughts and anxieties and tuning them out. You are right. It is a temporary state and will become familiar and ingrained with practice.

  2. Oh man, I know that feeling about wanting to turn your mind off all too well. Yeah, having a solid date about Matt leaving would maybe make you feel better because you could mentally prepare for it.

    That is sad about the St. Louis trip. You were looking forward to it. But I have no doubt that when you make it big as a famous author you’ll be traveling around the world! There are big things to look forward to in your life. Revisit your memoir! Tell your story!

  3. Pingback: Scraps | The Fevered Pen

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