I am often at war with my own thoughts. I know that sounds silly, and I suppose, to those who don’t suffer from mental illness, that it is funny. How could you be at war with your own thoughts? Just don’t think them.
But those who fight the daily battle of depression (or other mental illnesses) know, it’s not a facet that can simply be turned off at will. If that were the case, we wouldn’t be so exhausted from battling with our own thoughts.
I am in a constant, daily battle against my thoughts.
Those around me are busy with work and their own lives. When that happens, I assume the worst. They don’t care or want to be around me. That I am not worth the time. I have to talk myself out of those thoughts, because they usually aren’t true.
When I meet up with someone for a hang out, I over analyze every move I make. Did I leave too early? Did I focus enough on the conversation and not the pain in my foot or other such distractions? Was I nice enough, engaging enough? What if they don’t actually like me?
Then I spend the next several hours trying to turn off that facet. I’m over thinking and I know it.
It’s hard to not jump to the worst conclusion about myself, because the depression whispers dark things about why and how I am unworthy. But I know, depression lies. The things it whispers are not the truth.
It just takes some reminding. Sometimes, I can distract myself away from those intrusive, self-destructive thoughts, but sometimes, I need a little help. I need to hear it from a voice that is real and louder than the depressed, intrusive one in my head…which happens to be the one that tells me they are tired of dealing with my “issues”, ironically enough.
There is good news in all of this…and that is that I am aware of how to separate these voices, and know the lying dark monster of depression in all its faces. I didn’t used to know what forms it could take, but now I do.
And I’m prepared to battle it out day in and day out, and when it gets to be too much…I have many people I can call in for support.