It’s a strange thing, feeling this divided. Split in two…incomplete. For the most part, I can shuffle through my daily tasks and to-do list.
It’s the quiet moments that it catches me, that feeling of being divided. Almost like feeling homesick. It stabs into my heart quickly, the knowledge that I don’t need to put on another coffee for him (which I do because I like to do, having coffee made for you is a wonderous thing). It’s the knowledge that I can’t crawl into his arms at the end of the day and relax into his chest, hearing his heart beat and having that moment calm and relax me no matter what happens that day.
I know, this is only temporary. That’s what’s kind of scary, you know? That the heaviness of his absence weighs on me this much, in the frequent yet fleeting moments when it hits me. I’ll shove it away quickly, because I know he misses me just as much, and I know not dueling on those feelings, that heaviness is essential to keeping the kids calm.
I don’t want to undermine this entire experience by saying it could be worse, but it very well could be. And that just makes me more appreciative and thankful.
I’m trying to be gentle with myself. Since we got together seven years ago, we haven’t really been apart. Not like this, not with this amount of distance between us.
My heart misses him, my soul misses him. I feel the distance. It’s surreal, and at times…intense. But I’m thankful, because it has reminded me just how much I need him and how important he is to me. Sometimes, we lose sight of that when faced with the daily grind.
Again, though. My intention is to acknowledge all these emotions that come with this journey, which includes the not so good ones too.
I miss him, the boys miss him, but we’re doing okay. I’m doing okay. Those quiet moments are difficult, but I’ve gotten through them.
I’ve been told by others in my position (solo parenting while their spouse is out of province/country working) that the first time is the hardest, and by the 3rd time around, it’s just routine. I can live with that, because although those quiet moments suck, and the feeling of being divided and homesick is unpleasant, it kind of…grounds me. Reminds me what’s truly important.
Archer slept terribly last night, he was up crying every hour. They both miss him, and it’s difficult for them to comprehend a whole month. They woke up expecting to see Daddy either in our bed or downstairs. Thankfully, they handled it pretty well when they found out he wasn’t. Nolan told me he really missed him, but that’s pretty much been all he has said today (so far) about it.
I’m sore, but I’m managing. Again, doing things ahead of time, sticking to schedule and being gentle on myself has helped a lot. I’ve been driving the truck to the bus stop. I know, I could walk…but when I have to worry about everything else with no backup, it’s just not a good idea to use up any energy that I could store.
It’s only day 2. I’m aware that I can’t go this gently on myself forever, as that would be very boring for the boys. There will be some activities I’ll have to pay for later and struggle through. We’ll be walking downtown on Saturday to enjoy the festival, joining up with one of Nolan’s classmates and his mom. Sunday, we were supposed to go to the zoo….but I’m playing it by ear, seeing how I feel after our Saturday activities. I’m not going to push or guilt myself this month.
I suppose, in a way, it’s been a blessing…this solo parenting thing. It’s given me the opportunity to learn how to better pace myself and how to be more gentle on myself.