I’ve always had difficulty when it comes to speaking my feelings and thoughts, if I’m even a little emotional, I can’t seem to find the right words to express how I feel. But I can write them, straight from my heart. Seeing the words look back up at me, being able to fix the ones that don’t fit…that helps a lot.
When I was younger, I would write what I now call “emotional letters”. I wrote them if I felt hurt or slighted by someone or something. I wrote them when I had feelings I couldn’t verbally express. I had a lot of those emotional letters kicking around. I wouldn’t give most of them away, I’d keep them for myself. It was good to know how I felt about a situation, but I still hated confrontation. Maybe my words would come across as harsh or misguided to the receiver, and the last thing I wanted to do was make them (or myself) uncomfortable. Sometimes, I did…if I truly felt after reading it that the person should read it too.
When my ex-boyfriend of a year dumped me, I wrote him a 4 page letter and mailed it to him. I wanted him to know how he made me feel, how blindsided I’d been by the breakup. How much it hurt going from discussing apartments to apply for together when he joined me at college the next year to hearing he no longer loved me and couldn’t be with me, just days apart from one another. I called him to ask if he had received my letter, and he had. And I could tell the weight of my words and heartbreak weighed on him, but that didn’t change things. In hindsight, I am thankful for that. I now know that love I experienced with him was nowhere near as strong or as real as the love I experience with my now husband. Back then it hurt, but I will never regret telling him how he made me felt. I hope in doing so, that I taught him a lesson…mean everything you say and if you don’t, don’t say it.
I took to blogging because I am able to express my thoughts and feelings and get feedback about them. I am able to hear “yes, I know how that feels“… it’s a good feeling. Before I started blogging, I keep those thoughts locked in my head. For an emotional person who can’t seem to express her emotion properly, it was a heavy weight to bear on my heart and soul. I often felt misunderstood. I would often get into arguments with those close to me because I couldn’t express how or why I felt a certain way about a situation. Actually, this still happens.
It’s a curse of mine. I feel a lot of empathy for those around me. I am affected by their moods and I almost take their pain on as my own, because I feel so much for them. When I read heartbreaking news articles about humans failing one another and hurting one another in terrible, malicious ways…it affects me. When I hear about a child being hurt in anyway, it destroys me. Matt understands this, but admits it drives him nuts to see me hurt over something that isn’t even relevant to me. But I feel that it is relevant to me, the suffering of those around me…even the suffering of those I’ve never met. I want to help them, or at least relieve their pain. I am just made this way. I can’t help the way I’m wired though, and he understands this.
I am thankful for my empathy though. I would rather have a lot of it, so much that it overflows, then none at all. The problem with our society today is that too many people lack empathy. I’m glad I’m not one of them, and I’m glad I’m not afraid to have and show that empathy.