Sometimes; I feel ugly.

Sometimes, when I am frustrated with myself, I want to peel my skin off so I can start anew. Sometimes, I say things that are ugly…things that make me feel ugly, because I am sore, stressed, frustrated and anxious. Ugly things invade my mind and dribble out of my mouth. Things I don’t want to say but I end up saying anyway. It’s like I’ve lost control of my ability to keep the ugliness, the poison, from seeping out of my pores and infecting those around me.

I end up lashing out because I feel trapped. Trapped in a world where everything…and I mean everything…is outside of my control. I desperately cling to anything I can even slightly control, like the schedule for our day…even knowing that it likely won’t go the way I planned because things don’t always go the way they’re supposed to. And then I get crazy again, because I’ve lost control…again.

I try not to be ugly, because I truly don’t want to hurt those around me with my attitude and words. But sometimes, I am ugly.

And that’s okay, because we all have our moments of ugliness. It’s what you do after.

I’ve noticed something. When someone has a bad day, if you react to them in kindness and love…you’ll change their entire day. You’ll stop the ugliness. Unfortunately, you can’t always have someone wrap their arms around you and pour love your way. Sometimes, you have to do it yourself…for yourself.

I’m learning how to do that for me, because I deserve that from myself for myself.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in anxiety, blogging, challenges, chronic pain, conflicted, depression, emotional, happenings, hard stuff, health/medical, heartache, heaviness, honesty, insecurities, musings, personal, the blah blah blah, tough stuff, ugly cry, um what?, uncensored, verbal diarrhea, words and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Sometimes; I feel ugly.

  1. I know this feeling too well. Ironically, this post is beautifully written. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I love you!

  2. Gerry says:

    It’s what you do after.
    I have a temper. I yell. It’s taken me 40 years and my daughters to look at myself objectively and think of how my yelling affects my girls. I now know enough to apologize as soon as possible whenever I go off the handle. And even though my oldest is only just about to turn 5, I know those apologies and discussions have had an impact. She knows I’m human and that gives her the freedom to be human as well. And the amazing thing is, I have less and less need to apologize since my girls have been around. It’s great how they teach us while we think we’re teaching them.

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