Sometimes, when I am frustrated with myself, I want to peel my skin off so I can start anew. Sometimes, I say things that are ugly…things that make me feel ugly, because I am sore, stressed, frustrated and anxious. Ugly things invade my mind and dribble out of my mouth. Things I don’t want to say but I end up saying anyway. It’s like I’ve lost control of my ability to keep the ugliness, the poison, from seeping out of my pores and infecting those around me.
I end up lashing out because I feel trapped. Trapped in a world where everything…and I mean everything…is outside of my control. I desperately cling to anything I can even slightly control, like the schedule for our day…even knowing that it likely won’t go the way I planned because things don’t always go the way they’re supposed to. And then I get crazy again, because I’ve lost control…again.
I try not to be ugly, because I truly don’t want to hurt those around me with my attitude and words. But sometimes, I am ugly.
And that’s okay, because we all have our moments of ugliness. It’s what you do after.
I’ve noticed something. When someone has a bad day, if you react to them in kindness and love…you’ll change their entire day. You’ll stop the ugliness. Unfortunately, you can’t always have someone wrap their arms around you and pour love your way. Sometimes, you have to do it yourself…for yourself.
I’m learning how to do that for me, because I deserve that from myself for myself.