I have this friend. A wonderful, beautiful, intelligent friend named Bertha*. Bertha is, unfortunately, trapped in co-dependency hell. She is currently living with her soon-to-be ex-husband. They are separated, and their relationship is literally just a co-parenting one. They’re scarcely even friends, I think, because he sounds like an idiot (and I’m not one to judge, really, but Bertha is beautiful and intelligent and this guy literally does not know what’s in front of him).
Bertha’s soon-to-be ex-husband, Bob, is afraid to leave, probably because he has co-dependency issues. He doesn’t want the kids to grow up in what he deems a “dysfunctional” family life (because having two happily divorced parents with their own places is somehow more dysfunctional than living with your enstrangled spouse in awkward limbo).
Bertha was eager to work things out, but Bob has a lot of emotional issues and substance abuse problems that he refuses to address or acknowledge. Oh, and there’s the intimacy thing…he refuses to be intimate.
Obviously, this situation is not ideal for either person. It’s holding them both back. Bertha is so bright and funny and deserves to find a wonderful man that’ll actually give a shit about their relationship. Bertha has asked Bob to leave, because their relationship is over and it is going nowhere. Bob refuses.
So, I compiled a list of suggestions for Bertha.
1. Enforce the rule of either you fuck me semi-regularly, or you leave my house so I can find a guy to get the job done. Bertha has needs. She’s a woman. Right now, Bertha has a giant cockblock living in her apartment. And, I suppose it goes both ways. Maybe by enforcing this rule, Bob will start making an effort to woo Bertha back (because she’s amazing and he’d be stupid not to), or he’ll become so uncomfortable that he’ll leave. Win/win for Bertha! And for Bob, too. Sex is good, remember?
2. Literally act like he’s not there. Hire male strippers and play a game of strip poker, just like in The Breakup. Only maybe not, because strippers are never a good idea. Unless they’re Channing Tatum.
3. Collect cats. So many cats that Bob gets fed up and leaves. I would leave after one cat, but I am a dog person.
4. Sign him up for dating websites and find him a sugar mama that will take him in.
5. Force him to confront his emotional issues and substance abuse issues, or show him the door.
6. If all else fails, bring home a new boyfriend and start coupling with him. They only have one bed, so maybe Bob will get the hint.
* Names are changed, obviously. Who knows a Bertha?