Be More Aware, Be More Engaging, Be More.

I am struggling with parenting these days. I’ll confess, between my bad pain days and depression, it’s been all I can do to get to bed time each and every day. I’ve been slacking, doing the bare minimum. As angry as I am at myself, it was necessary. I had to reprogram my mind, readjust my settings. Clear out some useless junk on the hard drive of my mind. I couldn’t connect well with anyone until I did just that, and I can admit…it took me a while to do.

I had a few solid weeks of that feeling of disconnect. That is around the time I finally “gave in” and approached my doctor about going back on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine. I started taking Zoloft and in the past few days, I’ve noticed a change in myself. It’s small, but it’s present. My head is much clearer now. I can see things a little clearer. I am not so locked in within my own head that I can’t relate to anyone. I can breathe better, speak better, and feel better.

Finally, I am enjoying doing the things that took so much from me. Playing, reading, teaching….all of those activities during my weeks of reboot were mentally exhausting and draining. I cut off sessions of all of the above so I could lay down and rest my tired soul.

But no more, I’m dragging myself out of this pit of despair. I’m making lists, forcing myself to stay with it and keep with it.

My to-do list is basically to create a schedule and routine that I stick to no matter what. First up: a chore chart for the boys. I am oh so tired of fighting with them to get them to help me. I’m going to make a chart and hope that helps us in that regard. Nolan quite enjoyed vacuuming last night, so there is hope.

Second, I need to print off a whole bunch of literacy, phonics and math worksheets for Nolan. His report card came back…and, well, he is struggling with the focusing, participation, and paying attention. We will now be implementing a slightly more strict evening homework schedule to improve those areas of trouble. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m hoping to learn along the way.

Third, I have made an appointment for Thursday about signing Nolan up for Martial Arts. I believe it’s something he would enjoy, and something that would help him grow as a person. Archer will be starting soccer in May (if we get on the list). I chose different activities for the boys because the boys are both different. Archer loves running around kicking balls and being a rough and tumbly boy (despite his MHE), so I chose soccer for him. Nolan needs the balance, discipline, focus and direction that Martial Arts will teach. Plus, I’m totally intrigued by that craft.

Fourth, I am going to start a strict “home schooling” program with Archer. Mainly because I am super bored during these frigid winter months stuck at home with a 2 year old, but also because Archer isn’t really talking yet and I feel like it’s somehow my fault. We need to focus more on that and less on horsy rides (as much as I love given them…sigh).

Fifth, I need to get back into writing. I have been slacking…I haven’t touched my works in progress in a good month. Again, when I fell into that dark pit of despair, I let everything slide.

Sixth, I need to focus on my marriage more. We need to ditch distractions and be with one another more often. We need to notice each other more and distractions less.

Seventh, I am going to shoot for the stars with my Scentsy business. I’m going to start a new training program to shoot me up to Director. My goal is to hit Director by July.

And finally, I am going to continue pouring my heart and soul into this blog. I honestly feel like my posts lately have been seriously therapeutic. I don’t think I could have pulled myself up and out of that pit of despair without the writing I’ve been doing lately.


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in anxiety, blogging, challenges, changes, chronic pain, depression, figuring it out, happenings, to-do lists, tough stuff, updates, verbal diarrhea, winter, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Be More Aware, Be More Engaging, Be More.

  1. I’m so proud of you. It’s brave to admit when you haven’t been feeling like “you.” I love the list of goals. You’ve inspired me to create one for myself too. It’s easy to be self-critical. But just know that you are a proactive mom and as my psychiatrist says “do that best you can in that moment..”

    • Jess says:

      I love that quote. I need it imprinted on my mind or something. I always feel guilty when I can’t do what I should easily do and I feel guilty that Nolan seems to be affected by it. 😦

  2. I’ve had plenty of struggles with depression myself, so I can totally relate to what you’re talking about here. Totally. In fact, I blogged about depression myself today.

    I’m glad that you’re doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. There’s often such a stigma attached to taking medication for depression, when there really shouldn’t be. We have no problem taking meds if we have a raging chest infection or other physical problems; why shouldn’t it be the same for mental and emotional problems as well?

    I agree that it’s good to have a plan of action for keeping yourself from sliding into a bad place. Just please be gentle with yourself if you’re not able to accomplish everything on your list. Some days will be better than others, as you know, but it’s important, most of all, to be gentle with yourself on the days (and weeks!) when getting out of bed is really the best thing you did that day. It’s not easy, trust me, I know.

    One day, one moment at a time, okay? It’s a battle that many of us are fighting right along with you. 🙂

    • Jess says:

      Thank you, and you’re right of course. I am the worst at being gentle with myself (something that I am actively trying to improve on). It does help knowing I’m not alone! Before I started openly talking about it,I felt completely alone.

      • That’s one of the big lies that Depression tells us — that we’re all alone in what we’re going through, when that’s absolutely not true. I’m glad that you’re able to talk about it, it absolutely does help.

  3. lostlilies12 says:

    Love your list more moms should have one like that. I know I should. Im sure the boys will love there activities. As for archer not talking. Its not your fault, look at tristan he didnt start talking till he was three and now hes just flooding in with new words. Take your time. 🙂

    • Jess says:

      Mom guilt is a ridiculously frustrating thing..its like you know you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but you still do and you still beat yourself up over it because we could work more on learning stuff….but learning how to teach someone that doesn’t really talk and has a short attention span is so hard haha. But thank you 🙂

  4. Good for you! Hey – if Archer ever wants a playdate with another 2yo who could use some time with kids her age, we’re game.

  5. Thank you for the reminder.

    I don’t have an excuse for not doing any of these. :S Definitely something to work on.

  6. Trauma Dad says:

    Congratulations on climbing out of the pit! That shit is NOT EASY. And I’m glad you know how amazing it is just to hold it together in those dark times. The goals all look doable, one thing at a time. I find this inspiring, and I hope I can do something like this in my own life. Hey this sounds strange, but it was totally sweet and necessary and helpful for my marriage for my wife and I to start scheduling alone time. I look forward to reading more from you. I like this blog.

    • Jess says:

      Aww thanks Byron! I like your blog too 🙂

      Alone time is definitely important in marriage. Finding small ways to be together, especially if you can’t afford a whole lot, is really necessary.

      Although I’m totally making Matt take me to a comedy night in April for our actual leave the house date haha!

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