I am struggling with parenting these days. I’ll confess, between my bad pain days and depression, it’s been all I can do to get to bed time each and every day. I’ve been slacking, doing the bare minimum. As angry as I am at myself, it was necessary. I had to reprogram my mind, readjust my settings. Clear out some useless junk on the hard drive of my mind. I couldn’t connect well with anyone until I did just that, and I can admit…it took me a while to do.
I had a few solid weeks of that feeling of disconnect. That is around the time I finally “gave in” and approached my doctor about going back on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine. I started taking Zoloft and in the past few days, I’ve noticed a change in myself. It’s small, but it’s present. My head is much clearer now. I can see things a little clearer. I am not so locked in within my own head that I can’t relate to anyone. I can breathe better, speak better, and feel better.
Finally, I am enjoying doing the things that took so much from me. Playing, reading, teaching….all of those activities during my weeks of reboot were mentally exhausting and draining. I cut off sessions of all of the above so I could lay down and rest my tired soul.
But no more, I’m dragging myself out of this pit of despair. I’m making lists, forcing myself to stay with it and keep with it.
My to-do list is basically to create a schedule and routine that I stick to no matter what. First up: a chore chart for the boys. I am oh so tired of fighting with them to get them to help me. I’m going to make a chart and hope that helps us in that regard. Nolan quite enjoyed vacuuming last night, so there is hope.
Second, I need to print off a whole bunch of literacy, phonics and math worksheets for Nolan. His report card came back…and, well, he is struggling with the focusing, participation, and paying attention. We will now be implementing a slightly more strict evening homework schedule to improve those areas of trouble. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m hoping to learn along the way.
Third, I have made an appointment for Thursday about signing Nolan up for Martial Arts. I believe it’s something he would enjoy, and something that would help him grow as a person. Archer will be starting soccer in May (if we get on the list). I chose different activities for the boys because the boys are both different. Archer loves running around kicking balls and being a rough and tumbly boy (despite his MHE), so I chose soccer for him. Nolan needs the balance, discipline, focus and direction that Martial Arts will teach. Plus, I’m totally intrigued by that craft.
Fourth, I am going to start a strict “home schooling” program with Archer. Mainly because I am super bored during these frigid winter months stuck at home with a 2 year old, but also because Archer isn’t really talking yet and I feel like it’s somehow my fault. We need to focus more on that and less on horsy rides (as much as I love given them…sigh).
Fifth, I need to get back into writing. I have been slacking…I haven’t touched my works in progress in a good month. Again, when I fell into that dark pit of despair, I let everything slide.
Sixth, I need to focus on my marriage more. We need to ditch distractions and be with one another more often. We need to notice each other more and distractions less.
Seventh, I am going to shoot for the stars with my Scentsy business. I’m going to start a new training program to shoot me up to Director. My goal is to hit Director by July.
And finally, I am going to continue pouring my heart and soul into this blog. I honestly feel like my posts lately have been seriously therapeutic. I don’t think I could have pulled myself up and out of that pit of despair without the writing I’ve been doing lately.