Toddler Terrorism

Toddler Terrorism is a real thing. It’s actually a sport amongst toddlers. If you don’t believe me, just watch a toddler for a few hours. They get into all kinds of messed up situations in the name of this sport.


This is some of the damage that was inflicted upon my living room by my toddler when I was chatting for less than 5 minutes with a customer who came to pick up her Scentsy order. That is permanent marker, all over my couch, wall, lamp, window sill, electrical outlet and end table. Most of those things weren’t pictured because I didn’t even notice them until the initial shock wore off.

But it gets better. This is said toddler after inflicting the same damage upon himself:


It’s no wonder my hair is turning grey…all of that took less than 5 minutes. Likely only two, because I did peer in at him almost halfway through to find him staring blankly at the tv with no permanent markers on hand.

So, Toddler Terrorism is real. Archer is a pro at this sport. Anything he can do to terrorize others, he does. This very morning he dropped several snotty used tissues in my freshly made coffee when I turned around to put Nolan’s snowboots on. He spends the day trying to scale my countertops and steal sharp knives. Probably to kill me. I used to laugh at Stewie Griffin in Family Guy…now it’s not so funny. Especially when I’m convinced Archer is plotting my untimely death.

He’s also way too smart. Like, so smart it’s actually unfair. I have no upperhand. He knows how to get into “child locks”. He knows how to open things that I don’t know how to open. He can figure things out in a ridiculously fast manner. He thrives on getting into trouble, prides himself on how quickly he can make mommy lose her shit. Pretty sure I caught him high fiving Nolan once about it.

When I first got our dog, Bane, everyone told me I was nuts because dogs are nothing but trouble, but Bane is less of a terrorist than Archer is…hands down. Bane listens to my commands. Sure, he gets into trouble (mainly eating things he shouldn’t), but he’s never gone at my living room with a permanent marker. If you ask me who causes the most trouble in the Fevered Household, the answer is without a doubt Archer. Followed by Nolan at a close second. He doesn’t draw on walls and furniture, but he fuels Archer’s terrorism and encourages it, high fives him for it when he thinks I’m not looking.

What is the worst thing your toddler has ever done in the name of Toddler Terrorism?


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
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9 Responses to Toddler Terrorism

  1. Paul Davis says:

    A dog named bane? I like it. The worst that’s happened, though he’s only two, was when my nephew was writing on the couch with crayon. When my brother got home, he looked at his son, and said, “Are you supposed to be doing that?” The child froze. “Do you need to go to bed?” The tone was tense. My nephew simply said “Yes,” and started crawling up the stairs. The fear of dad outweighed the desire to stay up, and that’s saying something. This kid never goes to bed.

  2. Byron Hamel says:

    I actually had a dream two nights ago that a vagabond was trashing my house and going through my wife’s purse. When I finally got him to leave, using physical force, he transformed into my two year old and started crying. Then I had to make this choice. Did I force her to keep walking, or go hug her and say sorry? I totally wanted to walk away. Then I woke up.

  3. My house has this beige tile in almost every room. When my son as about 3, he decided to color the tile and grout just outside he bedroom door, in blue crayon. It came off the tile, but I still have blue grout lines by his bedroom.

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