Not Very Good

I’m going to complain about some things in my head right now, because I feel like I need to get it out.

I haven’t been very good lately. I haven’t been feeling good, or “doing” good. I’ve sunk into a depression that I can’t seem to climb out of. It’s like I’m trapped in a tall glass, watching those around me and longing to join in on their happiness. But no matter how hard I try to climb out of it…I just keep sliding back down, my hands unable to grasp anything that could help me out of the glass.

That’s probably a little dramatic, I know. But I often feel dramatic. Like I’m battling two selves. One that is perfectly content in the glass, the other one that is definitely not content in the glass. Both selves struggle to do all the usual stuff I have to do, and both selves often come up short.

My patience is shot and I’ve been sleeping like crap lately. Sometimes, it’s kid related. Often it’s me unable to fall asleep. I lay there in bed and think about all the ways I feel that I failed during the day, and try to think of ways I could improve the next day. If I just change my mindset, I’ll think…only that’s not easy.

I’m trying to rise above it, but it’s really difficult. I recently started taking a new medication but it’s too early to see if it’s been helping. Last night, each time I nearly drifted off to sleep, I awoke to my heart pounding in my chest. Panic attacks while sleeping? That’d be a first for me. Maybe it’s the new mediciation…maybe it’ll take getting used to.

I get really bad during the winter months. I don’t want to do anything. My depression,  anxiety, and chronic pain are all extremely high and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it go away. And I want to make it go away.

It’s not all doom and gloom, I assure you. Sometimes I’m able to surprise myself with bursts of energy, motivation and drive. Those are nice days, wonderful days.

Truth is, I’ve been in denial about my…issues…for so long now, that I have a hard time putting a name and face to them. I’m trying to get over that now, trying to accept it and learn how to deal with it…I’m trying to learn that it doesn’t make me weak.

When I started writing this blog post, I didn’t even realize it was Let’s Talk day, the day Bell puts on so we can all talk about mental illness and remove the stigma.

So, let’s talk.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in anxiety, bits and pieces, blogging, challenges, chronic pain, depression, uncensored, updates, verbal diarrhea, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Not Very Good

  1. I totally understand the gloomy feeling. I am here for you girl! I didn’t realize it was let’s talk day! Wow! I’m glad I wrote about mental illness!

  2. Paul Davis says:

    Meditation? I’ve had two friends try it and they realized all those issues they’d been avoiding. For one of them, I very much so knew what her issues were, but she didn’t want to believe it until she removed the din of day to day life.

    As for failing, you’re married, raising children in a good and wholesome way, and you haven’t entirely lost your mind. You’re succeeding 🙂 God bless and keep up the good work.

    • Jess says:

      I keep meaning to try meditation, the hard part is getting in the mindset to try it haha. My tattoo artist offers a class but the whole “social anxiety” thing comes into play…Plus nighttime/winter driving.

      • Paul Davis says:

        Doesn’t require a class. Just ease your breathing, close your eyes, and imagine your issues, and one by one imagine water crashing up against them as you take breaths in, and taking them out to sea when you breath out, exhaling the stress of the day. When you feel calm, you stop. Try it out 🙂

  3. Oh man. Why are we always on the same wavelength, yet live so far apart? I’m struggling, too. I was already having a hard time with anxiety, then I lost Sean and everything is slamming into me. I’m a basket case. I’m looking for a therapist because I don’t want it to get any worse.

    I’m here for you, Jess. I love you lots!

    • Jess says:

      Love you lots too Liz! Good luck in your hunt for a therapist. It’s hard here…I’ve been on a waitlist to see one for over a year now 😦 unless I’m comitted, I’m not prioritized. I talked to my doctor about it..she says in Ontario, doctors don’t wanna help patients with mental illness because they can only take so many a day and only make so much since it’s paid for by OHIP (unless you seek private, which I definitely can’t afford). I’m going to write more in depth about that aspect when my head clears a bit.

  4. I have a family member who is dealing with the trio of depression, anxiety and chronic pain, and I am oh so acquainted with the lack of access to sustainable therapy. Parenting little kids is exhausting if you’re healthy. I think you are a very strong person to juggle all that you do. Keep pushing for the help you need, and never hesitate to speak up and say that you need it!

  5. Ohhh I wish I had the words to make it all feel ok. You’re not alone. You can only do so much. Be kind to yourself and hold in your heart how much you are loved. (((HUGS)))

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