I’m going to complain about some things in my head right now, because I feel like I need to get it out.
I haven’t been very good lately. I haven’t been feeling good, or “doing” good. I’ve sunk into a depression that I can’t seem to climb out of. It’s like I’m trapped in a tall glass, watching those around me and longing to join in on their happiness. But no matter how hard I try to climb out of it…I just keep sliding back down, my hands unable to grasp anything that could help me out of the glass.
That’s probably a little dramatic, I know. But I often feel dramatic. Like I’m battling two selves. One that is perfectly content in the glass, the other one that is definitely not content in the glass. Both selves struggle to do all the usual stuff I have to do, and both selves often come up short.
My patience is shot and I’ve been sleeping like crap lately. Sometimes, it’s kid related. Often it’s me unable to fall asleep. I lay there in bed and think about all the ways I feel that I failed during the day, and try to think of ways I could improve the next day. If I just change my mindset, I’ll think…only that’s not easy.
I’m trying to rise above it, but it’s really difficult. I recently started taking a new medication but it’s too early to see if it’s been helping. Last night, each time I nearly drifted off to sleep, I awoke to my heart pounding in my chest. Panic attacks while sleeping? That’d be a first for me. Maybe it’s the new mediciation…maybe it’ll take getting used to.
I get really bad during the winter months. I don’t want to do anything. My depression, anxiety, and chronic pain are all extremely high and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it go away. And I want to make it go away.
It’s not all doom and gloom, I assure you. Sometimes I’m able to surprise myself with bursts of energy, motivation and drive. Those are nice days, wonderful days.
Truth is, I’ve been in denial about my…issues…for so long now, that I have a hard time putting a name and face to them. I’m trying to get over that now, trying to accept it and learn how to deal with it…I’m trying to learn that it doesn’t make me weak.
When I started writing this blog post, I didn’t even realize it was Let’s Talk day, the day Bell puts on so we can all talk about mental illness and remove the stigma.
So, let’s talk.