Christmas Eve, 2013.
I’m feeling so weird right now…like I’m broken. It seems like everyone around me is spewing Christmas spirit and I’m sitting over here feeling all these complicated, icky emotions that I don’t want to feel. I should be excited. I should be baking Christmas cookies and getting the boys all excited for tonight but…I’m not.
I’m not feeling very festive right now. Not even a little bit. I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious and sad. I know I shouldn’t feel these things. I know we are blessed. We have power and we’ll be having Christmas dinner and our kids have stuff to open tomorrow. We’re safe and healthy. Yet here I sit…feeling all those stupid icky feelings.
I have fleeting moments of Christmas spirit, but they’re so fleeting…one moment, it’s there and the next, gone, crushed with the weight of the icky feelings.
I can’t seem to rise above it. At least not for very long.
I feel so guilty, seeing how excited and happy everyone else is, and knowing that I’m not. All I can hope is that I’m at least doing a good job hiding it from the boys but unfortunately I don’t think I am.
Which is exactly why I’m writing this post. To hopefully get it off my chest and mind so I can get into the Christmas spirit…or at least fake it a little better.
Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll perk up soon. And if I don’t…wine.