The Ugly

Christmas Eve, 2013.
3:11pm

I’m feeling so weird right now…like I’m broken. It seems like everyone around me is spewing Christmas spirit and I’m sitting over here feeling all these complicated, icky emotions that I don’t want to feel. I should be excited. I should be baking Christmas cookies and getting the boys all excited for tonight but…I’m not.

I’m not feeling very festive right now. Not even a little bit. I’m feeling overwhelmed, anxious and sad. I know I shouldn’t feel these things. I know we are blessed. We have power and we’ll be having Christmas dinner and our kids have stuff to open tomorrow. We’re safe and healthy. Yet here I sit…feeling all those stupid icky feelings.

I have fleeting moments of Christmas spirit, but they’re so fleeting…one moment, it’s there and the next, gone, crushed with the weight of the icky feelings.

I can’t seem to rise above it. At least not for very long.

I feel so guilty, seeing how excited and happy everyone else is, and knowing that I’m not. All I can hope is that I’m at least doing a good job hiding it from the boys but unfortunately I don’t think I am.

Which is exactly why I’m writing this post.  To hopefully get it off my chest and mind so I can get into the Christmas spirit…or at least fake it a little better.

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Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll perk up soon. And if I don’t…wine.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in anxiety, blogging, bullshit, challenges, Christmas, conflicted, confusion, depression, emotional, happenings, honesty, insecurities, me, mom guilt, musings, on struggles, personal, the blah blah blah, the ugly, tough stuff, ugly cry, um what?, updates, words and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Ugly

  1. Don’t make yourself feel worse by adding guilt to how you are already feeling. We place so many unrealistic expectations on ourselves at Christmas, instead of letting ourselves just be. Hugs. I like to wish peace and love at Christmas, because sometimes “merry” just adds pressure to feel something we don’t. So– peace and love to you and yours.

    • Jess says:

      Thank you! You are absolutely right. My expectations are ridiculous. That’s actually a great idea…I never clued in how weighted “merry” really is. Peace and love to you too this Christmas and always!

  2. Paul Davis says:

    Yeah to faking it. I had that issue this morning. Go overboard and see what happens.

    Dive into the Bible? Look up some quotes on joy and encouragement. Praying it gets better!

  3. Pingback: So This Is Christmas – The Fevered Pen

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