Christmas Newsletter

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Remember those family newsletters that certain people would send out each Christmas, giving a detailed breakdown of their wonderful achievements and all the wonderful things their wonderful children did? Truth be told, I always used to scoff at those. Especially when they were sent from people we rarely spoke to. Little Johnny starred in the school production of Hamlet! Michael is valedictorian and accepted into 5 colleges although he’s still got 4 more years of high school left! Karl got a promotion at work and now makes 200k per year! I baked 10,000 cupcakes for the school fundraiser!

I used to beg my mother, please let me write one! I had every intention of writing something along the lines of this:

Seasons Greetings Family, Friends and Acquaintances!

Another year has passed, and the Hammergin* Girls have had a wonderful year! Nobody made the honors role at school, S is still in college finishing her 2 year program (it’s been five years but who’s counting)? And best of all…nobody got knocked up!

Here’s to a good year and hoping next year will be marginally better.

Sincerely,
The Hammergin’s.

Only my mother thought that’d be incredibly rude. She probably didn’t send out yearly newsletters because we didn’t really do anything noteworthy. Actually, that’s a lie – my sisters achieved numerous awards for all the volleyball and baseball tournaments. One time, I got a participation ribbon for standing around watching everyone else do field day.

Anyways, she never sent family newsletters. I’m not sure if she sent Christmas cards. She probably did to just my granny and anyone who would tell granny they didn’t get one. That’s what I used to do too, but not this year. This year I didn’t send out any because I’m lazy and couldn’t be bothered too.

Christmas cards, that kind of thing, isn’t really my thing. I tried to make it my thing in years prior, but waiting in line to mail them, the ever raising price of stamps, and so on and so forth was just too much of a headache for me. I’ve made a goal for next year though: I’m going to buy Christmas cards after Christmas (when they go on sale), and fill them all out post-dated for next Christmas, bundle them up and put them in my Christmas box so when we set up the tree, I’ll see them and mail them. Problem solved!

But this year, it’s kind of too late for Christmas Cards. That being said, Aussa Lorens has inspired me to write a newsletter of what I’ve been up to. And, I guess, my family too. Although they haven’t really been up to anything, the freeloaders. (Well, Matt’s the breadwinner so I guess I’m the freeloader. Details.)

So, here it goes!

****

Seasons Greetings!

2013 was a challenging, grueling year for the Fevered Family. Matt was unemployed for the first 8 or so months, and we struggled to make ends meet for that long. Things were pretty mediocre and boring, in fact I don’t really remember what we did those first few months. Then Matt got a full-time job and we decided to move to a more affordable location, but just before moving day, Matt nearly died at his new job. That’s when things really got interesting. Honestly, nothing spices up your home life like a near death experience! Thankfully, he was ok, but needed a solid month of recovery. This fell right when we were moving, so I had to paint and pack and we relied heavily on family to get us moved.

Somehow, we got through all that. Matt recovered and all was well.

Nolan started school, and still hasn’t stopped crapping his pants but it’s okay because all the girls in his class don’t even care. They’re still all over him like literal flies on shit. He’s so cute that they don’t even mind the smell.

Archer finally started sleeping through the night, which was awesome because I actually developed a twitch. He also started talking a bit more, instead of just communicating by hitting his head off the floor.

I only got black-out drunk once. Okay, maybe twice. Umm…okay four times, but I can count that on one hand so let’s chalk that up for a win, shall we? I also started taking myself seriously and am now a self-proclaimed writer. I’m working on two novels right now, and I have the writers block to prove it. And the wine, lots of wine.

Oh, and I started my own home business, which is going really good. I sell Scentsy, and I’m surprisingly pretty good at it. So, if you need smelly stuff, hit me up!

So, yeah. That’s pretty much all the Fevered family did this year.

Sincerely,
The Fevered Family
(penned by Jess)

****

I hope you enjoyed our letter! Merry Christmas everybody. Hope we all make it through this week and come out sane on the other side.

*Our last name altered to avoid stalkers.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in blogging, Christmas, embarrassing myself, funny shit, housewifey stuff, personal, random, the awesome, um what?, updates, us, words, writing, wtf, yay me and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Christmas Newsletter

  1. Ohmygod, this was so freakin’ funny! I love, love, love this. Christmas newsletters, for those of us who are just mediocre (although this year was actually huge for you guys, so way to go).

    I sent out a newsletter this year—which you’ll get if I ever make it to the post office (insert grumbling about US stamps not working for letters to Canada here)—which I tried to keep short and interesting without being drippy, while also reminding certain family members who keep asking when I’m going back to school that I’m in this “writing thing” for the long haul.

    I digress.

    Merry Christmas, Jess. ❤ May 2014 bring you more sleep and less pants-crapping.

    • Jess says:

      I would love your Christmas newsletter, because it wouldn’t make me want to bang my head off a wall 😉 can’t wait to get it! Also, I can’t wait to send a serious one myself when I actually get something “newsletter worthy”, like a published book. That’s MAJOR, and kudos to you! Totally brag away about that. I’m still bragging about my participation ribbon 16 years later.

      • I still feel guilty even mentioning it, believe it or not. I really had to talk myself into putting it into the newsletter. I’m so, so bad at self-promotion.

        I’d enjoy your newsletter. All you have to do is throw in cute pictures of the kids—instant win! You’ll be publishing before you know it. 😀 At least, I hope so!

      • Jess says:

        I hope so too! And maybe I will do newsletters next year, but I think I’d totally embarrass my family with our mediocre achievements…

        On second thought, consider it done. Next year I will send out a super sarcastic newsletter that will shame my house. I can’t wait for my kids to be old enough to be embarrassed by it.

        And I hope you’re right! Also, don’t feel bad about self promotion – you deserve it!

  2. Aussa Lorens says:

    Hahahaha okay, my two most favorite things are those that I relate to the most:
    1. The participation ribbon for standing around and watching everyone else during Field Day
    and
    2. The black out drunk references and denial….I mean, maybe I can say it was only four times…. I’d just need a detailed definition of “black out drunk.” Preferably one that came with diagrams.
    HA! Love it all, love it all. Ready for this next year to get here!

  3. Jess says:

    That’s hilarious! Skype date THIS WEEK or else, k???

  4. Pingback: The Obligatory New Year Resolution Type Post – The Fevered Pen

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