In Waves

I feel so…blah, right now. I’m slow. I’m sloth like. I just don’t want to do anything at all. My patience is shot, I’m just…tired.

Having two extremely busy boys means that I can’t exactly sit down and let myself feel slow and sloth like. Any time I dare to try, I’m on my feet seconds later breaking up a fight or trying to get something off Archer that he shouldn’t have in the first place. He keeps getting into the junk drawer, despite multiple time outs and me telling him no so many times that I myself am beginning to hate the word. But it’s not like it has any affect on this kid anyway…he doesn’t listen.

That’s Archer, in a nut shell. He doesn’t listen to anything. If he wants something, he goes ahead and gets it – even though he knows he shouldn’t have it. If he wants to do something, it’s the same story. He’ll just do it. He knows he gets in trouble for spitting his sippy cup of juice into buckets and mega blocks, but he keeps doing it. I’ve actually refused to give him any juice at all lately – just water, because I’ve actually had enough of the sticky mess. Besides, water is better for them.

I don’t remember this with Nolan. Probably because I mentally blocked it to save my sanity or something, but holy hell it’s infuriating. There are six crayon drawings on different walls thanks to Archer, who went on a rampage when I was out at my home party on Sunday. Why did I spend so much time and money painting again?

I hate when I get in these moods. It’s November 26th and I feel no inkling of Christmas spirit yet. I mean, I’m excited about certain things of Christmas but I don’t feel that glittery glow that Christmas is supposed to bring. The magic hasn’t set in. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to Christmas shop yet. All our funds have had to go to the purchase of a newer, working vehicle. Matt can’t get to work otherwise. I know we’ll be okay, and that we’ll get our Christmas shopping done in December, but it sucks going out and seeing all these things I want to get for my kids and my loved ones and not being able to get them.

We aren’t struggling to put food on the table or pay our bills, so for that I’m thankful and I feel ridiculously guilty to mope about not being able to Christmas shop when we have so much more than most people. But I still can’t seem to help but feel sad and mope about over it. I know, pathetic.

Maybe some Christmas spirit will hit me whenever we finally put up our tree. We always hold off until December 1st, and truth be told I’m not looking forward to having Archer getting into that nonstop too, but I know it’ll look nice. It’ll look like Christmas spirit.

I just can’t figure out why I get this way, every single damn year. You’d think I’d learn to do my shopping early, so that it didn’t feel like such a hit on our strapped budget during the actually holiday season. You’d think, but of course stuff pops up all the time and I apparently suck at being a responsible adult and sticking to a budget so yay me.

I know I’ve mentioned my seasonal blues before…there are days when I feel totally happy and other days when I’m just…blah. Like, I’m happy about certain things (all the successes in my Scentsy business this month, the kids health, spending time with Matt…those kinds of things) but the blues keep creeping in, like waves. Happy, sad, happy, sad, blah, sad…a torrent of emotion that makes my head whirl.

The perfect cure for them would be some couch cuddles and quiet with my littlest bug today, but alas…he’s completely uninterested in couch cuddles and quiet. He wants to cause mayhem and chaos, and ensure that I don’t get to have my blah lazy do-nothing day. Usually, get up and go is good for the soul…but I’m longing for some quiet and stillness. Is that so wrong?

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in bitchin' and moanin', bits and pieces, blogging, challenges, depression, hard stuff, heaviness, honesty, I don't really know, iPhone posting, just thoughts, moody, musings, not so perfect, on struggles, personal, stuff I'm saying, the blah blah blah, updates, words, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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