To Suffer In Silence…

I am conflicted about how I handle my pain from day to day. I pat myself on the back on the days I don’t utter a complaint (out loud), but I also inwardly cringe. Am I setting a bad example by not being “open” about my pain?

On the days where I literally cannot hold it in, when the tears flow over every little thing, when my temper grows short as the pain eats away at it, when I feel as if I wear my pain like a neon sign for all to see, I question myself then too. Am I now being too open about my struggles? Do people think of me as weak and incapable? Am I weak and incapable?

There are some days when I wake up and wonder how on earth I’m going to get through it. When I do, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, I am almost stunned.

It feels as though there is a large marble is fused to my heel, and no matter how I try to disperse my weight – walking is painful and hard.

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It’s incredibly uncomfortable, and a lot of the time, it’s damn near unbearable. The only reason I’ve been able to do the simple yet tedious and painful tasks I do each day is because of the boys. If I don’t do them, who will? Matt’s busy working, providing food and a roof over our heads. He certainly cannot afford to take time off – especially when it’s not for a surgery. He helps me an unmeasurable amount when he is home, but those hours that he isn’t drag on and on.

I’m enjoying my time with my boys, don’t get me wrong – I really am. I just wish I could enjoy it more, play more…you know?

Tomorrow, I’m mailing that MRI CD to my specialist in TO and I hope that they are able to give me some clue as to what the plan is by sometime next week.

In the mean time, I’m going to try not to beat myself up too much over what I’m not doing, or what I am doing or how I’m reacting to this. I’m only human. I don’t think there is a right way to “handle” this kind of thing. Or if there is, I’m certainly unaware of it.

And to cap off this post, here’s another gorgeous photo of Archer napping — because this post needs a little more peace & beauty…

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in blogging, chronic pain, depression, exhaustion, happenings, hard stuff, health/medical, heaviness, honesty, I don't know, imperfections, insecurities, iPhone posting, just thoughts, me, MHE, musings, pain, personal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to To Suffer In Silence…

  1. tierney says:

    It’s tough and I’m sorry. I have no great words of wisdom other than you’re fighting a tough battle and coming out on top- you’re still here raising two boys who love you, that’s winning.

    I too battle with the “am I complaining too much, does everyone discount this because they hear it all the time?” And “I’m literally going to burst because I’ve held this in for too long- not to mention, everyone thinks I’m ‘better’ because they haven’t heard me complain in a while”. Neither side is right but I can’t seem to find a balance either.

    Because I’m not a doctor all I can do is offer suggestions for things that I do to help with my pain in hopes that they may help for you. My #1 go to (as you know) is a heat pad. Can’t beat it for $20 at Walmart. Maybe ask Santa for a heated blanket…I bet that would do wonders to help the body relax. Warm showers make me calm down when I’m overwhelmed and when I need help relaxing in the evening I take Advil pm- helps me get comfortable and get some sleep because we all know no sleep + chronic pain makes for a miserable day. Have you ever looked in to see if your benefits cover any massage, acupuncture or chiropractic therapies? I know you don’t want to be on drugs and neither do I but I do have a prescription for percocets for the days that are absolutely unbearable- they make me a bit foggy but sometimes when you have to choose through getting through the day or being a bit foggy, foggy doesn’t seem so bad.

    Sorry for the novel, just trying to help. From one pain sufferer to another, maybe I should just start writing on my own blog instead of mucking up yours!

    • Jess says:

      I have one of those seat heat pads. I really need to break it out more often…and I take T3s on bad pain days but it does very little for the pain…it just makes me drowsy. I’ve been told I could take percocets but to be honest I’m very hesitant of that. How do you find them?

      I’m not covered for anything aside from certain types of prescriptions, so no chiropractic, massage or acupuncture. 😦

      I usually take a hot shower too…if I can bare it haha. The whole standing thing. Wish our tub was bigger for baths!

    • Jess says:

      (Also you should know that I’m team you-make-a-blog so…get on that 😉 lol)

  2. tierney says:

    I actually set everything up to start a blog….I just haven’t done much with it. I won’t have any readers so it seems kinda pointless. I promise I’ll try harder. Check out takealifetime.blogspot.com, you’ll see what I mean.

    As for percs, they’re different for everyone. They don’t make me drowsy but make me chatty. I’m still in pain but it lessons the severity of it to allow me to get through the day. I don’t take them often at all but it calms me to know I have a back up if needed!

    • Jess says:

      Hmm. Maybe I’ll try them…I’m just scared lol. Aren’t they highly addictive?

      • tierney says:

        Thy are addictive but so are a lot of pain medications (I’ve been on morphine, dilaudid, etc). As long as your family knows you’re taking them, maybe try it for a week and see how many you took and try to monitor it. You don’t like the idea of pills anyway so I could see you taking them a few times a week when absolutely necessarily rather than daily. I know when I’m at my breaking point and that’s the only time I allow myself to take one. Good luck, you’ll figure this out!

  3. Karen says:

    I didn’t know it was that bad Jess…I’m sorry. If you need surgery, give me lots of lead time and I’ll take time off work, okay?

    • Jess says:

      Thanks Karen – I’ll try, kinda up in the air right now. They may not even be able to operate (if the growth has blood vessels etc in the way), or it might be super fast booking :/ I’ll find out on Monday. They’ll get my MRI tonight.

  4. Karen says:

    And yes I’m apparently catching up on your blog right now – it’s more fun than laundry! I miss you guys a lot!

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