Of Challenges

This past week has been a challenging one for me. Matt is still healing, he is still experiencing lots of pain and still unable to do the things I previously took advantage of. Trust me when I say, I will never complain that he doesn’t “do” enough again. Prior to the accident, I didn’t realize just how much he did!

Even now, I will catch him attempting to help out because he knows how much pain I am also in. Not “crushed by a dump truck axel” pain, but the chronic pain that worsens when you are doing too much and unable to rest kind of pain. The naggingly present kind of pain that makes walking and standing difficult, and 3am meltdowns an embarrassingly real thing.

I fretted and worried early the other morning about the garbage. How would I get it out? On a good day, I can scarcely carry one bag of garbage out. Let alone a full pail and several bags. I asked for help, but considering my previous asks have been all but ignored, I wasn’t optimistic. I fretted to Matt about this, and he said “look outside”. I did, and the garbage was already out. He’d foolishly gotten it to the curb last night when I was sleeping because he knew the likelihood of help happening was slim, and he didn’t want me to worry about it. I scolded him, but it was too late – he’d done it. Now, he’s paying for it. And he’s out of pain killers. He has an appointment to get more, but he’s been 24 hours without them.

I’m also going to need something to help me get through the days. Tylenol doesn’t work for me, and laying as still as possible hasn’t been helpful. Partly because, well, I can’t lie still as possible with two little ones to take care of. Laying still doesn’t really get rid of the pain either.

*

A few days ago, I had someone rather harshly call me out on my “negativity”. I had posted a Facebook rant about how difficult parenting is, because it is, and about how I wanted to punch the “douches that tell me being a stay-at-home-mom is easy”. I was stressed out, in a lot of pain, and crappy situation after crappy situation kept popping up for me to deal with, and I was tired. I am tired. Apparently, as a childless “doucebag”, she took that offensively. She responded with something along the lines of “this was the life I chose and to deal with it”.

I promptly told her that I had every right to occasionally feel bad about circumstances and post a ranty Facebook post, regardless of whether or not I “chose this lifestyle”, just as every mother has that right. After all, I see many of my friends and peers complaining about their jobs or lives, and I don’t say “ah well, you chose that lifestyle. So. Deal”.

Then I thought, you know what? No. You don’t talk to me for 5+ years, and when you do you belittle me and make me feel even worse than I already do, then you can step off my Facebook. I deleted her. I don’t need people who will quickly try and kick me when I’m down with their superiority. I don’t need someone who claims to try and change my perspective, whilst failing at articulating this in a polite, constructive and encouraging manner. Not to mention, my perspective is pretty good, generally speaking. Yes, I’ve been a bit negative lately. My plate has been overflowing with not so awesome circumstances and I will admit, I’m having a hard time dealing with them all while also suffering from chronic pain that’s even worse than usual. Something that most people cannot understand or fathom. I’ve been told I’m lazy when I’ve asked for help. If there’s one thing that stings a sufferer of chronic pain, it’s being called lazy when you finally break down and ask for help. Walk your own dog, you lazy ass! I know the person who said that didn’t mean it, nor do they truly understand the pain I’m in on a day to day basis and why just walking my dog myself can’t happen right now.

Plus…what is with the generalized assumption that mothers should not ever shake their fists at the sky and complain about their “jobs”? Why can’t mothers complain about late nights and teething babies, spilled milk and potty training regression, the same way accountants complain about tax season and late filing? My “job” is extremely demanding. I’m not bitching that I hate my coworkers and bosses (on the contrary! I love them), but sure I’ll bitch about the shitty things that go wrong, like sleeves of milk being dumped all over my couches. I’ll bitch about the absurdity of being told I have it “easy” by people who really have no clue. Those people are douchebags, and quite often, they are childless. Sometimes, they’re just straight up douchebags though.

Mothers get it. Fathers get it. Anyone raising a kid gets it, and my friends who are close to me but don’t have their own kids get it. Basically, everyone without their head up their asses gets it.

There is one thing that I never do, and that’s kick someone when they are down. When someone posts something ranty and negative on Facebook about their lives, I don’t comment with “well it could be worse!” or “suck it up!” Their Facebook and twitter accounts are theirs to use at their will. If they want to complain and moan about how it sucks, okay. Cool. Plus, who knows how many shitty things occurred in this persons life before “the straw that broke the camels back”?

I vote for being encouraging and understanding in my replies. The simple “I know how this feels, it sucks. You are allowed to feel crappy about it. Hugs,” goes a very long way.

And I’m slowly taking off all those who add on to the negativity, those who like to make snide comments in the light of another persons suffering. I feel much better for doing it. I know the places where I vent are now filled with supporters, uplifting people who are understanding and compassionate.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in bits and pieces, blogging, chronic pain, frustrations, growing, honesty, life as I know it, living with chronic pain, Matt, MHE, musings, pain, parenting, ranting, real talk, stuff I'm saying, the difficult, um what?, updates, what I'm feeling, words, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Of Challenges

  1. People totally are douchebags sometimes and you shouldn’t have to put up with that! I mean, it’s one of those things that’s all very well and good to say but harder to follow through with – so congratulations to you for actually trying to surround yourself with good people. And I do hope your pain abates for a little while, at least.

  2. lukasmummy says:

    ((hugs)) it’s hard for people without kids to grasp how tiring it is to be with kids especially small ones day in and day out, when you throw in pain and tiredness it often feels like carrying around a weight that is literally crushing you. To be honest parenting is a very large set of unbalanced scales, every hug, kiss, sweet word and cute thing they do is on one side and every “bad” thing is on the other side. People forget how much chronic pain, depression and just feeling worn out stack the deck on the “bad” side. My husband knows how bad the pain is and there are still times when even he doesn’t get it. I know there are days when I can cope with it and even see the funny side to the 2 year old who likes nothing more than being naked and climbing the furniture. Those are the days when I just call her cheeky and lift her down for the 100th time and redress her. Then there are other days where I totally understand why some animals eat their young and I feel like if I have to clean poop off the carpet, pee off the bathroom floor or wipe one more snotty nose I will seriously lose my mind. The thing that always gets me when people complain about their jobs is usually they knew what they were getting into when they chose that profession, accountants know there will be tax season, teachers know there will be tests and reports, but parents have no advance warning of the kinds of mischief babies/toddlers/children can get themselves in to. Nobody warns you that sometimes the fact that they are adorable and you love them with every part of your heart and soul just isn’t enough to balance out the frustration and exhaustion, just the same as nobody lets you in on just how amazing being a parent can be on the good days. Screw people that judge no-one has the right to make you feel like it’s not ok to have a bad day or just be overwhelmed every so often, Hugs Crystal xx

    • Jess says:

      Thank you Crystal! You are so right, of course. Yes, I expected it wasn’t easy – but I didn’t realize all the minuscule frustrations would add up, and how exhausting being exhausted would feel or how long it would last. Xx

  3. lisalday111711 says:

    Oh Honey I can so relate. My daughter is 27 now and she still has me shaking my fists at the sky. She is a redheaded Scorpio who came into this world pissed off because I apparently “kicked her out of the womb”. She told me the other day she would still be there if she had her way. Now she is pregnant with my grandson. She is worried about The Mothers Curse. And as far as the pain I cannot get any compassion. I am just a person looking for drugs is how I am treated. I am expected to do what everyone else does with a smile and no one wants to hear how bad I hurt. I have stopped looking for compassion and have just inside to try to find some kind of inner strength to get me through. But those midnight melt down sobbing parties are a two to three a week occurrence. In fact that is a great blog post idea. I have found a great article on pain that was pretty interesting….not for MHE maybe…I cannot imagine what you much go through and how much you hurt. http://www.chatelaine.com/health/wellness/the-scary-truth-about-our-pain-problem/

    And here is my lovely baby that gave me more joy and pain than anyone I know

    It is her and I that is my profile picture

    • Jess says:

      Thank you, and that’s a great article Lisa! Thank you for sharing. Jessie is gorgeous! Can’t wait to see pics of your new grand baby 🙂

  4. tierney says:

    You know I’m right with you on the chronic pain front. In fact, my pains been relatively manageable as of late, that is.. until yesterday. I realize now that your body (pain sufferer or not) gets used to its routine. So much so that yesterday when I started working with a new family, I was literally thrown on my butt with the increase in pain. I can only imagine it’s similar for you with Matt’s unexpected injury. By no means am I pro meds, in fact, I’m pro massage, chiro, acupuncture, physio but I also understand you need to have a fairly extensive insurance package to cover all of that. You know how I feel about heat pads (aching muscles love them!) but have you considered going on non-narcotic meds? I’ve been on so many from lyrica to elavil to celebrex and you may find something similar that works for you. Living in pain is no fun, I’d suggest looking into medicinal options available to you. Also, if you have health insurance look into how much massage and acupuncture it would cover- that could work wonders! Question: is your pain a common side effect with MHE or is this something you just happened to get the short stick with? Feel better!!

    • Jess says:

      I’ve actually getting a referral to Mount Sinai’s pain clinic because I do not want to go on narcotics. I want to find something to manage my pain isn’t addictive and doesn’t give me side effects like, oh, addiction!

      I do want to try other means, for sure. I’m going to see what benefits Matt had with work though.

      It has always been a part of my life, pain. Tumours pressing against joints, muscles, tendons and nerves. Tumours on the heel of my foot so that I stand on it whenever I stand, etc etc

      • tierney says:

        Yay for the pain clinic! I go to one here in Hamilton. Lots of options and I’ve actually never been offered narcotics there!!

      • Jess says:

        That’s what I’m hoping for! I never thought about it until I read an article that mentioned Mount Sinai’s pain clinic. I’m kind of exasperated that my family doctor NEVER suggested it after ALL the times I went in for pain, trying to find a non narcotic solution.

  5. You hit the nail on the head. If anyone complains about their boss, a new work deadline, staying late at the office or anything of that nature people are okay with that and can understand. Rarely do people jump on them and say ‘Well, that’s the career you picked’ but the moment you say anything about how hard it is to be a mom, you are told to buck up because you decided to have children.

    You are allowed to have bad days at a SAHM.

    • Jess says:

      Thanks! I find that happens to me all the time. Motherhood isn’t just being a mom, it’s being a chef and caregiver, a taxi, a mediator, a judge (more or less — time out giver, discipline deciding), a maid, a coach, a cheerleader, a teacher, and a million other things in one.

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