I’ve always been an incredibly emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel ALL the feels. Constantly.
The last few days, I have been even more prone to tears, especially around my husband. I’m 99% sure it has everything to do with his near death experience.
Each night, after the kiddos are asleep, I crawl into our bed and curl up beside him, my hand across his chest and resting on his shoulder. My cheek against his collar bone, purposely keeping my weight off the lower part of his sore body. I’ve listened to him breathe, laughed with him, and just been entirely with him in those moments, thankful for those moments, aware that they were almost lost to me forever.
We used to do that all the time. We used to disappear in each others worlds, so completely, and not resurface for hours. Sometimes, we’d spend all day like that. I didn’t feel the need to check a billion social media sites. I didn’t feel the need to accomplish all my chores, then and there. The only need I felt was to be with him, completely. To spend hours talking about anything and everything.
I still want to do that, every single day prior to this accident I’ve longed to carve out a chunk of time to just be totally enthralled in each other. Not just for sexual purposes, either (although those are always great times). Just to be…be.
But life gets in the way. Between meeting the needs of the children, trying to stay on top of housework and trying to accomplish something with this blog and my writing, I’m ashamed to admit that I haven’t really done that in a while with him. Been totally present with him. Been totally in our own private world. I suppose I thought; well, I have him. I have all the time in the world. While I may have him, I don’t have all the time in the world with him, as this near death experience reminded me. It could be over in an instant, for reasons beyond our control.
My mind has always gone in a thousand different directions at the same time, a writers mind…they say. This accident shook me to the core, and while I am forever grateful he is okay and didn’t suffer worse injuries, I can’t deny that since that phone call I have been left wondering, What if he had been taken from me? Did I even say goodbye that morning? Was I snippy and short with him, as I often am in the morning?
The thoughts make me feel sick, and make me burst out into tears. Matt is constantly repeating “I’m alright, Jess…I’m alright,” and I know that. It isn’t the only reason behind my tears, the almost loss, it’s the fact that I had pushed us to the back burner. He understands, of course…we are both guilty of that same thing. But from now on, I’d rather have a pile of dirty dishes in the sink than miss out on allowing myself to fall into that world that is just us. I’d rather completely disconnect for a couple hours than miss out on submitting to that place that is ours again.
I guess the most important lesson that I have learned throughout this incident is not to take things for granted, to be present in the moment. After all, you never know when you won’t get the chance to do that again.