I’m not sure if it’s been obvious or not, but lately…I’ve been in a dark place. I don’t want to be in a dark place, I’m not trying to search out the negativity or anything, but the fact of the matter is that I have been in a dark place. And I really, truly hate that I’m admitting this.

I should be over the moon happy about everything in my life right now, and I am. I love my boys more than anything. I am thankful for them, I feel blessed. I’m not saying I’m constantly in a dark place, that I wake up miserable and go to bed miserable…but the dark place is like a boomerang. I throw it as hard as I can, away from me, away from my body, away from my family and my hopes and dreams…but then it comes back to me and hits me straight in the face, demanding to be acknowledged. It screams “I am here! You can’t ignore me!”. I’ll toss it away, again, only to have it come back to me. Several times each day.

I used to be able to handle tough situations easily. I used to have patience. Now I can’t, and I don’t. I’m yelling more than I should, more than anyone should. I get frustrated over the tiniest things. Nolan not cooperating is a big trigger. He’s 3, and I get that they don’t often cooperate, but it’s frustrating because I need him to cooperate, ever so slightly. Archer is such a high needs baby, and he takes almost all of my energy.

I can’t remember things. I can’t remember if feeling things that I’m feeling is normal. I can’t remember if what I’m feeling is what I felt when Nolan was this age. I’m still trying to function on mom zombie brain. It’s almost like a mindset you get into when you have a newborn, to survive. Archer isn’t a newborn anymore though, but he’s still pretty high needs. He demands so much of my time, and he usually isn’t content in waiting or playing by himself while I pee or brush my hair or teeth or try to clean my house.

I think I’m having a hard time with everything because I want to be amazing at it all. I want to have a spotless house, home made meals, and still have time to play with both my kids. I want to do fun activities and make amazing memories but still have time for me, and for Matt. I feel like I’m failing all of the above though. My house is messier than I want it to be, I make grilled cheese sandwiches and mac & cheese more than I’d like to, and I somewhat succeed in playing with them…at least inside. But the fun activities rarely happen, mostly because fun activities require a tiny bit of money. Money for gas to get places, a little bit of money to spend on fun things.

Time for me is stolen, stolen from time that I could be using to clean or play with them, but I need to steal a little time every once in a while. As for time for Matt…I’m trying. It’s hard to carve out time for each other when we both constantly focus on the kids. Focusing on the kids isn’t a bad thing, but we’ve been doing it for so long now that we’ve forgotten how to truly focus on each other.

We’re going on a date tonight, and aside from simply having our phones with us for emergencies, I’m hoping to make it 100% about us. There are so many things that I’d like to do. I’d like to just sit at the water front, on top of the car and hold hands. Talk. Get lost in each other like we used to. I also want to see The Avengers, because we’ve both been dying to see that movie and date nights are so far and few in between. I’m so exited for this date…we really need it. I really need it.

Matt gets to go out more than I do, mainly because he has more friends in this town but also because his friends are content with just chilling and playing some video games on xBox while drinking beers. My friends are more likely to want to do something that requires money…like the movies, or shopping. Things that I can’t exactly do as often as I’d like to because we’re broke. Date night is something we’ve forced ourselves to afford because we need it, bad.

Today I am going to drive to my doctor’s office and demand an appointment. I need to figure out if all the things I’m battling internally are normal, or situational, or if there’s something else going on. I hate admitting something might be wrong with me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that by not admitting something is wrong…I’m being just like her. To this day, she still denies that she has any kind of mental illness. She’s so far gone, she doesn’t even know she’s gone. I don’t want to end up like that, I don’t want it to get to a point where I can’t come back from it. Maybe nothing is the matter, maybe it’s all just in my head…but maybe it isn’t.

I just don’t feel…right. I don’t feel happy and carefree, like I used to be. I have incredibly happy moments in each of my days, and that’s what keeps me going, keeps me striving to keep the boomerang away, but the sad and frustrating parts feel overwhelmingly difficult. Like incredible, impossible weights on my shoulders. And the guilt…the guilt that I can’t escape. I feel guilty for being mad, or sad. I feel crazy for my emotions, my insecurities, all of those feelings. Matt and I have been fighting a lot lately, and I feel like that’s all my fault. I should be more supportive and understanding, and not resentful about the whole job thing. I shouldn’t let my insecurities darken any part of our life together, and they do. I don’t know how to not be resentful about the job thing, save for him getting a job, and I don’t know how to stop my insecurities because I know that they are actually unwarranted.

So, I don’t really know what the point of this post is. To admit that there is a dark place? To admit that I’m not all sunshine and rainbows and happiness? That I’ve been lying to myself about it? To admit that maybe I really do need to make changes, and get help?


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in depression, family, marriage, raw writings, struggles. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Boomerang

  1. Girl, you are not alone in what you are feeling. I know that I struggle a lot with not being able to “do it all.” And being involved in the internet sometimes doesn't help… we see other bloggers who look like they have the perfect lives. But ya know what? No one does. We are all just trying to do the best we can do. And being a mom is HARD. Like really hard. Just know that you aren't alone.

    But, I also think it is GREAT that you are going to talk to your doc about this. If you are suffering from some sort of depression/anxiety, the last thing you want to do is try to ignore it and/or fight it alone.

    I think it's awesome that you posted this.

  2. It definitely doesn't help, because you're right…we see all the “perfect lives” of other bloggers, because most people will only put the good out there…which is why I try to be a little bit honest with my feelings. 😉 It definitely helps hearing that I'm not alone in this.

    And thank you ❤ you're awesome!

  3. Yeah, you're definitely not alone. I tend to fluctuate myself. I have more good weeks than bad weeks now that I get a lot more sleep and now that Ryan has a decent job. I think sleepless nights and money struggles really wear down on a person. But you should know that you are doing an amazing job. Sure, nobody's perfect…but your kids are taken care of and loved and they know that they are loved. It shows in all the beautiful pictures you have of your boys that they are very happy. Glad to hear you are going to the doctor's in any case. If you don't have to live like this than why should you, right?

  4. Sleep and money sounds about right. And thank you ❤

  5. Jess says:

    Hey girl, I just wanted to comment to let you know you're not alone, and just tell you that even know we've never met, I really like you and I like reading your blog, even when it's about the negative stuff like this. I hope I don't sound like a stalker creep or anything, lol. I've been dealing with depression since I was 10 years old, and it's hard stuff. I recently started blogging again, and this time I'm not going to be afraid to write about my true feelings, like when I'm depressed or feeling down because we're broke. I need to get it out, ya know? I hate admitting it too but I just realized that writing about it makes me feel better. <3

    Check out my blog, pretty please? Maybe we could be friends from afar, I need all the support I can get 🙂

  6. I already count you as one of my friends from afar 🙂 I'm here for ya! xo

  7. Shannon says:

    I went to the same dark place after my first baby who had colic and was very “high needs”. It wasn't til she was a year old that I really realized I was suffering from ppd since its not like I couldn't get out of bed and do what I needed to do. I had just lost interest in all the things I liked to do. That's what depression looked like for me. It's different for everyone. You are juggling a lot of challenges (money struggles, baby/toddler, chronic health condition) and it is totally understandable that it is adding up to these feelings. I also have a chronic health condition and for years I acted like it was no big deal-I took care of myself and was healthy but never wanted to admit that dealing with it on a daily basis could eventually have emotional repercussions too. In the past few years I have realized that both my physical and mental health are affected by my condition and a coring it has helped me be more gentle with myself. Just so you know you're not alone. Good luck with the doc. Hope you get some answers. Just talking about it is likely to make you feel a bit better too. 🙂

  8. I'm a new reader coming by from the I ❤ My Blog hop. Although I don't know you personally I want to say I am proud of you for getting an appointment with the doctor and facing the fact that you might need a little bit of help. My husband recently got diagnosed with a mental illness, and it has been one of the hardest steps to take in our lives. The outcome is SO worth the fear, though. I wish you the best.

  9. Thank you Shannon! 🙂 I did feel better after talking about it!

  10. Thank you Karen! And thank you for stopping by 🙂

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