More Mom Guilt

Today has been…difficult. Very difficult. I don’t know what my problem is lately. I’m depressed for [seemingly] no reason, easy to anger, and just BLAH. All the time. I’m trying to get back into a schedule of getting out of the house three times a week for play group, but it’s been hard to coax myself to do so. I did it today, and I’m proud of myself…I pat myself on the back for it…but it was hard. Getting these two kids ready and out the door on time, and chasing Nolan around at play group whilst trying to hold on to Archer…it’s tough. Sure, I look forward to the socalization and all that crap, but my body isn’t exactly built for this – as much as I hate to admit it.

When I go to play group, I can pretty much grantee that the rest of the day will be a write off. I can pretty much know that accomplishing anything outside of going to play group will be an almost impossible fleet. Sure, the rare day I’ll be able to get some serious cleaning done but those days are far and few in between.

My to-do list is ever growing and it’s making me super anxious. I need to clean upstairs, downstairs, and the basement. I need to catch up on a zillion piles of laundry, and deep clean the kitchen. I can’t stand having a messy house and my house is MESSY. I can’t stand being behind on chores and I’m BEHIND. But my drive and stamina has all gone to play group this morning. I just want to curl up into a ball under a warm blanket and do nothing. Obviously, that’s rather impossible with two little wee ones to take care of, but I still feel guilty for wanting that.

My kids have so much freakin’ energy. Seriously, where do they even get it?! Nolan especially. Every day for the past week we’ve gotten out of the house, be it a walk or a trip to the park or play group, and every single time we’ll return home and I will be utterly spent and exhausted and he will be bouncing off the walls still.

I love going places with the boys. I love going to the park and the water front and running around, but it irks me that I can’t keep up with them. It stings every time Nolan says “Come on Mommy! Come and get me!” when the walk there took everything I had and more. Sometimes, I curse this body of mine. I curse it because I want to keep up with my boys. I want to build sandcastles and play tag and run around with them. I want them to remember me as the mom who always played, not the mom who always sat out…and while I don’t always sit out, I have to sit out more than I’d like to {which is, like, ever}. Mom guilt eats me up over that, it chews me up and spits me out.

I really am enjoying Archer’s baby days and I don’t wish them away or anything, I’m painfully aware of the fact that I’ll blink and he’ll be a toddler, but a part of me is excited for him to be at the same stage as Nolan, the almost independent stage, so that Nolan will have someone just as energetic as he is to play with him and chase him around. Perhaps the mom guilt will be less then, or maybe it won’t be less at all. I don’t know. All I know is that park trips right now are difficult with two because Archer can’t really play at the park and Nolan loves having company as he plays. Archer doesn’t like it when I leave his side for more than a second and he’s too big for the sling that I have. He figures out a way to wiggle out of it every time. I can only bring both boys to the park at the same time if Matt comes with me, and then I get to have mom guilt over leaving Archer at home with Matt while Nolan and I have a park date.

Isn’t mom guilt ridiculous? Seriously? Like, it’s always there. I feel guilty over every little thing I do or don’t do. Something always helps out – an article in a magazine, someone’s expert advice or “opinions” on what I’m doing or not doing – and I’m naturally the kind of person who over analyzes and beats themselves up over everything, without help from outside influences.

Another thing I’m feeling immensely guilty over is my longing for a break. Matt and I haven’t had a night away from the kids in like EVER and we haven’t been on a date since February. I’m a firm believer in the fact that couples should get out of the house at least once every two weeks or so, and have a date night, but obviously that isn’t in our budget right now. Plus we don’t exactly have anybody to watch the kids. So, yeah. All I want to do is go see one stankin’ movie with my husband and have just one evening out with him, just him, without worrying about the kids or money or ANYTHING else. Hopefully we can make that happen soon, although I doubt it will be this month, as we’re using our “extra” money on a family photo shoot. I really wanted to get a family portrait done when Archer was super itty bitty because I never got to do that with Nolan but stuff kept coming up. At least I have the Christmas photos I took…right? 

Anyways, that’s what’s going on in my head right now. You’re welcome for the verbal diarrhea, Interwebz.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in depression, living with chronic pain, mom guilt, mom stuff, random, thoughts, updates. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to More Mom Guilt

  1. tierney says:

    I understand there's probably something you'll always feel guilty about, but if it makes you feel any better …I've nannied for a number of different families and I PROMISE you, every.single.mom say's “I'm probably the worst mom ever for _____, don't tell anyone” and every time, it's something I've heard before. Insert: not sterilizing bottles, putting bottles in the microwave, giving a bottle to the baby in the crib, etc. none of that makes you (or anyone) a bad mom. You do the best in your situation with what you've been given. I understand the whole 'run out of energy, kids outlast me' better than most. In my opinion, I have the most productive days when I'm on a schedule and that schedule includes quiet time/nap time for kids of all ages- it allows me to recharge, clean up, and start all over again. As you get more familiar with being a mom to two, you'll figure out what works best with you, and if that means pack play group and running errands into 2 or 3 days of the week and the rest are stay home, unwind & clean the house days, then so be it! You're a good mom, don't forget that!

  2. Mom guilt does indeed suck. And being a stay at home mother causes a lot of pressure. We want to keep our homes perfectly immaculate because we are stay at home mothers and therefore it is our job, but we also want to spend lots of great quality time with our children because…hello…why else would we be SAHM's? I think we do need to let the obsession with having a perfect house go. Just remember what you've said yourself, “do I want my children to remember a perfectly clean house or a mommy who got down on the floor to play?” There's your answer.

    You're absolutely right, couples do need to make time for themselves. I wish I had an answer for the babysitter thing myself, but I don't. Ryan and I constantly take turns going out in the evenings after the kids are in bed and on the rare occasion his mother might come watch the kids so we can go out together. I'm so nitpicky about who babysits, and I know I need to be a little more open minded about but…I just can't. LOL. I would suggest asking family in North Bay if they know of any teenage girls looking to babysit. At least then you sort of have a reference from somebody.

  3. True…very true haha. Thank you!!

  4. Hah, you're correct…I did say that (about the messy house thing). Way to follow my own advice, huh?

    As for the babysitting thing, I'm even more picky about sitters with Archer so little. I don't mind when the kids are older, but…I don't know. Under a year I'm super picky. It's odd!

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