I’ll Think of You Now

I’m sitting here, trying to bring the words up from the depths of my heart where all the pain that you cause lays, to release it and breathe easier for a while. Only it’s just as difficult to address as it was when it all happened. There’s just as much confusion, hurt, and anger over everything and all those emotions sort of cloud everything else. When I think about you, I think about how unfair it is that you let this happen.

As I mother myself, I can honestly tell you that I would never let anything come between my children and I. A mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional, but you’ve put conditions on your love for us. You cut us out of your life when we wouldn’t conform to what you wanted. You never call or email and when we try to talk to you, you make it about all the pain and suffering you’ve had to endure because we “sided” with him. I would never expect my children to take sides on their parents relationship. It’s none of their business, and children shouldn’t be used as pawns in a parents relationship anyways – it’s cruel, no matter how old the children are.

I get angry, thinking about all this again. My anger and my feelings towards this entire situation never change. And yet…a part of me wishes that you’d come back, and somehow make amends for all the wrong you’ve done. You can play the good mom when everyone else is watching, on your Facebook where you probably talk about how much you miss us and love us and wish you could talk to us – but obviously that isn’t true because we’ve tried to talk to you and you’ve either ignored us or shut us down completely. I don’t know what’s worse, the silence that continues to scream loudly, somehow, in our ears, or the rejection we’ve faced those rare times you’ve decided to reply.

That’s why I didn’t reach out to you on your birthday, and I’m only acknowledging all of this {on my blog} because I want tomorrow to be about me, about how much I enjoy motherhood and my children. How amazing they are, and how they’ve made me grow into a better person. I don’t want want to think about you at all tomorrow, because I don’t want my day darkened by things I cannot change.

I hope, wherever you are, that you’re safe and happy. It’s not my style to wish ill onto others, so I hope you’ve found peace in your decision to leave us motherless, and I hope that your life is full of all the happiness you wanted when you said you’d be happier without us.

In leaving, you’ve taught me a lot about myself and about the kind of mother I will NEVER be, and that’s the one that leaves. I know that mothers aren’t supposed to be perfect, but they aren’t supposed to leave.

So, I won’t wish you a happy Mother’s day because in order to have one, you sort of need to fulfill the role of “mother” in some way, shape or form. For two + years now you haven’t. Instead, I wish you a happy day. I hope the guilt doesn’t rip your heart to pieces when you don’t receive any emails from me, because I’m just trying to protect my heart from your rejection.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in emotional, hurt, letters, motherless, pain, raw writings. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I’ll Think of You Now

  1. Jessica says:

    Aww. We have more in common that I thought. My biological mother left me and my sister when we were just babies. I was fortunate to be raised by my dad and step-mom, who is now just “mom” to me, but it still hurts to know that my bio mom didn't want to be a mother. Hugs to you. Hope you have a wonderful Mothers Day filled with lots of love and kisses from your boys.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Hey Jess.. My name is Melanie and I have been reading your blog for the past 3 years. I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom! I have an incredible mom and can't imagine the hurt you feel! I love your little family, and think you are a great mom, and just keep your chin up! Where she failed, you are flourishing! Happy Mother's day to you!! You are a winner girl!! 🙂

  3. I'm sorry you even have a reason to write this. But good for you, for learning from your mother's mistakes. In turn, you are a wonderful mother. Your boys adore you and it's not hard to see why. You put your everything into your children and their well being. I think Melanie put it perfectly, “where she failed, you are flourishing.” Happy Mother's Day!

  4. Isha says:

    I am so sorry. I have only been reading for a few weeks, but I can tell that you are a FABULOUS mother, and at the very least, she created you and you became something amazing. She's the one missing out on how incredible that is to see.

  5. You are an amazing person. *HUGS* You don't need her! It's her loss.

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