Currently Rethinking,

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am very impulsive. I’ll think “oh, that’d be a great idea!” and latch onto it with all I’ve got, convinced that it’d be best for me/us. My husband says that I’m not very good about seeing the whole picture, whatever that is. I spend too much time over-analyzing the current thoughts and situations.

I wrote earlier about wanting to go to college. I wanted it so bad that I actually started filling out applications and pushing the ball forward. I had all but convinced myself that it would be best. But…I wasn’t considering a lot of things.

Like Matt. I wasn’t considering him at all. I wasn’t considering the fact that he graduated from his program in August of last year and still hasn’t gotten a job in the welding field, and how him taking even more time off so that I could go to school myself would all but destroy any hopes he has in getting a job in his field. Already he’s having a hard time because he took three months off to help me out. He’s been job searching for 3 months but none of the local shops are hiring and he just doesn’t want to leave this northern town. In regards to that, Matt is realizing that he’s going to have to leave…tomorrow he has an appointment with an employment agency and that is his last shot on finding a job in this town. In addition, he’s also submitting his resume to out of province job opportunities again.

So, me going back to school isn’t going to happen right now. And I’m kind of super sad about that. I mean, obviously this was a totally far fetched idea. I’m a 2x collage drop out with 2 kids 3 and under…I’m a risk factor that OSAP wouldn’t fund. I mean, they would after I completed one successful semester. But I don’t have the money saved up for semester 1, so yeah…mote point.

I think I latched on to this college hope because I don’t enjoy being so reliant on other people, on Matt. I see many of my friends and fellow [blog] peers with careers and families and I feel insignificant, so insignificant. Coupled with the fact that “regular jobs” just aren’t available to me, I feel pretty useless. I know I’m not useless, but sometimes I feel down about it because I constantly feel hindered in almost every way thanks to my disability.

Today at the mall, I jokingly asked a friend if the shop he worked at was hiring. The first words out of his mouth were that “I couldn’t handle 8 hours of standing” and I know I can’t, and that he was just looking out for me but how discouraging is it to constantly be reminded about your disability?

Another thing that scares me is that I definitely do not want to end up like her. 31 years being a stay at home mom, and unable to function without that identity. You know? I know I won’t end up like that, because I’ll be damned. I will be going back to school one day, full-time. I will have a career one day, a fulfilling career that makes me and my family happy.

For now though, it makes sense to focus 100% on putting Matt’s education to good use, on having him do his time in getting experience and start saving for me. Then once we’ve saved enough for tuition, books, and even day care if needed (if the boys aren’t both in school), then school can be an option for me.

I feel kind of idiotic writing this out, but I knew people would start asking me if I submitted my applications and what the status was and all that. And let’s face it, I’m kind of idiotic and impulsive.

Perhaps I should spend a week at least thinking about things before telling anybody at all.


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in college, frustration, I'm lame, struggles, stuff and stuff, updates, who knows, wishy-washy. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Currently Rethinking,

  1. Rachel-Ann says:

    this is more for matt, but i know here in mb they are always looking for welders. a friends girlfriend is a trained welder and was working for the manitoba hydro making great money and shes the same age as us. if he is looking out of town tell him to search southern mb there are lots of great housing and the pay is amazing even with just your starter cert. any who cause i love you guys and some times we have to make moves we dont like for our careers. it could get him the career and money he wants and its cheaper living out here. i know its far from family. but you can always go back after a few years and you've made a shit load of cash.

  2. He'll look into that too, thank you. I definitely wouldn't be excited about moving haha, which is why he's looking at camps (20 days on, 12 days off and they send you home). We'll see what happens though!

  3. tierney says:

    I know it's probably a let down to have been excited about something and now realize how it would really work. In all honesty, I think it's best if Matt puts his career first at this point. My reasoning is that if you got a job, you'd likely be out your disability money and for you …that IS your job. You have a very important role in your household and I know it doesn't seem like it, but your disability money is your contribution and allows you to enjoy these years with your boys.

    In a few years time, you may have a strong interest, more money & more flexibility in your schedule to allow for a job. I know how irritating it is to not qualify for various jobs based on your physical abilities, but always remember, you ARE contributing financially to your household AND giving your boys the best care while doing so!

  4. Thank you Tierney, you're right ❤

  5. You're not alone in your thoughts. I sometimes resent Ryan. It sounds mean I know. But I think…wow. You got a college diploma, an advanced college diploma, and you're now working on your third diploma and I haven't even begun mine. It's not fair of me to think that way because I WANT to be home with my kids, rather than place them in daycare (that we simply can't afford anyways). So what I tell myself is now is the best time for Ryan to get all of his stuff done. That way, when both of my kids are in school, I can go back to school myself and focus on getting my diploma. I can support Ryan now, and he can support me later. It's win-win. And don't kid yourself. Just because you don't have a job to help financially, you still hold your family together with all of the other things you do.

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