An Epiphany

One night, while laying in bed, I had an epiphany. I was wondering why I was feeling the way I was {insecure, depressed, that sort of thing}. Then it hit me. I’m insecure of other women, but only other women around Matt.

I’m 100% fine with hanging out with the girls, but I get insecure if Matt is around. I suddenly feel in competition with other women. I’m only 100% comfortable hanging out with couples together, an even boy/girl ratio.

I came to this conclusion when I realized that I was feeling insecure about Matt’s cousin being around. Yeah, his cousin. We’ve been helping R out a lot lately, taking her to get groceries, making sure she’s eating…that kind of thing. But I’ve been feeling more depressed and insecure lately, and when I realized that it was because of simply just having another woman around…well, I felt like an idiot.

When Matt got home from dropping R back at her place, he found me upstairs basically crying. I told him what I was feeling – that I was feeling insecure and in competition with his cousin, and that I was 100% aware that it was unmerited and ridiculous but that I was having a really hard time shaking it. Matt’s never given me a reason to distrust him, ever. I just distrust other women, and even admitting that leaves a sour taste in my mouth because that’s what my mother always used to say. Every single time I’ve ever been distrustful of someone, it’s been unmerited.

I know that I shouldn’t, and I hate that I am. I don’t want to be the insecure, jealous type. I didn’t even realize I was until, well, I realized I was. I don’t want to be like her but that’s how she was. She was jealous and insecure, and she competed with us for attention when we got older. It was never obvious until I thought about it, until Matt pointed out that that’s probably why. He noticed it, it’s easier for an outsider to take note of those kinds of things. He never said anything to me because apparently my craziness doesn’t bother him too much. He does have friends that are girls, but they’re all down south and they’re mutual friends of us both and despite that I still feel insecure and in competition, even that I know absolutely nothing would ever happen. I have nothing to worry about.

Matt sees me on a regular basis, and yes he still pays attention to me when other people are around {plenty!} but he is also a good host. He’ll pay more attention to company or guests because they’re guests and in our home. He doesn’t want them to feel unwelcome and I totally agree. It’s not like I make a fuss about things in front of company – seriously, I’m not one to draw attention to my negative feelings – but the entire time I’ll be smiling while battling my insecurities inwardly while trying to enjoy conversations and enjoy having company over. I’ll get angry about little, insignificant things. I asked Matt if it was obvious when I was angry/insecure, and he said not at all so at least I’ve managed to hide it in the face of company. I honestly wouldn’t ever want to make someone feel as if they were unwelcome in our home. I honestly don’t want to make someone feel uncomfortable for being insecure about absolutely nothing, about a gender.

I know that Matt loves me, I know this with every fiber of my body. Not a day goes by when he doesn’t make me feel loved and he gives me plenty of affection, almost non-stop. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted every single moment of the day – even when I’m trying to wash dishes or something. I don’t want to feel jealous and insecure of other women, I want to be confident and happy all the time. I know it’s not Matt making me feel this way, it’s me.

I guess the first step is admitting it, and owning it. And I’m doing just that. I’m not sure what the second step is, I’m not sure how I’ll be able to silence those insecure, jealous voices from overtaking me and making me feel depressed.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in love, marriage, raw truths, self improvement, struggles. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to An Epiphany

  1. I don't think this make you crazy. You're human — and a woman, to boot. I feel insecure around other women sometimes. Often they are coworkers of Mike's, and even though I know they're just friends and even have significant others of their own, I still feel that twinge. It's normal. Like you and Matt, Mike has never given me any reason to doubt his fidelity… but I still have my stupid moments of insecurity.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. You said so yourself that you try your hardest to ignore it and continue on while the guests are around as though nothing is wrong, and that's all that matters. Relationships are hard. We all have our flaws; what's important is that you keep working on improving them, and are honest with yourself and Matt.

    xoxoxo

  2. It helps hearing that you also feel that twinge – and what a perfect way to describe it. It's a twinge. An uncomfortable twinge.

    Thanks for cheering me up. Honesty is very important in any relationship, even this “blogging” relationship I have with everyone. I don't like when people think I'm all that, because I'm human…I'm not on a pedestal and don't want to ever be put on one. Which is why I try to be honest here, too, and always with Matt. 🙂

  3. Poppy says:

    I don't know if you have any resources, but it might help to speak with a professional about this. If you have no way of doing that, perhaps just reading about jealousy could help you understand why you have it.

    http://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Jealousy

    It's an ugly emotion, one that seems to take a lot of work to get rid of completely, if that's even possible. I think it's just one of those base instincts we inherited from our cavewomen days, a territorial thing. But, it will be healthier for you if you learn how to cope with it and keep it in check. It sounds like you're having the angry jealousy as opposed to the fear-based jealousy. A professional can help you identify where your anger is coming from, which could help put the jealousy as well as a lot of other yucky-feeling emotions in perspective/check/balance for you.

  4. I know it's hard not to assume you're taking after your mother…but really you're not. More women are territorial and jealous than women who aren't. We are protective of our men. I get VERY jealous VERY easily. I have my cousin Kathleen here all the time and that doesn't bother me. Same with my best friend, Sheigh, who is a TOTAL knock out. So friends, family, women we KNOW being around…I'm good with that. But I don't like when strangers (women) get friendly with Ryan. My mind automatically assumes the worse. So, case in point, you're not alone in your feelings. I can trust Ryan just like you can trust Matt…so it really is frustrating that it's our own insecurities causing this, not a lack of trust. Self esteem is a hard thing to increase.

    I will say this though, you're seriously beautiful and a really nice person…so there is no competition. Matt has it made and no other woman is capable of capturing his attention like you do.

  5. Pingback: Back to the 90s | The Fevered Pen

  6. I totally relate to this. Totally. I know how you feel. It’s hard to say what causes that insecurity, but I have it too. But I think you’re really brave to confront it and write about it. 🙂

    • Jess says:

      I want to confront it, I want it to go away. I know I’m being ridiculous but…gah. Writing as openly as I can about it is the only way I can think of to, well, acknowledge it. And thanks!

  7. I do think that’s predominantly a woman thing. For me, I’m more withdrawn and like time together with just me and my hubby or maybe one other couple….it’s just more comfortable. Meanwhile, my hubby is very social, and loves being around lots of other people. He also can’t help but be friendly so I fnd myself upset by that sometimes. I know the truth is that he and I are just different and he adores me for who I am, as I’m sure Matt adores you too. We are only human though and therefore subject to these momentary lapses in our confidence.

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