On Ignoring Things…Mainly Pain Things.

I’m pretty good at ignoring things. Pain, for one. Pain is constant in my life, and I’ve learned how to all but ignore it. If I acknowledge it? If I show weakness at all? That means the pain has hit a new level of unbearable, one that I can’t ignore. If I’m complaining, then there’s an issue.

I don’t like to admit I’m in pain, even at all. My threshold is pretty high. I can take a lot. I think I do this because I don’t want to appear weak in anyone’s eyes. I don’t want to appear incapable. I don’t want to acknowledge that my disability is a, well, disability. And it’s foolish, it really is. I’m working on changing this about myself, because I don’t want Nolan to follow that example. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me he’s hurting.

Dr. K up North warned me that my ankle would just get worse and worse. He warned me that it would fuse more and more. He said he could operate, he said that he could try and prevent the fusing, the locking, but that it would just do it again. I’ve been reading up and apparently they use bone fusion as a way to help patients with really bad arthritis, so doesn’t that mean that fusing wouldn’t hurt? Or is fusing an entirely different ball game when you have MHE? Or, is my ankle even fusing at all? Was that just a prediction? I can barely even remember what Dr. K said…it was so long ago. I don’t know. These are questions that I’ll need to ask my doctor when I go to see him (whenever that will be…). Point is, my ankle hurts a lot, like an indescribable lot. So much so that I’m writing a blog post about it. An entire post dedicated to it! So much so that I had to ask my MIL to apply a cream (that unfortunately, didn’t really do anything at all aside from make my ankle smell like peppermint). 

I’m freaking out inwardly about ruining the wedding by passing out during the ceremony from the pain. It’s that bad, right now. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to build my pain tolerance past this pain like I have in the past (and trust me, I know that that’s probably not a good thing), or maybe magically my ankle will stop hurting on it’s own. I doubt this, considering I didn’t actually even do anything to cause the pain. I haven’t twisted my ankle, or walked around too much. Actually, yesterday I had a really relaxing, sit at home and do nothing day and it was wonderful (until my ankle started with the whole “intense amounts of pain” thing, anyway).

It’s rather amusing how I’m constantly worried I’ll ruin Kate’s wedding, isn’t it? I worried I’d ruin her wedding by needing to stop and pump/feed Archer, and now I’m worried my pain will ruin her wedding too. I guess because I know, from getting married myself, that there’s always that one person who makes the day irritating and does something to lessen the wondrous feelings about getting married. I’m over stressing that I’ll be that person. I need to breathe and relax a little, I know! I’m trying. Kate’s wedding is going to be beautiful and gorgeous, and I will not pass out. At least not from ankle related pain during the ceremony…quite possibly from alcohol related ingestion during the reception. I kid, kind of.

So, the point of the post? Well…I suppose it’s to acknowledge that I’m actually in more pain than I care to admit (could you tell?), and to confess that I’m unable to ignore it this time. I’m admitting that I need to see [another] doctor about my ankle (as well as my hands…and quite possibly my shoulder…and maybe about a better way of dealing with pain instead of “ignoring” it until it gets to this point) in the very near future. I’ve asked Matt to go to my doctors office and request a requisition for an x-ray on my ankle (since they refuse to answer their phones…at all) and hopefully once he gets that, I’ll be able to go to the local hospital for some x-rays to send to Dr. W in Toronto. And hopefully, he’ll see me quickly and fix me all up nice and pretty so I can chase Nolan around again. 

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in living with chronic pain, me, MHE, updates. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to On Ignoring Things…Mainly Pain Things.

  1. Poppy says:

    Pain sucks, ignoring it only lasts for so long. I hope all goes just as you hope it will.

  2. tierney says:

    I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain. It really impedes on one's quality of life. Chronic pain is one of the tougher disabilities because no one can see it. They don't understand what's happening internally so it's hard to have anyone comprehend what you're dealing with. All that aside, I've recently been diagnosed with arthritis in my neck as a result of all of my spine surgeries. For the joint pain, you should consider taking glucosamine with chondroitin. You can get it in a drink, pills, powders, etc. It's effective in helping to lubricate the joints and allows for more flexibility and movement. It takes a while to start working but it's a natural supplement and if it lessens any of the pain & discomfort, it's definitely worth it! Best of luck- I hope we both stop hurting (or find a way to better coppe with it) soon.

  3. You poor thing. I've noticed you talking about your pain on Twitter. I can't imagine that 😦 You definitely need to see your doctor and have this dealt with. You shouldn't learn to build your pain tolerance, you don't have to live like this. So a little tough love from me to you…GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, WOMAN!

  4. jessi ♥ says:

    Pain does suck, and you're right of course. You can only ignore it for so long 😦 and thank you, I hope it goes as I hope it will too. ❤

  5. jessi ♥ says:

    I will definitely look into that thank you!!! ❤

  6. jessi ♥ says:

    I know. SIGH. If only it were that easy, setting up doctors appointments takes a long time unfortunately. I'm working on it!

  7. Liz says:

    I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I tend to ignore mine, too, so it'd feel hypocritical to yell at you; instead I'll just send you hugs. *hugs*

  8. Hi Jessie,
    I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much pain. I have a high tolerance for pain too, I can relate to not saying anything since I don't want to be viewed as 'weak'. It's silly, but occasionally I still do this…

    I was going to suggest glucosamine with chondroitin, but see tierney has already mentioned that. Definitely check that out, and read up on it too. I have a friend that uses it, and it works for them.

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