I’m pretty good at ignoring things. Pain, for one. Pain is constant in my life, and I’ve learned how to all but ignore it. If I acknowledge it? If I show weakness at all? That means the pain has hit a new level of unbearable, one that I can’t ignore. If I’m complaining, then there’s an issue.
I don’t like to admit I’m in pain, even at all. My threshold is pretty high. I can take a lot. I think I do this because I don’t want to appear weak in anyone’s eyes. I don’t want to appear incapable. I don’t want to acknowledge that my disability is a, well, disability. And it’s foolish, it really is. I’m working on changing this about myself, because I don’t want Nolan to follow that example. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t tell me he’s hurting.
Dr. K up North warned me that my ankle would just get worse and worse. He warned me that it would fuse more and more. He said he could operate, he said that he could try and prevent the fusing, the locking, but that it would just do it again. I’ve been reading up and apparently they use bone fusion as a way to help patients with really bad arthritis, so doesn’t that mean that fusing wouldn’t hurt? Or is fusing an entirely different ball game when you have MHE? Or, is my ankle even fusing at all? Was that just a prediction? I can barely even remember what Dr. K said…it was so long ago. I don’t know. These are questions that I’ll need to ask my doctor when I go to see him (whenever that will be…). Point is, my ankle hurts a lot, like an indescribable lot. So much so that I’m writing a blog post about it. An entire post dedicated to it! So much so that I had to ask my MIL to apply a cream (that unfortunately, didn’t really do anything at all aside from make my ankle smell like peppermint).
I’m freaking out inwardly about ruining the wedding by passing out during the ceremony from the pain. It’s that bad, right now. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to build my pain tolerance past this pain like I have in the past (and trust me, I know that that’s probably not a good thing), or maybe magically my ankle will stop hurting on it’s own. I doubt this, considering I didn’t actually even do anything to cause the pain. I haven’t twisted my ankle, or walked around too much. Actually, yesterday I had a really relaxing, sit at home and do nothing day and it was wonderful (until my ankle started with the whole “intense amounts of pain” thing, anyway).
It’s rather amusing how I’m constantly worried I’ll ruin Kate’s wedding, isn’t it? I worried I’d ruin her wedding by needing to stop and pump/feed Archer, and now I’m worried my pain will ruin her wedding too. I guess because I know, from getting married myself, that there’s always that one person who makes the day irritating and does something to lessen the wondrous feelings about getting married. I’m over stressing that I’ll be that person. I need to breathe and relax a little, I know! I’m trying. Kate’s wedding is going to be beautiful and gorgeous, and I will not pass out. At least not from ankle related pain during the ceremony…quite possibly from alcohol related ingestion during the reception. I kid, kind of.
So, the point of the post? Well…I suppose it’s to acknowledge that I’m actually in more pain than I care to admit (could you tell?), and to confess that I’m unable to ignore it this time. I’m admitting that I need to see [another] doctor about my ankle (as well as my hands…and quite possibly my shoulder…and maybe about a better way of dealing with pain instead of “ignoring” it until it gets to this point) in the very near future. I’ve asked Matt to go to my doctors office and request a requisition for an x-ray on my ankle (since they refuse to answer their phones…at all) and hopefully once he gets that, I’ll be able to go to the local hospital for some x-rays to send to Dr. W in Toronto. And hopefully, he’ll see me quickly and fix me all up nice and pretty so I can chase Nolan around again.