Our relationship has always been passionate and fast paced. We fell for each other quickly, which I thought was only possible in books and movies. It’s been a wild and crazy ride, and I love it. We’ve been through so much together in the past three years, together we’ve taken on so much. I love everything about our relationship. I love how we love without holding back, even if that means that we pretty much fight the same way. I love that we know our relationship isn’t perfect, we have our issues but they are so incredibly minor, it’s like they’re barely even there. I can be totally pissed off at him in the moment, think it’s the worlds worst thing ever and he’s such a jerk, but then I take a step back and ask myself…really? I’m this pissed off over him wanting to go visit a friend? The man is a saint, he helps out so much and deserves his breaks. Just as I do. Half the time when I’m mad at him, I’m not really mad at him. I’m mad at the other things that I can’t control. Financial stress, job insecurity, that sort of thing.
That’s how it usually goes. The other half of the time, if I’m being honest here (and that is my intent), 9 times out of 10…I am the one being a jerk. I’m the one over reacting, wanting things my way and then stomping my feet the rare times that I can’t have it my way. He gives in to me more often than not, I’m spoiled that way (and every other way too). He overreaches to make me happy, moving us into this big huge expensive house was an overreach that causes him stress but he did it because I wanted to move. He’s always wanted to give me the moon and then some. The man literally cannot say no to me, and I’m pretty sure when he has to it causes him actual pain.
He is not perfect, nor am I. I am emotional and I expect things to go my way all the time. I freak out over anything and everything that I cannot control. I worry, I stress, and I let all that bleed into everything I do. He is hot heated, temperamental, and moody. He hides behind the tough guy bravo, but deep down is a bleeding heart, just as I am.
I can honestly say that he is the most incredible man that I know. He loves his kids to the moon and back, its obvious in simply just watching him interact with them. He would do anything to make me happy, anything but being away from us. He would rather us live simply than make tons of money, because he wants to be around. He wants to come home to us each and every night and I love that. At first, his decision to not go to Alberta had me angry. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to go and make tons of money for us. Then I realized, that it’s not all about money. That asking him to miss out on so much was selfish.
Another thing I adore about him is that he is a total prankster, and I’m gullible so you can imagine the fun he has with me on a day to day basis. It’s so easy for him to get me going, and I’ll believe him every time.
One of my biggest, deepest insecurities is that he will leave me, that he will find someone better than I am, someone prettier, someone less dependent on him. It’s a silly fear, really, when you think about it. He has never given me reason to believe that he would leave me, he’d rather make thousands of dollars less per year than leave my side. But still, I’m insecure. I’m demanding, I’m dependent. I have expectations that can be incredibly difficult to meet. I own this, and I try my hardest to recognize it. Lately, I’ve been controlling these expectations a little better.
I asked him once about love, and he said there is that one person you just know you’re destined to be with and that I am that person. He knew it from the moment he first met me. His exact thoughts were there she is. It clicked in me, too. The moment I saw him I had to have him, you can ask my friend Robyn. I said those words to her. I have to have him. I think that night, if I’m being incredibly honest, I started dreaming about marrying him. I’m a freak, what can I say?
I know he’s the one, he’s always been the one and he’ll always be the one. So why do I fear him leaving so much? Probably because nothing in life is granted. I spent my whole life thinking my parents would be together forever, and then they weren’t. I guess part of me fears that I have the same delusion, even though I know that’s not true. We’re different from our parents, I know the mistakes we make are not their mistakes and never will be. We fight to make it work, we don’t fight to fight, and we try our hardest to not close off one another. We try to avoid building walls to protect one another from the “hurt”, because communication is key. Everyone says that, and it’s true. Communication is key. I know my parents kept stuff from each other, each of them thinking the other couldn’t handle hearing it. They failed. I guess I just fear, more than anything, that failing and I refuse to let it happen. I’m stubborn that way.
We fight, we argue, and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is never fighting, never discussing issues. Never resolving things. Matt and I never go to bed angry at one another, our issues always get sorted – or at least “agreed to disagree” – before we turn in for the night, even if it seems like we’ll never get it solved in that moment, but that’s just me being dramatic. When we have a hard time communicating, we simply hold each other, cuddle it out. Accept that we’re angry with one another, but understand that it’s not the end of the world to argue over things. For me, and for him too…it’s not about winning or being right, the fight isn’t the important thing. Resolving it is. Having each other is. I’d rather not fight about things, but then and again…I’d rather always be right ;0) of course, that’s not always possible.
I’m lucky, and I know it. The “only” thing we really fight about is financial stuff anyway. When things get tough financially, we tend to argue more because we’re both stressed out. The rest of the stuff, the procrastinating (him) and the tea bags in the sink (me), are little nothings that we laugh about when the initial irritation wears off.
Building a strong marriage takes work, and lots of it. Marriage is the foundation in which you build your family, and it’s really important to keep that in mind at all times. It takes time and effort and the willingness to put in that time and effort. We have that willingness, we make that time and effort, so I know we’ll be more than okay.
On a side note…I have such fun with this man. I’m really hoping this summer we will be able to get away, just the two of us. I would love to spend a weekend in Niagara Falls, so we’re going to start saving for that as soon as my sister’s wedding is over and as soon as we move down south. Those expenses kind of prevent us from saving for anything else, but that’s okay. I also want to plan a photo shoot, just the two of us (after our family photo shoot is done). I sort of want them done at the county fair in September. I’ve always loved the fair, even if I hate carnival rides. The colours, the lights, the sounds, the cotton candy…all that makes it worth the admissions fee. Plus we could get some pretty sick dusk photos.