If you’ve been following me on Twitter today, you’ve probably noticed that I’m in one of those super awesome emo moods. For the past two days I’ve been extremely reactive, angry, uptight, anxious, and weepy. The stress of just everything is getting to me. Finally.
Things have been incredibly stressful with Matt not working. It’s been three months. His boss keeps giving him the ring around, saying to call next week, they’ll be work for him, and when he does call? There isn’t any work for him. But call next week because there will be!! The only reason why Matt’s kept the job is because he figured it’d be better to stay on the payroll, taking whatever work was available, rather than not have any job at all. Although…it sort of feels like he hasn’t had any job at all because there hasn’t been any work for him but hey, that’s a mote point. Matt has been looking for work elsewhere, but obviously he hasn’t been successful in that department.
Matt and I have been arguing a lot lately, and it’s because of me, mainly. I’ve been pushing for him to go to Alberta (if he even gets that job, he’s applied for it) and he doesn’t really want to go to Alberta. Scratch that, he absolutely does not want to go to Alberta. He doesn’t want to be that far away from his boys and I and he certainly can’t imagine going a whole 20 days and nights without seeing us when he gets off work. I understand. But still, I push.
I push because I’m scared, because I’m so very tired of being as broke as we are. I push because I think that the money will help jump start our future, I think it will help lead us to more solid financial grounds. I push because I feel out of control of everything. Due to my disability I can’t just go out and work whatever job to help bring in some extra money, and even if Matt got a full time job somewhere here or down south, we’d still be living the way we are: barely getting by, enough to cover rent/food/those kinds of expenses but never enough to save and move forward.
I feel stuck. I’m tired of feeling stuck.
I feel isolated being so far North, so far away from my family and friends. I feel incredibly, incredibly lonely and depressed. I miss my dad, my sisters, Matt’s mom…everyone. I miss JD and Robyn and all my other friends.
And so, I’ve been in this mood…this yucky, icky, mood. I lash out at the people I care about most, and I have such unrealistic expectations.
I had a massive ugly cry fit while on the phone with my sister. Matt actually had to look away. Why? Because he instantly thought of Farrah from Teen Mom and almost laughed out loud because apparently I pretty much out-ugly-cried her ass.
Even as it was happening, I knew I was out-ugly-crying Farrah. Heck if I was so busy trying not to cry (and failing epically), I probably would have demanded Matt take a picture so I could actually see just how ugly my ugly cry is but alas, that probably wouldn’t help improve my mood right now anyway.
After having my full out, ugly cry melt down…I feel slightly better. I figured tossing a few incoherent sentences together might also help elevate the stress of everything, so here we are.
To sum it up: 1) I’m tired of being broke, 2) I miss my family and friends, and 3) my ugly cry is uglier than Farrah’s.