That Awkward Moment: when your ugly cry resembles that of Farrah’s from Teen Mom.

If you’ve been following me on Twitter today, you’ve probably noticed that I’m in one of those super awesome emo moods. For the past two days I’ve been extremely reactive, angry, uptight, anxious, and weepy. The stress of just everything is getting to me. Finally.

Things have been incredibly stressful with Matt not working. It’s been three months. His boss keeps giving him the ring around, saying to call next week, they’ll be work for him, and when he does call? There isn’t any work for him. But call next week because there will be!! The only reason why Matt’s kept the job is because he figured it’d be better to stay on the payroll, taking whatever work was available, rather than not have any job at all. Although…it sort of feels like he hasn’t had any job at all because there hasn’t been any work for him but hey, that’s a mote point. Matt has been looking for work elsewhere, but obviously he hasn’t been successful in that department.

Matt and I have been arguing a lot lately, and it’s because of me, mainly. I’ve been pushing for him to go to Alberta (if he even gets that job, he’s applied for it) and he doesn’t really want to go to Alberta. Scratch that, he absolutely does not want to go to Alberta. He doesn’t want to be that far away from his boys and I and he certainly can’t imagine going a whole 20 days and nights without seeing us when he gets off work. I understand. But still, I push.

I push because I’m scared, because I’m so very tired of being as broke as we are. I push because I think that the money will help jump start our future, I think it will help lead us to more solid financial grounds. I push because I feel out of control of everything. Due to my disability I can’t just go out and work whatever job to help bring in some extra money, and even if Matt got a full time job somewhere here or down south, we’d still be living the way we are: barely getting by, enough to cover rent/food/those kinds of expenses but never enough to save and move forward.

I feel stuck. I’m tired of feeling stuck.

I feel isolated being so far North, so far away from my family and friends. I feel incredibly, incredibly lonely and depressed. I miss my dad, my sisters, Matt’s mom…everyone. I miss JD and Robyn and all my other friends.

And so, I’ve been in this mood…this yucky, icky, mood. I lash out at the people I care about most, and I have such unrealistic expectations.

I had a massive ugly cry fit while on the phone with my sister. Matt actually had to look away. Why? Because he instantly thought of Farrah from Teen Mom and almost laughed out loud because apparently I pretty much out-ugly-cried her ass.

Even as it was happening, I knew I was out-ugly-crying Farrah. Heck if I was so busy trying not to cry (and failing epically), I probably would have demanded Matt take a picture so I could actually see just how ugly my ugly cry is but alas, that probably wouldn’t help improve my mood right now anyway.

After having my full out, ugly cry melt down…I feel slightly better. I figured tossing a few incoherent sentences together might also help elevate the stress of everything, so here we are.

To sum it up: 1) I’m tired of being broke, 2) I miss my family and friends, and 3) my ugly cry is uglier than Farrah’s.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in depression, frustrations, life as I know it, sad, snapshots of life, struggles, ugly cry. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to That Awkward Moment: when your ugly cry resembles that of Farrah’s from Teen Mom.

  1. Amber says:

    I had one of those days Wednesday for a whole lot of reasons. I wish I could give you a great big hug!

    I know this isn't what you want to hear right now, but I'm going to say it anyway. Right now? As a married couple with two young children… it's *supposed* to be hard. You don't grow without trials and hard times. You don't get to figure out what you're made of and what you're willing to sacrifice. You don't get to draw closer together through it all, because at the end of the day, one another is all you really have. Unless you struggle.

    In a few years, I promise you that you and Matt are going to be laughing at the things you are so stressed about right now. You're going to shake your head and wonder how on earth you guys made it through… but then feel the warm glow of pride and accomplishment that you DID and that your marriage, family, and finances are so much stronger because of it.

    I guess I just want to encourage you to know that countless other young couples have struggled with these same things before you guys and they come out on the other side. Better because of it. And the decisions you guys make now is going to determine a whole LOT of things.

    Clearly, Matt can't continue working somewhere that they aren't giving him work. And, obviously, everyone can have an opinion about the things you write… but ultimately, the decision will be yours and yours alone. But it's my opinion that him going to Alberta isn't the best choice. You need him to give you breaks with the kids. You need him to carry heavy things and help haul groceries in. You need him to cuddle you and hold you at night when it's been a rough day and you're just exhausted. And Nolan… he needs his daddy on a daily basis. He's old enough to be aware of the long stretches of time he's not home, but not old enough to understand them. Their connection is precious. And Matt… deserves to be around his family. To be the husband and father he wants to be.

    I know you're stressed out right now and scared and tired of scraping by. But it WILL get better. You guys may not be able to get ahead until you're done with school and start working too… but your children are going to have a father that is PRESENT and forming life-long bonds with them. And you're going to have a husband that is PRESENT to meet your needs, too.

    There are so many hard choices in life to make. By your late twenties/early thirties, financial excess starts happening and you can start saving for all of those things. I think you just have to push it aside and quit trying to have it all RIGHT NOW. This is a season in life where you have to dig in the couch for coins and choose which bills are getting paid and so on. But you guys are already a step up from most others because you're out of debt and you have more LOVE in your life than so many others.

    I know I'm babbling… but I hope it's making some kind of sense. Just… take a few deep breaths and KNOW in your heart of hearts that this too shall pass. Life is on a big cycle and there are different seasons at different times… but eventually, the other one comes around.

    I know you and Matt will make the right decision for your family. I hope that you truly listen to what he's telling you though. It sounds like he's asking you to have faith in him… And have confidence in him that he will provide for you guys… no matter how scary or tight it may get at times. And remember that there's so much more to “providing” than just financially. A 10 day stretch may seem like a lot of time, but it's really not… and Matt needs you guys just as much as you guys need him!

    Love to all!

  2. Okay.

    There is no possible way you could ever look as ugly as Farrah when she cries. You are beautiful and she is a fugly bitch.

    Now that we've gotten that out of the way…I completely understand where you are right now…as I've told you before. It's really tough and if you need to cry or do whatever it is you need to in order to vent…you should. This right here is the right thing to be doing. Keeping it all in will just result in a meltdown much “uglier” than today's. I'm confident you guys have a break coming your way. If it happened for us, I KNOW it'll happen for you guys.

    I suppose the best thing I can say to you is that I'm here for you and just keeping swimming…

    You guys are a wonderful family who can handle anything.

  3. I laughed at this post. I laughed every time she cried on that show and I can mock that face perfectly. :X

    You guys will work out just fine! I hope it happens soon for you! 😀

  4. Hope u are feeling better, I know that feeling of being stuck. Hope something turns up soon

  5. Renee says:

    Oh it just really sucks BIG sometimes huh!! May i ask why his working full time where you are or South wouldn't be much use?? I agree with Danielle-Marie though, if you need to have a cry and a bitch to a friend/sister then do it, cause those are the things that help us stay sane!! Il be praying for yas and the Perfect solution!! Remember your not alone!!

  6. jessi ♥ says:

    @Amber: You're right, and that's exactly why I laid off him. :0) but still, arguing all week + other random bull that was/is occurring in my world equaled out to a massive meltdown haha! As per usual everything you said makes perfect sense, how did you get to be so smart and seasoned? lol!

    @Danielle-Marie: Haha, you should have SEEN it! Matt also thinks I'm way hotter than Farrah buuut…my ugly cry isn't so hot haha. Thanks love <3

    @Rj and Jessie: SO DID I lol! Karma, I think, that because I laughed so much my ugly cry can out ugly cry hers ;0) and thanks!

    @jessicaclarke: Thanks love!! I hope so too.

    @Renee: Finding a welder/fitter job ANYWHERE is difficult when you're a newbie without tons of experience but we want/need to move back down south because that's where the majority (ok, ALL) of our family support system is. I'm going to be needing several surgeries in the near future and we need to be closer to help for that. Matt and I both would benefit from having more hands on deck. Thanks! It's definitely good to know I'm not alone. :0)

  7. The ugly cry is hilarious! I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. It's so hard being broke and having kids, I know because we're in the same boat. And I understand your frustration, because you want to be able to DO something about it, but it doesn't seem possible. On your end, you could try to think of ways to work from home. Maybe try to get some freelance blogging work? It's out there!

  8. H and M B says:

    I completely understand what you're going through right now and I'm here to tell you sometimes life just needs an ugly cry uglier than Farrah's. LOL. My husband actually became unemployed two months ago out of the blue, it has been soul shattering to see our financial future become so shaky. He does temp work but that is so close to not having a job at all. So I understand. But I try to think of it as starting over, maybe doing things better this time (like actually saving money for hard times) and a chance to see things differently and maybe move. I know things will look up for you and with time.

  9. jessi ♥ says:

    @Old School/New School Mom: Haha, it really is! And I'd love to do freelance blogging work but I have no idea how to go about that.

    @H and M B: Oh no, that's horrible hun :0( I try to think that way too but it's hard to get ahead when you have to play catch up! Thank you, and I'm sure things will be looking up for you too!

  10. Rachel-Ann says:

    there are lots of drilling jobs out here in mb and sk. and there are always cheap housing for rent. lol plus you'd be closer to me. doesnt help with your family being closer but drillers take home in a month is roughly $5000.00

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