If I could stand to stand…

The children are sleeping…
at the moment, anyway.
So I am downstairs, enjoying the peace and quiet, enjoying my morning tea and a little bit of the blogosphere before I have to begin my day.
Today will consist of cleaning, it must. Yesterday was supposed to be a cleaning day, but I got lazy…I got sucked into the awesomeness that is the world Suzanne Collins created. I finished Girl on Fire and started Mockingjay, but I need to slow it down just a little because I’m really enjoying these books and don’t want to finish the last one too quickly.
And, if I’m being honest…my house needs my attention. Quite possibly more than my children do! If I let things slide any more, I won’t be able to find them in the mess.
{Not even an exaggeration, sad huh?}.
But right now, in this moment, I’m enjoying my tea and blogging guilt free.
Yesterday, Archer fought me tooth and nail on nursing on my right side. His initial early AM feeding was indeed on the right side upstairs in the dark of the bedroom, in our rocking chair. I thought that we were good to go on that side, but as soon as we were downstairs, he refused it. All day long. I pumped three or four more times during the day while he strictly nursed off the left side. But at 11pm, when I took him upstairs to go to bed, I tried one more time. He accepted Olde Rightie and went to bed. When he woke up for a feeding around 6am, I offered him my right side again {since it seems to produce more and is therefore fuller and needs attention more haha} and he took it again.
I’m hoping this means he’s done with the boob refusal, but all the times he’s accepted the right side without complaint have been while we’re upstairs, in the dark, in the rocking chair and also when he’s all but sleeping. So, we’ll see. Regardless, he’s not on a full out nursing strike so for that I am thankful.
I’m also thankful for my husband, and how awesome he is with the boys. I took some cute photos of Matt and Nolan yesterday, after Matt had changed Nolan’s diaper and was pretending to sleep on him. Nolan loves when Matt uses him as a pillow, it’s adorable. Don’t believe me, have a look-see:

Yesterday was such a lazy day, I didn’t even take Nolan outside! He was content playing with all his new toys though, because every time I asked him he looked at me and said “IT’S COLD MOMMY!” and continued playing so…I didn’t push it. 
I should have though, fresh air probably would have motivated me a little.
I’m still tossing the idea of becoming a real estate agent around in my head.
I want to do something, and fast…but if it’s going to be as expensive as one year in school, or even two years…I sort of would rather do that. I really want to go for General Office Administration. It’s a one year problem and I’d be qualified to work anywhere as a receptionist {local businesses, government offices, hair salons, etc etc} and I could do that while I figure out exactly what it is that I want to do {medical, business? Something else entirely?}.
Regardless, I feel totally “behind”.
Everyone I know has a career, has a job. Everyone I know has been to college and could go back to work in a field when they wanted to/if they needed to.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mama, I really do, but it does terrify me that I’m not set up to financially take care of myself and the kids should anything happen to Matt. I mean, I have disability, yes, so we’d be fed and clothed and have a roof over our heads. But I would rather put food on the table by working. Right now, I can’t physically do anything I’m “qualified” to do. And I worry about my resume, about how it has so many damn holes in it from not working due to me never being able to work a regular stand up job.
The worst part is I’m going to keep trying, probably. I will keep putting myself through hell in order to try working the jobs I’m “qualified” to work. Lately, I’ve been longing to get a job at Rogers selling phones. Why? Because I want that discount on services, because I’m cheap! haha. I also think I would be good at selling phones, since I freakin’ love gadgets and fancy phones and if I had tons of money I’d have a different phone for every day of the week. Kim works there, and she makes it look so easy…the only troubling part, for me, is the whole standing for long lengths of time. 
Any job I have attempted to work before that required me to stand longer than 5 minutes was so hard on my body. How can standing be so difficult? It’s so frustrating. Something as simple as standing shouldn’t be an issue in my mind, but it is. When I worked at the diner, I spent too much time half ass parenting from the couch, needing to lay down after a mere 3 hour shift. I loved going to work though, whenever I make money, I don’t feel like such a leech on society, you know? 
And I’m not saying I am a leech on society, or that anyone else on income support is. We do what we have to do to get by. I personally just feel this way. Probably because my dad instilled a really amazing work ethic in us and because I can’t work like he can, or like my two older sisters can, I feel like a leech, even though my family has never made me feel that way at all.
My issues with this also go along with the fact that me being on disability hinders us. We can only ever make a set amount of income each month, so even if Matt worked extra shifts, we would get docked. Saving is so difficult. We have maybe 50 bucks extra that we just stare at pathetically. Then it goes somewhere fast, either to groceries, gas, or diapers. 
If I could stand to stand, things would be different. I could work a part time, weekend job and save every single paycheck
I could, I would, feel a lot better about myself.
I have looked into “home businesses” before, like those “from home call center” things. They would be acceptable if I wasn’t always on the clock for parenting. It’s never truly quiet around here.
I’d also do a home daycare, but it’s seriously competitive around here and you have to be licensed and have insurance. Plus our rental company doesn’t allow daycare businesses due to “liability issues”.
I don’t know why I’m stressing about this, ruining my nice quiet morning with these thoughts. I can’t exactly go out and get a job right now anyway. Matt is heading back to work, hopefully within the next week or so, and we definitely can’t afford a sitter. 
But, that being said, I think I needed to blog about this, to get it off my mind and chest.
This stuff has been eating away at me for a while, and it’s time I recognized it.
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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in concerns, conflicted, day to day stuff, me, my life, rambling, thoughts. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to If I could stand to stand…

  1. dramaticmama says:

    I wish I had advice. There is a job out there for you though. 🙂

    Also? Those pics of Matt and Nolan…CUTE! And his tattoo's? HOT! lmao. 😛

  2. Aww, cute pics! And cool tattoo. Hey, have you thought of an at home business? Make some sort of crafts, clothes, or accessories and sell them on Etsy or something? And you know, if not, I think us SAHMs are doing the most important thing of all, raising our next generation! It's hard living on one income but it's not forever… The kids will go off to school eventually.

  3. Great pics! I'm so conflicted about being a SAHM or a working mother too. It's confusing. But for you, I mean Archer is only 2 months old…take your time hun. Being a real estate agent will have you busy busy busy, on your feet a lot. I mean, the real estate agent we worked with was CONSTANTLY on the go. He drove a Caddy and wore expensive suits but I had to wonder how much family time he had left over at the end of the day. Not much because he told us that he turns his phone on at 8am and off as 12am! HOLY SMOKES! I am considering joining the reserves. I know it sounds crazy but you get the pension, work three days a week, you can pick whatever base you want, and they'll pay for me to become a dental hygienist. The only thing I'm terrified of is being away in St-Jean for 12 weeks for basic training and then spending even more time away in Borden training to be a dental hygienist. Ugh. So confusing. Sorry, I rambled.

  4. jessi ♥ says:

    @dramaticmama: there are tons of sit down/less physically demanding jobs than what I qualify for now, BUT I need education and experience first >.< and yeah, Matt has sexy tattoos everywhere haha! I wish he'd let me take a picture of his pelvic one bahhaha. @Camille Griffiths: thank you! And yeah, he's got hawt tattoos bahah! I have thought of home businesses BUT I'm really not crafty, like at all. I'm going to start trying tutorials and stuff, but generally the people giving tutorials sell the same things and do a WAY better job than I do. I do know my job is very important, I just wish we could get paid for it ONLY so we could afford to live more comfortably, you know? @Danielle-Marie: That sounds like a fantastic idea, actually. I would be terrified of being away from home too, but the good outweighs the bad in that instant, doesn't it? Maybe wait until the kiddos are in school? And no worries about rambling. As for the real estate thing, the good thing about it is you can pick and choose your hours and how much you put in to it. For instance, he was probably the primary breadwinner, no? I would just work part time to bring in an extra 1000 or so each month.

  5. You'll find the perfect job for you. Don't feel bad about it, it's not like you refuse to work and just wanna get benefits, (I know people that do, it's irritating).

    LOVE the pictures, the one of Nolan looking right at the camera is adorable! Matt's tat's are AWESOME!

    Keep your chin up, it'll all work out. Have a GREAT New Year.

  6. jessi ♥ says:

    @Beautiful Mess: Thanks Jess, that means a lot! I'm always afraid people will think that of me when they find out I'm on disability. Such a bummer to have on the back of your mind ALL the time! And thank you :0) I love the pictures too, and Matt's tattoos ahha! Happy New Year!

  7. I know what you mean, I'm not very crafty either! I do think we should be paid for being SAHMs, we are raising the future here! At least for 2 years for each child or something.

  8. jessi ♥ says:

    @Camille Griffiths: We should! Or we should both just start making ugly shit lol! Just kidding ;0) Don't women in like, Britain get paid to have babies or something?? Or they get like a free housekeeper? I heard that somewhere ahha.

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