Am I a Glutton for Punishment?

I vowed I was done. I vowed I wouldn’t try to contact her anymore, wouldn’t try to make her come to her senses and realize all the incredible things she’s missing out on.
But…I caved. 
I got to thinking about how it’s unfair that she doesn’t know about her fourth grandchild. I guess I forgot that she doesn’t care…
Or at least, it doesn’t seem like she does.
She never asked me how I was doing the entire 9 months I was pregnant. She never congratulated me, never asked about the pregnancy, never acknowledged it in any way shape or form…just like she didn’t acknowledge Dalya’s birth.

So…why did I feel the need to email her? To tell her about Archer?
Am I seriously that screwed up that I willingly open myself up for major disappointment and let down? Am I that needy and insecure?
In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m trying to win back the affection of an ex-boyfriend or something. The awkward, begging emails…the why’s and please’s…the don’t you want to be a part of our lives?!? PLEASE?!? WHY NOT?!?

I keep checking my email obsessively, and I don’t know what I’m more afraid of…a negative response, or worse..silence.

I am angry at myself for caving, for emailing her…for reaching out yet again when I will probably, undoubtedly get a cold bitch slap in response {even if the “response” is silence}.
She still hasn’t replied, but it’s only been a few hours…
And I know, I set myself up for this…but still.
It won’t make it hurt any less.
I think one of the hardest parts is that my own mother is missing out on my kids lives.
{Although, like I’ve said before…that’s probably for the best…}

I called the local Canadian Mental Health Association, to ask about free therapists in the area.
I was given a number…a number that I haven’t called because my depression sort of went away. Sort of. It comes and it goes, some days I’m perfectly fine and totally happy. Other days I can’t seem to deal with anything.
Today is an in between day. It’s been great, until I got to thinking about her and then got the stupid idea to email.
Yeah, I’m an idiot.
I will be calling them tomorrow…
I think.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in depression, family, issues, pain, struggles. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Am I a Glutton for Punishment?

  1. dramaticmama says:

    Okay. Jess, as much as I don't want to say this because I am incredibly angered with your mother's actions towards you and your sisters, she is still your mom. Until you find peace, talk to someone or you get get full closure for yourself, you will always want to email her, talk to her, get answers etc. 😦 She is still your mother, and although things are tough, and she is ignoring or giving shit replies, you will always love what you guys DID have, the closeness you felt years ago, and you may be mad towards her, but I know you…you don't give up on people, especially family, you will always love her.

    As for the depression your speaking of, that sounds all too familiar. Some days are just so freaking hard for me as well, I may not always have my phone on me, but you can ALWAYS call me, because no matter how I am personally feeling, I care a lot about you, and although I am not going through what you are, in terms of your mom, I do know how it feels to be isolated, alone, with like no friends, except online, and I definitely can relate to what your saying about the depression moods. <33 xoxoxo. your never alone, just know that. 🙂

  2. Liz says:

    You're not a glutton for punishment, and you didn't set yourself up for anything. After all of her actions, she is still your mother. It's only natural for you to want to have contact with her. That's not an easy relationship to severe. I hate that she's hurt you so much and that you feel like you're setting yourself up to be hurt.

    I hope you call the number. I really think it would help. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling, but I really think a good therapist can help you work through those feelings. I know I'm a whole country away but I really care about you. I'm an email away if you need to vent.

    *hugs*

  3. jess ♥ says:

    @dramaticmama: I don't think I will ever have closure. What is closure in something like this? Even if she outright said “I don't want to be a mom, I'm done with that shit” there would still be whys. But you're right, she is still my mom which is why I have a hard time truly letting everything go for good. Thanks, I'll call next time before I do something stupid {like email her}.

    @Liz: Thanks Liz, you're right…a good therapist can help work through feelings. I'll also remember that you're an email away 🙂

  4. Vicky says:

    I agree with the other 2 post and a therapist/counselor would definitely help you work through your feelings.

  5. I don't think you're an idiot, it's natural that you want a relationship with your mom. She's the one who is missing out. But it's great that you are seeking therapy!

  6. Liz says:

    You're welcome, doll.

    (As an aside, Google refuses to show my profile pic, so in case you're wonder who the F this is, it's @elizabethbarone. Stupid Google.)

  7. Jess, you have a big heart. And that most certainly does not make you an idiot. For you to feel rejected by your own mother… it's one of the biggest blows a person could face. I hope you do make that phone call so you can speak to a professional about how you're feeling. The strongest person in the world would find this hard to deal with. xoxo.

  8. jess ♥ says:

    @Vicky: It's true, the difficult part seems to be FINDING one.

    @Old School/New School Mom: Still stings! 😦

    @Liz: I knew 😉 there's only one Liz to me haha!

    @Danielle-Marie: Thanks hun. xoxo

  9. Yeah, I hear you. I can't imagine how painful that must be. I have the same thing with another family member. XOXO

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