Another Confession…

I have another confession to make…
In recent times, I haven’t been that great of a wife.
I’ve been selfish. I’ve been irritable and closed off. And I know, it’s probably because of all the mama drama in my life for the past year…but it’s still no excuse.
I’ve been expecting Matt to carry the weight of, well, everything and do so without flinching.
In addition, I was driving us both crazy with worrying and stressing about The Big Bad Financial Future. I was been drawing up pointless budgets, freaking out every other day about stupid money related shit, and letting it cause a lot of problems, especially when my pointless budgets didn’t work out.
Instead of being happy and thankful for what we have {healthy kids, each other, a roof over our head, food in our bellies, etc etc} I’ve been angry about not having things we don’t have.
Our own house. New furniture. Money to go shopping for clothes and things we don’t need.
 
 
I’d also get angry at Matt, a lot, for the things he wasn’t doing instead of focusing on the things he was doing. I was feeling like we constantly had to be doing something, anything, just moving and Matt is more laid back than I am. He is content just hanging out at home, building towers and playing cars with Nolan.
I was all “OMG WE SHOULD DO STUFF MORE, GO FOR WALKS, GO TO THE PARK, DO STUFF! DO ANYTHING!” and then I’d get super mad about it.
Basically: I needed a bitch slap of reality and to take a mega chill pill.
Which I’ve been doing, lately. I’ve been trying my hardest to let go of all my worries and stresses, to put them in a little box in the back of my mind to handle at a later time when I can’t find solutions for them. There’s no sense in driving yourself crazy worrying about things you can’t do anything about in that moment, am I right?
Sure, I still worry {often}, but I’m better able to put away those feelings until later. I’m finding myself relaxing more, enjoying time with my family instead of stressing. 
And most importantly: I’m realizing that getting pissed at Matt all the time for “not worrying enough” isn’t right, or fair. He does worry, a lot, but he just doesn’t want to spend all of his time worrying about things when he could be enjoying time with his family. He’s obviously smarter than I am, and I’m doing my best to follow suite.
I’m thinking before reacting, instead of flying off the handle when something happens in a way that I didn’t plan for. Seriously, I was…and sort of still am…horrible for that.
And because I’m doing all those things, I’m able to relax more into Matt’s hugs. Which, for a long while, I wasn’t able to do. My nerves were too tightly wound, I was too tense. 
I was too busy, didn’t have time to sit down and cuddle and let him hold me – although he tried. I didn’t realize I was shutting him down so much. Dishes can wait, after all. They won’t go anywhere.
Now I’m making time to hold him, and to be held by him. 
It’s not just about getting through each day anymore, it’s about enjoying each day.
I still need to show my appreciation more, because every deserves to hear they are appreciated {especially when I’ve sucked at expressing that}. 
I still need to make even more time for the two of us, and open myself up again. I hadn’t realized that I had built walls after the whole parental drama thing, but I had. Why? Because I’m an idiot. 
 
Last night we spent an hour just cuddling in bed, kissing and talking and laughing. It was exactly what I needed, even if my brain is feeling slow and tired this morning.
So, yeah. Got any confessions this fine Tuesday morning? 

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in confessions, love, marriage. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Another Confession…

  1. As women we are the worriers. I have also done the things you were doing and still sometimes do. You do need to just take a step back and take in all the good things you have. and breath. Hugs hope things get better.

  2. I've been doing the same thing lately. I was already a little stressed, but ever since Mike's appendectomy, the power outage, and his recovery, I've been more stressed and just kept shoving it down further and further… until I exploded at him the other day. Now all of my other worries are back tenfold, and I can't relax. He asks for snuggles and hugs and I just can't, because in my mind, I need to do X, Y, and Z first. I feel guilty almost all the time, but don't want to make him feel bad that I'm so stressed… yet I think I'm doing it anyway, inadvertently.

    Sigh.

    What Nikki said is true; we worry much more than men. I wish I could shut that worry switch off like men can. It's not fair, I tell you.

    Sorry. I didn't mean to rant all over here. I just want you to know you are so not alone. *hugs* I'm here for you if you need me.

  3. Ryan and I went through this same thing right after Hannah was born. I have to say I'm still the “WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TYPE” while Ryan is more laid back like Matt. But that's just a personality type. Women tend to be the worriers. All I can really say is that what you guys are going through is pretty common. You'll get through it. Don't be so hard on yourself either. It's good to acknowledge when you've been wrong but you're also doing a great job and it's important to give yourself that credit too. ❤

  4. jess ♥ says:

    @Nikki Darlin': Thanks love!!!

    @Liz: Rant away 😉 and thanks!!! It's good to not feel alone in it ahha!

    @Danielle-Marie: I'm still that type too, although I'm trying to settle it a bit! And thank you, I will also try to give myself more credit 😉

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