A Tough Pill to Swallow

I have a confession to make….
I need to admit something, to face it in every aspect of my life. 
I don’t really know where to begin, how to explain, so this post will probably be all over the place, and I’m sorry for the verbal explosion.
Things have been really hard for me the past year, I’ve been more destroyed about things than I thought I was. 
Things being…that whole situation with my mom.
I thought I was okay with it, or at least…as okay as a person can get. I thought that it wasn’t affecting me, but…
It is. It’s actually pretty much destroyed me. I’ve been walking around with a smile on my face, in denial about my feelings about everything but it’s affecting me and everything in and about my life. 
Mainly, and most importantly…my relationship with my husband. 
All my anger, despair and heartbreak about my mom pours over into my relationship with him. I take things out on him, I’m grouchy and closed off. I snap at him for stupid things, and I get super pissed about insignificant things that shouldn’t make anyone mad. 
 Matt has been carrying a lot of shit for me for the past year. He’s been shouldering a lot of it, and it’s affecting him because he feels as if he can’t do anything to make me happy. I’m always upset or pissed off about something. It destroys a person to see the love of their life so depressed all the time, and I feel…horrible. I didn’t realize how I was acting. I blamed my anger outbursts and irritable attitude on pregnancy and hormones, and maybe it is…but a lot of it has to do with the mom thing.
I don’t know how to turn it off. Some days, I’m totally 100% fine and happy and I don’t pick fights or cry for no reason. Other days…not so much. I’ve been having a lot of “other days” lately, and I think it’s because she should be here during this time. She should want to be here. 
I guess it’s so incredibly hard because, for all her faults, she was a good mom – or at least, the best mom she could be. She was there throughout my childhood. She raised us, and maybe shit got a little messed up in our teen years but my childhood was pretty damn good. She hugged us, she kissed us, she told us she loved us…she parented us, maybe not “perfectly”, but she did. 
So to have her decide that her new life was better off without us kids, well…that rips and cuts and twists my heart up in ways I can’t explain. 
If she had been the kind of mother who wasn’t ever there, this would be easier. But she was there. She held my hair while I threw up after surgeries, and she slept on the horribly uncomfortable couches at Sick Kids so that I wouldn’t wake up scared and alone when I was a kid. She made sure all of my teachers understood about my disorder and made sure that they would help me catch up on missed work due to surgeries and bad pain days. She held me while I cried about boys teasing me in the school yard. She rushed to my side after my first major break-up, even though I was at my apartment 45 minutes away, after she had already driven out there to drop me off hours before, and took me out for dinner and tried to cheer me up. 
She wasn’t perfect, she’s never been perfect, but she was my mom. And it hurts that she resents us for “loosing herself” to being a wife and parent. It hurts that she’s cut us out of our life as if we weren’t her flesh and blood, as if she hadn’t carried us each for 9 months and birthed us. 
I have a hard time talking about it because I feel like I should, somehow, be over it. I feel like I should somehow not let it affect me. But…I clearly don’t know how, because even when I think I’m fine with everything, I’m not. Because I’m angry. I’m hurt.
And I don’t know how to fix it, how to fix me. I don’t have closure. I will never have closure because I can never understand why a mother would decide to cut her children out of her life. I will never understand why a mother would choose some guy she met online over the children she raised.
Because it’s been affecting me more than I thought it was, I’m going to look into seeing a counselor. I’m having a hard time learning how to cope with this and deal with it on my own, and maybe a counselor would help. I’m also going to talk to Matt more about what I’m feeling, instead of just blowing up at him because he “doesn’t get it”…the poor man can’t read my mind, and it’s unfair to demand that of him.
I’d also like to thank Blaine for listening to me the past few days. You made me feel less crazy!!!
I’m glad I wrote about this, I feel a lot better. A lot less…weighed down by it. 
Now that I’ve written about it, I feel like I can let go of it for the rest of the weekend, and enjoy it with my family.
My dad is on his way up for a short visit, and although I wish he was staying longer than just the afternoon…I can’t wait to see him and spend some time with him. I miss him, a lot
We also have a pumpkin to carve, and the outside of our house to decorate for Halloween. 
So don’t worry, I won’t be sitting in a corner crying. I’ll be busy. I just needed to let this out.

About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in depression, emotional, frustrations, I don't really know, imperfections, rambling, rants, the blah blah blah. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to A Tough Pill to Swallow

  1. Heather says:

    I think talking to a counselor is a good idea. We all deal with things differently and you just may need to find out how you deal with things.

    When my Dad pretty much did the same thing, I think I got over it so fast because I didn't really care. I can tell you care though and you want her in your life and hopefully a counselor will help you through that hurt. (hugs)

  2. I agree with Heather. We all need an outlet, and a professional counselor is better equipped than Matt to help you navigate this pain. I'm very proud of you for opening up, for getting help when you need it – thankfully you chose this path instead of holding it all in. You are not alone Jess. You are never, ever alone. I love you.

  3. Avitable says:

    Oh Jess, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. Writing about it is good, seeing a counselor is better, and being open and honest with Matt about it is the best.

    You have always impressed me with your strength and drive, and I know that you'll be able to do this. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, and you are moving towards it. Love you.

  4. Aww Jess. I'm sorry. I wish there was something more I could do. But I am happy to listen any time you need to. You know, sometimes I blow up on Ryan all day long and at the end of the day I think “Jesus, what's WRONG with me.” You at least have something really bothering you and I'm sure Matt understands that. I think going to counseling is a great idea. If you are feeling relieved just from writing this blog post, I imagine seeing somebody on a regular basis would really help you (and your relationship with your husband). I can't understand either why your mother made the decisions that she did. I guess maybe she's still hurt over losing your father and being around you kids reminds her of him? It's not an excuse at all, she really should be there for you, ESPECIALLY right now. Somewhere deep down inside she must know that she's really wrong. I hope she figures it out before it's too late.

  5. iamtheanykey says:

    I'm more than happy to have been there for you, and the offer permanently stands if you want to call, anytime. Or text/Skype/twitter/whatever is easiest. 🙂

    One of my exes had his Dad do the same thing, though he was a lot younger, and I think it's a little different for men, but still. It's not easy, and it's a hurt you will probably carry for the rest of your life – a counsellor can help prepare you for that, too.

    Once you figure out how you can better deal with this, it will probably be easier. You will still have bad days, but maybe less, and maybe your beautiful family could cheer you up more on some of them.

    <3 Sending a million hugs for you. <3

  6. My relationship with my mother is complicated, uneasy and most days, down right heart breaking. I've done what I could to not bring these issues into my marriage and my parenting, but there are times when I fail miserably. It's tough. A mother-daughter relationship is a powerful thing, and no less powerful even when one party isn't actively involved in the relationship any longer.

    I wish your heart peace and I'm sorry you are dealing with this Jess. But I have every faith that you will conquer these demons and find your peace because you have a strength so few do. Just hang tight, talk to that counsellor and know that you aren't alone. You've got an invisible cheering squad behind you everywhere you go.

    Love to you.

  7. Sometimes just being able to admit that you are wrecked by emotional turmoil out of your control is the best thing you can do.

    And you've done it.

    And the next step that you're planning to take as far as talking to someone, is one of the very best things you can do for yourself.

    I have walked the path you are on, it hurts so bad. But when you come out the other side? Love is stronger, the sun brighter and your heart lighter. Best wishes to you darling.

  8. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Just know that no matter how your mother acts outwardly, somewhere in there she still loves you. She is just acting selfishly for whatever reason. I agree that going to talk it out in therapy would be the best. I'm doing that now, not about my mom but another family member. So much love to you!

  9. Megan says:

    I'm here because Karen shared this post. I don't know you, but I wanted to voice my support. Seeing a counselor is an excellent idea. You will never change your mother's behavior (that is up to her), but you can change the way you react to it. Talking to a neutral party will help tremendously. Good luck and hang in there – things will change. They always do.

  10. tierney says:

    I'm so sorry for the pain you're dealing with. I just wanted to make a quick comment and back you up on the idea that I think seeing a counsellor would help you in the best way possible. I've seen one for other reasons and it helps to put things in perspective and cope with issues in a way you may not have considered. I think it makes you a stronger person for realizing you may need an unbiased support system. When I saw my counsellor, it allowed me one hour per week or every two weeks to vent about my frustrations and learn to cope with them so that I could feel more positive, free and light throughout the rest of my week. I hope this works for you. Best of luck always.

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