They say, time heals everything…but I’m still waiting.
I’ve exchanged a couple of heated emails with my mother
. Yesterday, I sent her a two liner…asking her to call me, telling her that my number hadn’t changed.
I don’t know why I bothered, I’ve reached out in the past and been met with rejection and silence. I guess I can blame pregnancy hormones or something. I was picturing her, missing out on everything that she’s missed out on recently. Nolan’s 2nd birthday, Dalya’s birth, Kate’s engagement, my pregnancy and the soon to be birth of my 2nd child, Kate’s upcoming wedding and everything in between.
I had a nightmare, you see, that one day one of us would have to reach out to her and inform her of a horrible event happening. I didn’t want her to miss out on all the good things, and then regret it one day.
But she responded with a bunch of hatred and resentment about us “choosing sides” with Dad. She told me I could give with my choices, that I have my father and that’s all I’ll get.
It stings more than anything that she can’t pull her own head out of her ass to realize just how unfair she’s being. This was never our fight, there should never have been sides to take and she’s the only one asking us to take sides. Why can’t we have both parents? I would never make my babies choose either or. They will ALWAYS have both Matt and I. Neither of us would ever cause harm to our children.
She told me I have to live with my choices…and guess what? That’s not going to be hard to do. I chose family. I still choose family. She chose resentment and anger, she chose to barricade herself in a world of pain and blame the failing of her marriage for it. She chose to shrug out of her mom role because “we have dad”.
It’s not going to be me years from now regretting any decisions I’ve made.
So, I’m done. I think I can honestly say that now. I won’t be emailing her anymore, she won’t change…the time for change has come and gone. It’s not my responsibility to try and get her to “change her ways” anymore.
Of course, it still bothers me that I can’t reach out for her guidance, but I’m realizing that I don’t want it. She’s not the kind of mother I’d ever want to be. It really sucks to say that, but it’s true. It will always sting when I look at those mother/daughter relationships that are how mother/daughter relationships should be…but I need to accept the fact that I won’t have that.
I’m starting to, and although it hurts…I feel relieved.