Living with my Choices

They say, time heals everything…but I’m still waiting.
I’ve exchanged a couple of heated emails with my mother. Yesterday, I sent her a two liner…asking her to call me, telling her that my number hadn’t changed. 
I don’t know why I bothered, I’ve reached out in the past and been met with rejection and silence. I guess I can blame pregnancy hormones or something. I was picturing her, missing out on everything that she’s missed out on recently. Nolan’s 2nd birthday, Dalya’s birth, Kate’s engagement, my pregnancy and the soon to be birth of my 2nd child, Kate’s upcoming wedding and everything in between.
I had a nightmare, you see, that one day one of us would have to reach out to her and inform her of a horrible event happening. I didn’t want her to miss out on all the good things, and then regret it one day. 
But she responded with a bunch of hatred and resentment about us “choosing sides” with Dad. She told me I could give with my choices, that I have my father and that’s all I’ll get. 
It stings more than anything that she can’t pull her own head out of her ass to realize just how unfair she’s being. This was never our fight, there should never have been sides to take and she’s the only one asking us to take sides. Why can’t we have both parents? I would never make my babies choose either or. They will ALWAYS have both Matt and I. Neither of us would ever cause harm to our children.
She told me I have to live with my choices…and guess what? That’s not going to be hard to do. I chose family. I still choose family. She chose resentment and anger, she chose to barricade herself in a world of pain and blame the failing of her marriage for it. She chose to shrug out of her mom role because “we have dad”. 
It’s not going to be me years from now regretting any decisions I’ve made.

So, I’m done. I think I can honestly say that now. I won’t be emailing her anymore, she won’t change…the time for change has come and gone. It’s not my responsibility to try and get her to “change her ways” anymore.

Of course, it still bothers me that I can’t reach out for her guidance, but I’m realizing that I don’t want it. She’s not the kind of mother I’d ever want to be. It really sucks to say that, but it’s true. It will always sting when I look at those mother/daughter relationships that are how mother/daughter relationships should be…but I need to accept the fact that I won’t have that.
I’m starting to, and although it hurts…I feel relieved.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in decisions, family, hurt, pain, past regrets, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Living with my Choices

  1. Heather says:

    Like I've told you before, as soon as I cut my “dad” out of my life I felt so much better.

    You don't deserve toxic people in your life, even when they are parents.

    I'm glad you are moving on. It's a slow process, hugs!

  2. I wish I could take away your pain. All I can say, is at the end of the day, you can go to sleep knowing you have done all you can do.

    I truly hope that one day (sooner than later I hope), she will realize that she never should have put you in the position to “take sides.” I sympathize with her that her entire life changed dramatically overnight, but the blame and punishment should never lay with you kids, regardless that you're all adults.

    The sooner she takes accountability for her actions that led her to this, the better the rest of her life will be. Neither party is blameless in this. But you kids? Are blameless. You had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage and should not be left holding the bag of blame, anger and sadness.

    I hope the mother you know and love comes back, better than ever. But she has a lot of healing and growing to do first and it's impossible to do that if she isn't willing to let go of all the negative stuff first.

    xoxoxo

  3. jessi ♥ says:

    @Heather: Thanks. It IS a slow process!!

    @Karen Sugarpants: You're very right, of course, and that's what I tried to say in my emails to her. But she doesn't seem to get it…I hope you're right, but I'm not sure if she ever will heal and grow. I don't think she'll ever let go of that bag.

  4. Karen S in Oz says:

    I could never know what pain you are going through but dropping by to give you a *hug*
    You have done everything you can.

  5. I'm so sorry Jess.
    I love you <3
    You know you can always Ping me if you ever need anything. 😉

  6. Wow, I'm really sorry your mother is so unreasonable…but I'm glad you did get some closure out of this. She'll have nobody but herself to blame for everything she has missed.

  7. jessi ♥ says:

    @Karen S in Oz: Thank you!

    @Cristy Muranda: Thanks love!

    @Danielle-Marie: You're right, and thanks!

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