The tired & the sads

I have had a horrible case of the tired as of late. Even after sleeping around 9 hours each night, I wake up feeling drained and exhausted, counting down the hours until nap time, and then after nap time…I spend the rest of the afternoon still exhausted and counting down the hours until bedtime.
It’s not fair, and I hate that I’m subconsciously doing it. I hate that I have literally no energy for anything fun and exciting. I hate that I’m counting down until I get to sleep yet. This pregnancy, while great, has been horrible on my body and my energy levels, and Nolan is the only one who suffers.
We haven’t walked down to our little oasis of a park in so long. The last time we did the trek, I was exhausted after the mere five minute walk and had to sit down on our picnic blanket for the entire time we were there, trying to regain my strength and energy to walk back home again. How sad is that? 
Matt is rarely home, and when he’s home he’s tired too. So most of our time is spent at home, playing with Mega blocks and other toys.
How boring. I remember hating that so much when I was a kid. 
But I don’t have a back yard that I can just let him loose in. Every time we play out front, I feel disgusted and dirty. Garbage everywhere, cigarette butts everywhere…it’s disgusting.
I’m not enjoying living here, I feel really selfish saying that because we do have a lot of indoor space and it is affordable…but the outdoor life and the neighbors is just bringing the quality of life way down. No matter how many times I pick up the garbage and cigarette butts, the very next day there are more. More disgusting, unclean things. I’ve given up going out front to play because I generally end up breaking down in tears.
Which is generally why we walk down to that little park. It’s clean, there’s no one there, and I can let Nolan run free without worrying about him grabbing something gross and unsafe.
But, I have no energy for the walk and to play with him.
I truly wish we had a backyard that wasn’t absolutely filthy, that we weren’t surrounded by people who clearly don’t respect others.
I’ve been looking on Kijiji for rentals down south…day dreaming.
sigh.
Today, I am going to try my hardest to go anyway. I am just so tired of spending each day inside. Yes, it’s hot. Yes, I’m incredibly exhausted. But Nolan doesn’t understand any of this. I feel like a horrible parent when we don’t get outside every day, but I can’t stand our front and back yard.
If it weren’t so complicated moving while 7 months pregnant, I would do it. If we had more time to get everything arranged, and make the jump, I would so do it in an instant.

Sorry about the complaints, everyone. Sometimes you just need to rant. I hate bothering Matt with this because he feels bad enough as is. I can tell he’s equally frustrated with the neighbors and the look of our outside though.
BUT; we both agree that it could be worse. At least the neighbors aren’t totally in your face and life, like our last neighbors. At least I don’t have to constantly redirect conversation away from religion.
{But I am kicking myself for moving so quickly. If we had sucked it up, then perhaps we could have moved back down south before the baby arrived. Two moves in one year is just ridiculous and completely unaffordable. BUT you can’t change the past, right?!}

Thank you for listening to me whine! I’ll try and cut back on the whine and cheese around here 😉

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in complaining, exhaustion, pregnancy, rants, sad. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The tired & the sads

  1. It's okay to feel the way you do. I know how you feel, and I felt that way last year. I was pregnant, due in September, and it was SO hot. Landon and I pretty much only left the house to go to my parents' house to enjoy their central air because we couldn't even afford air conditioning last year. I felt guilty for it too but I was also utterly exhausted within 5 minutes of leaving the house. Nolan doesn't understand, you're right…but that also means he's just happy to be with mommy, to play with mommy. The heat isn't any good for him either so on the really hot days you're actually doing him a favour.

    I was soooo up Ryan's ass to move to a bigger apartment to make room for the new baby and here we are moving a year later. This next year will honestly fly by with the new baby. I know Hannah's first year has. And before you know it, you'll be looking for a place to call home down south. And you won't be as rushed to find a place so you'll pick something that'll be perfect for you and your boys.

    Try to be a little more forgiving of yourself. You're absolutely NOT a bad parent. Quite the opposite really 🙂

  2. jessi ♥ says:

    @Danielle-Marie: That's true, I suppose! And I WISH we knew someone with air conditioning. That air conditioner that Matt picked up is STILL sitting in my living room >.< a lot of good it does us right now!!! And thanks love ❤

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