making owl sounds & “look mommy! I daddy!”

 feeling baby brother kick…
 building more & more complex towers! my little architect.

listening to “Choo Choo” trains, & being all nonchalant!

 hanging out at the park!!!

Right now, NB smells like a mixture of wet dog and rotting fish. Which is NOT cool, especially when you’re sensitive to smells {ehem; PREGNANT}. I try to suck it up for Nolan {because, you know, being inside on beautiful days suck} but half the time I’m gagging my ass off and trying to breath through my mouth {it doesn’t hide the smell any more}. Not to mention, having shadflies attack you when you play out front is SO NOT COOL. Nolan? Loves the bugs. Me? Not so much, which is why we’ve been chilling in that super beautiful park! There is the odd shadfly, yes, but for the most part it’s shadfly free! Totally important. 

Matt is going to the family property this weekend for a guys’ weekend and I must say, I’m so jealous! I’d love to take Nolan camping, but the guys have called dibs and I am clearly not a guy 😉 
My SIL said that if I wanted to, I could go up with her on Saturday night…but I dunno. I don’t want to impose or anything? Besides, then I would be handling all toddler happenings whilst trailer camping by myself {sans Matt, because he will be at a different part of the property}…I don’t know if I’m ready for that! I’m kind of the person that needs to be overly prepared for trips. I write out lists, check em a million times, pack early, etc etc. In fact…I’ve just started preparing for our August camping trip, and there’s still a lot of camping supplies I need to get that we don’t have the extra mola for right now. So, I don’t think we’re going up. BUT…I predict we will be spending a lot of time at that little park! Picnicking and playing with bubbles etc. So, we won’t be bored, but I know we’ll both miss Matt a lot! {He really needs a weekend getaway though, the poor guy works SO HARD}.

Also, I had my OB appointment today. Everything’s good, baby is doing great and I got to hear his heartbeat {totally awesome}. But…when I asked my OB if I could pretty please get my tubes tied, he sorta laughed at me. Apparently, 22 is too young to know “you’re done”. 
Matt and I have had lengthy conversations about this…and we’re done. Sure, I’d totally embrace having a billion kids but I don’t think it’s wise with my bone disorder. Pregnancy is difficult on a regular person, it’s even more so for me. I want to be able to play with my kids, to chase them around and {somewhat} keep up with them. Pregnancy ages my body in ways that I can’t really explain…so, yeah. Also; I want to go to school and start a career within the next few years {when baby #2 is nearing the age of 2}. Two kids is more than enough for us, financially and all that jazz. My dad often reflects on our growing up days with sadness because he just felt like he didn’t get enough time with each of us {four girls}. He worked nonstop and when he came home, he just felt like he didn’t get to spend a lot of time with us all. He doesn’t regret any of us, just the fact that there wasn’t enough time. Now we’re all grown up and he feels like he missed everything 😦 I don’t want Matt to feel that way.

I truly do feel that our family is complete with this little guy on the way, I totally see us with two boys and utter happiness. We want to achieve any of our other goals {me finishing school, one day owning our own home, travelling, enriching the kids’ lives with new cultures and sights etc}.
But my OB doesn’t think I’m “old enough” to make the decision. {But I’m old enough to have babies and be married?!?} Obviously I know that I will probably experience baby fever, but that’s natural. That’s just how we’re hardwired, so we keep repopulating. Matt’s going to talk to his doctor about getting fixed, if they won’t fix me. I don’t want to be stuck popping BC pills and worrying about another unexpected pregnancy when we don’t technically have to {since we know we’re done}.
I still don’t know if I’m going to be having a c-section or a VBAC. I finally have my appointment in Hamilton on the 18th for extensive testing to see what kind of {if any} bleeding disorder/platelet disorder I have, so my OB is waiting to see what they say. Either way, it’s up to me. SUCH a heavy decision to make! Oh well, so long as baby arrives safely {IN OCTOBER, you hear that kidlet? Stay in that belly until AT LEAST October 10th. THANKS}.
Also…yesterday was kinda a rough day for me. I gave in and messaged her, said I was thinking of her and missed her etc. Her response was to block me on Facebook…and that stung. It’s not like I ranted and raved at her, I simply reached out and was met with a rejection that stung worse than I thought it would. I shouldn’t have messaged her. I should have known better. But a good friend of mine reached out and gave me some much needed advice; she’s right, I do need to mourn the loss of my mother. Because, she’s not there anymore. I need to stop pretending like it doesn’t bother me because it does. 
It bothers me that she is missing out on our lives, on her grand children growing up. I worry about her one day seriously regretting the time she’s wasting/wasted. But I can’t change her decisions. I’ve tried to reach out and been stung in turn, so I am done. I know…I’ve said that before, but it’s true. I’m just going to mourn the loss of my mother, and focus on all the strong relationships I do have with my family. I’m lucky to have an amazing father, amazing sisters and amazing grandparents. I know I will miss having a mother…and I will allow myself to cry when I need to. But, I’ll be okay. If one thing is certain, it’s that my kids will never go through what my sisters and I have. I will always be there for my children.
So, yeah. That’s the stuff that’s been happening lately. Some good, some boring, some not so good, and some blah.

About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in family, I don't really know, life as I know it, photos, rambling, updates. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Lately…

  1. Your doctor needs to listen to you! My mom convinced her doctor after me (2nd child, and she was done) that if he didn't tie her tubes, he was going to be raising any child she had after that. I don't understand why women have so much trouble with permanent sterilization when they are done. I've known since I was a kid that I didn't want children, but I couldn't get any doctor to do anything other than BC pills, and all of those I tried have bad side effects for me. (I'm in my 30s, by the way.) I can't imagine why women who have already have children can't do what they want with their bodies in this respect. I agree — how are you old enough to have and raise children (and make that decision) but not make the decision that you want to have no more children?

    In the end, my husband went in, talked to HIS doctor, and has a vasectomy with no problems. No “but maybe you'll want kids” other than the assurance that it was intended to be permanent and asking once if we were sure we didn't want kids. I don't understand why it's easier for guys, but it seems to be. And now with the Intra Vas Devices available (if it's available in your area), it's even easier. Barring that, there's always the newer things for women as well, such as Essure. (Iceland has a great system for this. Doctors are not legally allowed to tell people aged 25 and over that they cannot have sterilization procedures. They are required to ask three times if the patient is sure and to ensure that the patient knows it is meant to be permanent, and then they perform the procedure.)

    I'm so sorry about your mom and how she reacted to your reaching out. I definitely agree that you have suffered a great loss and need to take the time to mourn the relationship. It is almost as though she has passed away, since she has cut herself off from you so completely. Your dad sounds as though he's so grateful to have his children in his life, and I'm glad you have an uplifting relationship with him.

  2. Heather says:

    Sorry about your Mom 😦

    It does sting. I cut my father out of my life 6 years ago because of the way he was treating me. He caused me so much pain and I no longer needed it. It sucks to realize he won't see me get married or start a family but he is a toxic person and nobody need that in their life.

    I hope you can move forward without your mom. Build your own memories and enjoy your family.

  3. jessi ♥ says:

    @the viking or the celt: yeah, I think it's pretty ridiculous! After this baby is born, we will have two beautiful little boys. Why can't I just get fixed when I'm in there? LOL! I know we're done. I'm going to keep pestering him, if worst comes to worst Matt WILL get fixed but if I am having a c-section, why can't I? Seems extremely silly! I don't want to be on BC for the next 7 years, you know? I think it's pretty ridic that I have to argue my points so much. YES, I know its “permanent” …that's the point LOL! Ugh, doctors can seriously suck. You'd think they'd wanna clamp up most vajayjays so our population goes down a bit LOL!

    @Heather: Thanks hun ❤ she is a toxic person too, now anyways. She's become this horrible person that I really don't want in my life...but I still miss the person she was when I was little. Or at least, the person I remember. I know I will be able to move forward, my own little family is making it really easy. Even on the rough days when I miss that relationship {the fact that it's not there}, I'm still smiling and happy because I have that with my son {and I will with our newborn too}. ❤

  4. Amber says:

    Hey beautiful :). Your son gets more and more gorgeous with each passing day. It's crazy to see how much he's grown!

    I'm proud of you for getting started in the direction you need to go for healing in regard to your mother. It's a difficult journey, but there is peace waiting at the end. If you ever need to talk, you know how to get a hold of me :).

    As far as a VBAC goes? It is TOTALLY your decision obviously… but I just thought I'd let you know that doctors in the USA are going back to their original position of being against them. I was just reading about it for a Child Development class I took last semester. There's some seriously scary stuff that can happen – and a much higher risk for them – so more and more doctors are electing to *not* allow them. If you want, I can try to find the content in my eBook and email it to you.

    Ultimately though… you just have to go with what *feels* right to you and Matt. You know your body better than anyone else; don't make a decision just because you think it's what it is “convenient” for everyone else. You know your limits and your capabilities… and I'm confident you guys will do what you're comfortable with :).

    Big hugs!

  5. Christa says:

    Your family is GORGEOUS. Boo for dumb doctors i am in the same boat as far as stupid doctors go. BOOOO

  6. dramaticmama says:

    My 2 favorite pictures? Nolan in Matt's workboots, lol and him feeling your belly. I LOVE those pictures, and I hope to see them in both the babies & Nolan's room in frames!!! Too cute!!!

    As for your mom, I don't know what your going through, but you've done all you can. & if you ever need to cry to someone, yell, or vent, I am always there for you!<3

  7. jessi ♥ says:

    @Amber: Thanks so much! For the Nolan compliments, and the being there 🙂 and yeah, all the risks are scaring me, plus the unknown factors with having his bone disorder. Feel free to email me information, I'm also researching the pro side! I want to make an educated decision after all! But of course, I will do what my instincts tell me to. 🙂

    @Christa: Thanks!! Yeah, doctors can be ridic! I hope you have better luck!

    @Dramaticmama: Yeah, they are ridiculously cute and my favourites of the bunch {plus that heartmelting one of Nolan!}. And I know! You've proved that time and time again haha, sorry for pingcomplaining you haha!

  8. I can completely relate to wanting your tubes tied. I've had two very difficult pregnancies, Hannah's being the more difficult of the two. And I'm terrified a third would kill me, the baby, or both of us. My doctor also will have nothing to do with tying my tubes since I'm only 24 but a place in Peterborough will give Ryan a vasectomy. We decided to hold off until Hannah is closer to two years old. That way, it's gotten a lot easier to take care of the children and we know without a shout of a doubt that we're ready to be done. I can't see myself changing my mind. And anyways, the way I see it…we could always adopt if we decided we wanted another later on. I also like the idea of being young when both my children are ready to begin their own lives. I won't be an OLD grandma. I'll still have plenty of energy to travel and have fun with Ryan, my grown kids, and their own children. Sounds good to me!

    As for your c-section/VBAC decision that is a very personal choice. For myself, I was happy to have another c-section with Hannah because it was less risky than a VBAC and I knew what to expect.

    I'm so sorry your mother has treated you this way. I really can't imagine turning away my child like that. She's obviously not the same person she once was. At least you know you've tried. Comfort yourself in knowing you are the bigger person.

  9. jessi ♥ says:

    @Danielle-Marie: Yeah, I think I'll go with the c-section because I know what to expect. And as for more kids…nope, we're done! I have plenty of little nieces and nephews too 🙂 I wanna give my boys the best possible future and the expense of college in 18 years is gonna be ridiculous so, you know 😉 lol

  10. Dani says:

    1. That is total BS that your dr doesn't think you can make that decision about your own reproduction.

    2. you may want to have the procedure done on Matt anyway, it's far less invasive for guys and cheaper too.

  11. jessi ♥ says:

    @Dani: I KNOW RIGHT?!?? Too young to make that decision, but not to young to be a wife and mom?! WTF. And the only reason why I asked is because I'm going for a c-section, and I figured since they were already in there….why not?

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