Your Mother’s Guidance…

There is a commercial {I’m pretty sure it’s for Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo} that never fails to bring big, fat, sloppy emotional tears to my eyes…all because of one line in it. “Your doctor’s advice, your mother’s guidance.” 

Your mother’s guidance.

I always have a hard time admitting that the whole thing with my mom gets to me. I rarely talk about it, and I try to think about it even less. But I’m having one of those days, where I wish I had the kind of mother who could offer me guidance, who took the time to reach out and let me know that I’m cared for and loved. I’m having one of those days where I just can’t seem to comprehend why she “washed her hands of us”, her children. Yes yes, I know the “reasons” she gave. We didn’t support her new life, we didn’t like her new friends, we so easily forgave our dad for leaving her. Blah blah blah. But they aren’t, in my opinion, good reasons to “wash your hands” of your children. There’s never a good reason to wash your hands of your children. She didn’t like all my friends growing up, she didn’t agree with all my life choices {dropping out of college, getting pregnant, keeping the baby, moving out, getting engaged, etc etc} but that doesn’t mean shit. Not everyone is always going to agree with what you do, lest of all your family. So…I don’t get it.

Lately, I’ve been super worried about Nolan. So has Matt. There’s not anything wrong with him, of course, we’re just worrying about his future as he grows up with the same medical condition I have. We’re uneasy about how quickly his bumps are growing, and it would have been nice if she was around to offer reassurance, since she’s been through it all with me. But…she’s not. So…yeah. It sucks. I can’t call her up and ask her the best way to get an appointment quickly for our little boy. I don’t have her guidance. I don’t have her to lean on or go to when I have questions about this parenting gig, and in a way I was really counting on that, especially when I found out Nolan carries my MHE gene.

And I know she’s made plenty of mistakes recently with parenting {um, yeah}…and I guess it’s not that mom that I miss, but the one that we had growing up. Sometimes vacant, yes, but there are good memories there, when we were little. I just don’t think she could handle relationships with us when we became adult women. I don’t know. It’s just…stinging today, that I don’t have that mother/daughter relationship with her. In fact…I don’t have a relationship with her. And it’s not because I haven’t tried, I’ve tried to reach out to her and have just been met with radio silence. I know she’s read the emails and messages, she’s online too much to have missed them. I even sent her one on Facebook, asking how she was and telling her that I’m thinking of her and I miss her. Yes, I’m still angry about everything that happened, but with her…it’s redundant. We will never get an apology for anything, anyway, because she doesn’t think she was wrong about anything. I know I won’t hear anything back from her, and I guess I’m a little ticked off with myself for giving in and sending that message. I’m worried that her and her friends will laugh over it and talk about how pathetic I am. {I wouldn’t put it past them…}.

There isn’t really a point to this post…I just felt the need to write about it, is all. I’m trying not to let this whole thing ruin my day with Nolan {and so far, I have been shockingly successful}. But he’s napping, and I’m sitting here alone thinking about it all. And it bites.

No matter how old you are, you still need your mother. And when your mother has decided you’re not good enough to partake in her new and exciting life? Well. It stings. A lot.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in emotional, frustration, hurt, I don't really know, scribbles. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Your Mother’s Guidance…

  1. Natasha says:

    I think the same goes for fathers. I love when you write posts like this because you put my feelings into words a lot. It's nice to know someone is going through the same hurt. My dad, if he can even be called that, basically refuses to acknowledge my existence. He never attended one birthday, graduation, or christmas. He didn't even know when I had my children until my brother told him.

    The only time he ever spoke to me was when he needed a favor. Not that I could ever ask for one in return. Eventually I made the decision that I just couldn't continue like that. I couldn't go years without him contacting me (even though he lives a half hr away) & then pretend everything is fine when he wants something.

    I finally wrote him a message one day & basically cut all ties. I told him how he missed out on my entire life & I'll never forgive him. I told him I'm at least owed an apology. It never came.

    & years later, it still hurts. I don't think things like this ever stop hurting. It hurts to know my kids are robbed of a grandfather. It hurts when I see people who have such awesome relationships with their dads. It just hurts to know he doesn't care about me the same way I care about my own kids.

    Sorry for the long comment. Just thought you should know you're not alone. At least you have those happy memories though. Hold onto them 🙂 Maybe one day they'll mean something to her too.

  2. Yeah it sucks, and it’s a feeling that its always gonna be there, you can ignore it to be happier like you do wisely but it will be there.

    There its no justification for your mom acting that way, not “normal” justification, but I can tell you that people are so different one from another, its unbelievable for you (and me) that a mom would just “wash off” from their kids, but maybe it will help you to think that in her way in her brain and in her body that’s all she can do, she certainly love you, I have no doubts about that, but she’s unable to show it, because she is trapped in that mind and body, that’s not a justification its just an explanation some people just can do what they can do, not more. She’s foolish and maybe insecure, and she feels uncomprehended by their daughters (although we now that that’s not reality) but the perceptions of people its what conform their reality, I bet your mom its so hurt inside, (but its no one fault but hers, even not hers, she cant be different) and she’s always in a defense mode, hers its pushing everyone away in a selfish way, so she isn’t gonna be hurt away. Why she acts like that? I don’t know, a psychiatrist could know, the point of this its just to tell you that even if her attitude its so unbelievable for you, and even if you are angry with her (with all reason) there is still love inside her for you, believe me. Maybe it’s not much, it’s not anything because she’s not there for you, but its something. Maybe someday when you can in the future it would be good if you talk about this subject with a psychiatrist, so you can make it more understandable for you, because its hard to deal with it just like that.

  3. You know I understand. And I'm here if ever you just want to talk. Love you. xoxo

  4. jessi ♥ says:

    @Natasha: *hugs* I get jealous too of people who have great relationships with their mothers. It sucks, I try not to be because it's not anybody's fault that my mom's gone. But yeah. I hear you, I know it will always sting. Especially because of the missing grandparent part 😦 hugs to you too!

    @Litzia: you're right, but I don't think talking to a psychiatrist will REALLY help. Even if I did, I'd still feel the sting and the pain of it. It's not affecting my life or parenting negatively, in fact it's doing the opposite. Driving me to have the strongest relationship possible with my kids, to ensure that they know I'm always here for them even if I don't agree, etc etc.

    @Karen Sugarpants: I know, love you too xoxo ❤

  5. Hannah says:

    Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog. 🙂 I'm so sorry that you have a rough relationship with your mom. That's so lame!!! I hope for your sake she can stop acting the way she is and be in your life again..

  6. jessi ♥ says:

    @Hannah: No problem! And it is lame, unfortunately. I do hope she comes to her senses one day…but I'm not sure that will happen. My mom has a lot of issues, and admitting she's been wrong about something has never happened before 😦 oh well. I'm thankful for my dad and sisters!

  7. You're right, no matter what you do need your mother. I'm sorry that she hasn't been there for you. Especially right now, when you're trying to cope with Nolan having MHE and being pregnant. It must be hard for you. I hope that writing about it at least relieves some pressure.

  8. jessi ♥ says:

    @Dannielle-Marie: It did relieve some of the pressure. I think this works for me: writing about it every once in a while when I really need to get it off my chest. Even if I sound like a broken record repeating myself…

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