Ups and Downs

Today wasn’t easy. I tried to keep distracted, but it started off conflicted and trying to get it to a positive note just seemed so hard. Nolan and I were able to escape for a little while, when we went to the play group. He had a blast and truthfully? So did I. Nolan made me a Mother’s Day card with one of the ladies who runs the program. He also made me a flower pot for a basil plant. It was pretty sweet. We read books, played with the other kids, and had a blast in the gym.

I even scored a little afternoon nap when Nolan went down, three hours of sleep. I slept like a rock. But all day long, I’ve been in a weird place, and not to mention…my right shoulder has been killing me. I can’t lift my arm, and doing simple tasks such as pouring Nolan some juice and doing dishes are just so excruciating. I can feel all the bumps on my shoulder and it doesn’t feel good at all, tons of bone growths that are really huge and it feels like they’re clustered together, almost like my ankle. Only worse. It’s a concern for me because my ankle is fused, I don’t have full movement at all in it and I can’t lose the movement of my right arm. So this worries me, considering I won’t be able to get an x-ray to see exactly what’s going on because I’m pregnant. The treatment would be surgery, of course, another thing that is out of the question right now. In regards to this disorder, 6 months is a long time to wait for a surgery if you need to have one. I waited 3 months for a leg surgery when I was a kid and the loss of movement in just three short months was insane.

So, yeah. I’m not sure what to do about that. Matt wants me to go see my specialist, and I guess I will (after I pay off my debt with the clinic that I keep forgetting about). Maybe I could at least get the ball rolling on the whole ordeal for after the birth of this baby. It’s just sucky, because I didn’t want to have surgery immediately after baby is born. I had to have a surgery when Nolan was 3 months old and it wasn’t easy at all. My milk dried up (I was breastfeeding him at the time) and I was miserable.

Since having Nolan, I’ve sort of put off my medical care a lot. I’m scared of having surgeries now, not because the surgery itself is scary, but because I’m terrified of leaving Nolan. I hate being away from him for any reason, and I feel bad when I have to get family to help us out. My mother was the one who begrudgingly helped me for every surgery, and now I have no idea how I’d pull off having surgeries. Matt can’t take time off school and work, and I can’t ask my family to miss work and/or school either. So, it’s complicated and that’s why I’ve put off taking care of myself medically. It’s not good, and I’m realizing that I need to change that. I should be having semi-annual check ups to ensure all is good. I should go to the doctor more often for things that are bothering me – before they reach the point of me being in tears over it (*cough* SHOULDER *cough*).

Thanks to the pain in my arm and the not so awesome emotions I’ve been dealing with, I’ve been a little…sad. Nolan has been amazing, any time I’ve started to feel sad or overwhelmed, he’s rushed over to cuddle me and bring the smile back on my face. My cousin, Karen, has also lifted my spirits by telling me some stuff I needed to hear, and remember.

So, ya, bottom line…today has been filled with tons of ups and downs. But, I survived it, and I’ll continue to survive.

Tomorrow, we’ll be back on track. It’s supposed to be sunny and gorgeous out, so Nolan and I are going to head to the park in his shiny new wagon that his Grandpa G got him for his birthday. I’m hoping my shoulder won’t cause me too much grief. I still want to go, even if it does, because I always feel like the worst mom ever for not doing fun stuff due to pain.


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in emotional, frustration, MHE, pain. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Ups and Downs

  1. tamara says:

    glad to hear you were able to have some fun today…staying busy is a good thing sometimes

    sorry your shoulder is bothering you…mine is too (thanks in part to sleeping on an air mattress all weekend and apparently just getting old lol)

    take it easy when you can and stop neglecting your health…won't do anyone any good in the long run

    p.s. cute photos 🙂

  2. jessi ♥ says:

    @Tamara: Thanks love! and you're right, of course haha.

  3. That would be very frustrating. I can't relate on the same level but when I was sick during Hannah's pregnancy and I had to leave Landon all the time to be in the hospital, and then for 2 days to have my c-section…I cried and cried and cried. So I understand the guilt you're feeling. But I can also assure you that you are a wonderful mother. Is there absolutely no way Matt could book time off work? Or perhaps you could go down south for your surgery and Nolan could stay with your dad? It does suck asking for help. If you're anything like me, it really effects your pride and need for independence. But you're the type of person who if you ask for help it's because you legitimately need it. So don't feel guilty for that either.

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