No Secret

I really don’t think this is any secret around here, but I am considered to be a “young mom”. I got pregnant and gave birth to my son, Nolan, when I was 19 years old. I don’t have a college or university education, yet.

I wish I could tell you that I had half the motivation as Tara and Alicia when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, but I really didn’t. Those two girls continued pursuing their educational goals and career dreams (they are seriously amazing, go read their blogs immediately!). I had no motivation, no sense of direction, and no goals. All I wanted to do was spend time with Matt and have fun. When I found out I was pregnant, it took me all of a month to officially drop out of the college program I was in because “I didn’t like teeth” (I was taking Dental Administration).

Yeah. Shameful. I’m still kicking myself for that one. And the worst part is? That wasn’t even the first college program I dropped out of after attending for only a few months. In 2007, I moved away for college and took a Social Service Worker course. I ended up dropping out because I gave up. I went through a difficult (at the time) breakup, had no friends (and in fact, I was being bullied by some of the girls in my program), and I was severely homesick.

Back in the day, I used to have a fleeting idea and jump aboard. It’s incredibly difficult for me to look back at myself and not want to knock myself upside the head. In high school, I had so much motivation. I had so much determination and drive. I wasn’t supposed to graduate with my class, because of all my surgeries that had ended up costing me too much time and therefore, credits. But somehow, I pulled it off and graduated with my class. I wouldn’t take no for an answer. All through high school I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to work in the social service field. I wanted to help people.

But I wasn’t prepared for college. It wasn’t the work and the studies that got me, no…it was the relationships. It was the difficulty of trying to fit in to a new town, a new place. It was the exile and the bullying, the breakup and the job I tried to balance. I failed. I fell. I gave up and I quit. If I had told someone about all the stress I was feeling, about my thoughts for leaving the program – I probably could have been talked out of it. But I kept my desire a secret and dropped out without them even knowing.

I regret quitting the first time around most, because I honestly loved the program. I loved all my classes and I was doing really good in them. I can’t hate myself entire for leaving that program, because if I didn’t than who knows if I would have fallen in love with Matt and accidentally gotten pregnant with the most wonderful little boy in the world? Even in my mind, I can’t risk not having those two guys in my life.

I can (and do) beat myself up over quitting the Dental Administration program. If I had stuck it out, I would have graduated and been done school by now. I could be working, making decent money to support my family instead of having to rely on disability because I can’t work any of the jobs I’m qualified for. So what if I didn’t like teeth, tons of people don’t like aspects of their jobs.

I think one of the reasons why I failed the second time around (other than not liking teeth) was that I was still depressed over failing the first time around. I jumped into a program I knew I wouldn’t like because I didn’t know what else to do. I should have taken the Child and Youth Worker program, like I wanted, but I let a so called friend talk me out of it. She told me I was too sensitive for such a field. And maybe I am, but I would have gotten stronger. I would have learned how to keep my spine straight.

Sigh. I’m just having one of those days, where I wonder what could have been? I know, it’s stupid to kick myself over past mistakes now.

It’s not like I’ll never go back to college and get an education, I fully plan on going as soon as this little baby in my belly hits the ripe age of 2. It gives me two more years to think in all seriousness about what kind of program I want to take, but I think I pretty much know. I would love to counsel young moms. I would love to help them find the courage, motivation, determination and resources to pursue their own career goals. I think I would be good at it, because I’ve been there. I am there, right now. I was lost over what my goals were, I had no motivation. My motivation is in the form of my family now, and in the last two years of living and thinking I’ve done.

Usually, I don’t let myself think about my past failings. I can tell you that I am extremely thrilled that I get to be a SAHM right now. But I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t think about this stuff every once in a while.


About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in past regrets, the blah blah blah, thoughts. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to No Secret

  1. Tamara says:

    that sucks about the whole college thing….I was in three different programs and two different colleges (took me five years to graduate)…it took me a few years to figure out what I wanted to do (ironically I am still not working in my field, but not for lack of trying)…

    do you know what you want to take yet when you do go back (and I do mean do, because I fully believe that if going back to school is what you want then you will do it)….if not maybe consider taking a class or two? Might help you decide what you do or don't want to take and plus, it would be a good way to take a few hours for yourself, meet some new people, etc…even though I know what I want to do (and I'm in the process of trying to get my business going) I'm still wanting to take a class at the local college

    I can't blame you for thinking about all this stuff…I think everybody does it once in awhile…I think a good way to try and figure out what you want in the future and what needs to be done to make it happen

    Sorry for the long comment but I tend to ramble something when it comes to stuff like this lol 🙂

  2. I know how you feel. I was a straight A' student with honors classes in highschool. Yet I gave up on continuing my education. I got bored of being the top of my classes after only three months. I hate saying that, because I know some people that have a hard time with school work (like my brother). I also have a big issue with being around a lot of people that I don't know, I'm not a real get out and meet people person. I always kick my self in the toosh when I think about it. I some times wonder where I would be if I had just dealt with it and hung in there. I always wanted to be a teacher. I hope to go back to school…..I just don't know when

  3. Shruthi says:

    Jess, you're a wonderful person and I honestly believe that your time in the career world is probably still on its way to you.

    Don't let the past affect you in any way. It's over. Being sensitive in the field of social work is an extremely powerful thing to have. IF you're not sensitive how are you going to be able to empathise and help? There are very few people who have the patience to make it in that field.

    Don't let this bog you down. I know that you will do what needs to be done to get things back on track with your education.

    Good luck! 🙂

  4. You will get it all done. I understand how you feel. I love my children and I want to be home with them until they go to school too…but after that I'd like to return to school as well. I love being a mom but being a mom isn't the only thing I want to be. Don't get down on yourself for not graduating before. Lots of young people realize after beginning college they didn't make the right choice. Including me! (I took one year of Police Foundations…lmfao…yeah…I know…laugh at me).

  5. You can do it! I totally understand, girl. I have similar feelings, and I'm 31! I dropped out of graduate school when I was pregnant with Ari. It happens.

    But you know what? You ARE motivated. You will achieve your goals, because they are important to you. Keep thinking positive and make a goal list. Believe in yourself and go for what you want!

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