I really don’t think this is any secret around here, but I am considered to be a “young mom”. I got pregnant and gave birth to my son, Nolan, when I was 19 years old. I don’t have a college or university education, yet.
I wish I could tell you that I had half the motivation as Tara and Alicia when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, but I really didn’t. Those two girls continued pursuing their educational goals and career dreams (they are seriously amazing, go read their blogs immediately!). I had no motivation, no sense of direction, and no goals. All I wanted to do was spend time with Matt and have fun. When I found out I was pregnant, it took me all of a month to officially drop out of the college program I was in because “I didn’t like teeth” (I was taking Dental Administration).
Yeah. Shameful. I’m still kicking myself for that one. And the worst part is? That wasn’t even the first college program I dropped out of after attending for only a few months. In 2007, I moved away for college and took a Social Service Worker course. I ended up dropping out because I gave up. I went through a difficult (at the time) breakup, had no friends (and in fact, I was being bullied by some of the girls in my program), and I was severely homesick.
Back in the day, I used to have a fleeting idea and jump aboard. It’s incredibly difficult for me to look back at myself and not want to knock myself upside the head. In high school, I had so much motivation. I had so much determination and drive. I wasn’t supposed to graduate with my class, because of all my surgeries that had ended up costing me too much time and therefore, credits. But somehow, I pulled it off and graduated with my class. I wouldn’t take no for an answer. All through high school I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to work in the social service field. I wanted to help people.
But I wasn’t prepared for college. It wasn’t the work and the studies that got me, no…it was the relationships. It was the difficulty of trying to fit in to a new town, a new place. It was the exile and the bullying, the breakup and the job I tried to balance. I failed. I fell. I gave up and I quit. If I had told someone about all the stress I was feeling, about my thoughts for leaving the program – I probably could have been talked out of it. But I kept my desire a secret and dropped out without them even knowing.
I regret quitting the first time around most, because I honestly loved the program. I loved all my classes and I was doing really good in them. I can’t hate myself entire for leaving that program, because if I didn’t than who knows if I would have fallen in love with Matt and accidentally gotten pregnant with the most wonderful little boy in the world? Even in my mind, I can’t risk not having those two guys in my life.
I can (and do) beat myself up over quitting the Dental Administration program. If I had stuck it out, I would have graduated and been done school by now. I could be working, making decent money to support my family instead of having to rely on disability because I can’t work any of the jobs I’m qualified for. So what if I didn’t like teeth, tons of people don’t like aspects of their jobs.
I think one of the reasons why I failed the second time around (other than not liking teeth) was that I was still depressed over failing the first time around. I jumped into a program I knew I wouldn’t like because I didn’t know what else to do. I should have taken the Child and Youth Worker program, like I wanted, but I let a so called friend talk me out of it. She told me I was too sensitive for such a field. And maybe I am, but I would have gotten stronger. I would have learned how to keep my spine straight.
Sigh. I’m just having one of those days, where I wonder what could have been? I know, it’s stupid to kick myself over past mistakes now.
It’s not like I’ll never go back to college and get an education, I fully plan on going as soon as this little baby in my belly hits the ripe age of 2. It gives me two more years to think in all seriousness about what kind of program I want to take, but I think I pretty much know. I would love to counsel young moms. I would love to help them find the courage, motivation, determination and resources to pursue their own career goals. I think I would be good at it, because I’ve been there. I am there, right now. I was lost over what my goals were, I had no motivation. My motivation is in the form of my family now, and in the last two years of living and thinking I’ve done.
Usually, I don’t let myself think about my past failings. I can tell you that I am extremely thrilled that I get to be a SAHM right now. But I’d be lying if I told you that I don’t think about this stuff every once in a while.