Oh Hey! I’m still here.

I’ve got a lot on my mind lately, and most of it hasn’t been great. Truth be told…I’ve been very anxious, stressed, and miserable lately. I suppose that I could blame the hormones and say they’re kicking my ass – because I do think they are. I never used to be this bad. I mean, I’ve always been a pretty anxious stress ball but this is different. I freak out over like everything. I’ve thrown more epic toddler fits in the past 3 days than my toddler has in his entire lifetime. It’s pretty sad. But…all this can’t just be blamed on the hormones. I need to accept some responsibility too.

I’ve had to sit back and take a good hard look at myself. And thanks to some insightful direction from my beautiful friend, Elle, I’ve learned that I’ve got to let the little stuff slide.

I know, I’ve written about squashing perfect out of my vocabulary…but if I’m being honest here (which I am), I haven’t been successful. Not at all. I’m always trying to maintain this perfect life: perfect house, perfect meals, perfect everything. It’s exhausting. I’m the root of the problem. Nolan and Matt could care less what we eat, so long as it (somewhat) resembles food. They could care less what the apartment looks like, so long as it’s not Hoarders style. It’s me. I don’t know why I have to have everything so goddamn perfect. I hate perfect. But I have this uncontrollable need to keep things perfect? I don’t get it.

But it’s getting to me. The fact that I’m 21 years old and never “act my age”. I never let loose, I never really relax. And I only have myself to blame; Matt tries to shove me out the door often but, unfortunately, I just don’t do for me. I only have a few friends in this town, and I’m pretty damn shy and awkward now. Plus I’m a homebody. Friday was the first time in a long time I got out of the house for a few hours, sans baby. I went out for dinner with a friend, and it was awesome. I need to do more stuff like that, because really? I don’t feel 21 years old.

I also don’t say thank you enough. I focus on the negative more than the positive. Instead of thanking Matt for all he does for me (grocery shopping, making me teas, making me breakfasts, interacting/helping with Nolan, working, going to school, giving me back rubs etc etc) all I see (or did see, anyway, before I got slapped by reality) is the dishes on the counter that I asked him to do that he still hasn’t gotten around to doing.

Today we got into a massive argument. All my doing, I flew off the handle because the LL came and asked, or rather told Matt he needed to get outside and shovel our steps/walkway and that they would do our driveway with the snow blower. Matt told LL not to worry about the steps, walkway or driveway, that he would do it later. We had just discussed how he was going to do it later, because he wanted to take Nolan and I out for dinner. But in that moment, we were watching a movie together and vegging out on the couch with Nolan. Both Matt and I haven’t been feeling the greatest today (he was throwing up all last night), so we were just taking a breather and chilling out. But when LL left, I felt the need to fly off the handle. Why? Because I knew that they would end up shoveling our walkway and steps if Matt didn’t go out right then and there, because when they feel it needs to be done in that moment, they don’t wait for us to do it. Then LL feels the need to tell me to tell Matt off for “never doing it” (he does do it, but they beat him to it more often than not). I don’t like it when LL shovels our walkway and driveway, especially when we tell her that we will do it. Because we will.

Matt’s point was this: I will shovel the driveway/walkway, I told them I would. I’m not going to drop everything I’m doing with my family right now just because they are out there doing theirs.
His point? Makes a lot of sense right now. I apologized for being a tyrant, but while we were making up I heard LL shoveling our steps and walkway. When I went to the front window, I noticed our driveway was plowed and our walkway/steps were cleared. While I am appreciative of their help…I’m a little irritated, because when its done like that, it doesn’t feel like help. It feels like we’re being told what to do and when to do it. We can see that there is snow on the ground, we know it needs to be cleared. BUT, if we owned this house? Hell if we were renting to our old landlord, we wouldn’t be told when to clear it, just to clear it. Our old landlord didn’t put time frames on when to shovel. We shoveled when we wanted to leave the house. So yeah…I dunno. Would you be irritated about that? Or is that just the preggo bitchiness setting in?

ANYWAY. What I’m trying to say is I’ve been a tyrant lately, and I’m sorry for it. I realize now how unfair I’ve been acting. And I’m tired of being miserable for no reason. I’m also so tired of being perfect.

All I have to do now is learn how to chill the hell out.

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About J.C. Hannigan

25. Mother. Wife. Lover of words. Weaver of stories. My first book, Collide, is available in e-book for Amazon Kindle and Kobo.
This entry was posted in confessions, confusion, depression, rants, scribbles. Bookmark the permalink.

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