There is a question that is burning in my mind right now, so much so that it truly isn’t even allowing me to take advantage of the fact that my son is sleeping and I should be too. It’s quite the odd question too, just something I randomly think about when left with nothing else to think about, or when thinking about certain people…like my best friend Kiwi (a name I wouldn’t have chosen for her, but she loves that nickname so we’ll leave it at that). Anyway, here is my question; is it possible to love more than one person in your lifetime?
I ask this because several of my friends seem to think so. I once had an interesting discussion with one of my friends about how there are different people to fill different kinds of love, like the “learning love” kind of love for example. You know the one I’m talking about, your “first love” so to speak. Many of us aren’t exactly proud of our “first love”, but I think it’s more or less because of how those loves end. Abruptly, without any hint of the ending coming…usually the breakup is harder on one person than the other, although it’s still hard for both in their own individual ways. It’s hard for most to admit it, and I’m only going to admit it now because I’ve truly thought about it. My first love was not Matt by any far stretch, and I really don’t wish that it had been because I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I learned from that other person. My “first love”, which I like to consider my “learning love” was actually Neil. Our relationship lasted just over a year before he suddenly broke up with me, after spending that very year telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me always. I thought I loved him, and maybe I did…or perhaps I simply just loved the idea of love. Towards the end, we did grow apart. I remember questioning him as much as he questioned me. His behavior started to be too immature for me, and I spoke to Karen about it several times. He dumped me suddenly and harshly, I didn’t see it coming…although I should have. I was blindsided by the promises he always gave me. I was stumped when it finally happened because I couldn’t believe that someone who spent so much time making promises would not actually end up keeping them, and I cried many a tears over it.
But my healing process was really only a month or so, after that I was just lonely. I wasn’t used to not talking to him. It was a habit more or less and breaking it was difficult. I learned, thanks to that relationship, that investing yourself in someone 100% is never a good idea. Sure, you can give your heart and love someone with all of it, but giving them every ounce of energy and time you have is just not a good idea, because what are you left with if something were to happen? I was left with, well, nothing. Nothing but a credit card debt from paying our way when he wasn’t working. I paid for all of his trips to come and see me up at school, something I do regret now because perhaps I would have spent more time making friends at that school and having fun instead of worrying about my relationship with him, because that’s really why I paid for his trips. I was worried that if he didn’t see me often he would forget about me. I suppose I didn’t have to worry about that in the end, because he forgot about me anyway.
Although I no longer have any feelings towards Neil, I still wonder what exactly made him stop loving me…if he ever did love me that is. Was it my insecurity of myself? Or just something completely unavoidable? At the time of the breakup, I couldn’t see why we had drifted apart. Even though I had moved to go to college, I still gave our relationship attention.
Sometimes now, I wonder what is keeping Matt in love with me. I may be slightly smarter and wiser, but I’m really no different. I still carry the same emotional baggage of my own insecurities. I still can’t see what makes me so great. I mean really, Matt is an insanely good looking guy, he could land any girl he wanted and he choose me and I can’t help but wonder why. Every time I ask him, he replies “Why not?” as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
I guess it goes both ways though, because the rare occasions when Matt asks me why I love him (usually after I ask him), I reply with the same answer…because it makes sense to me. He’s every thing I could have ever wanted in a man and more. He does things without me having to ask. He cares for me in every single way, and loves that I care for him in every single way. He’s happy to come home and just hold me, we never have to spend money on each other to feel spoiled.
But there is a fear a me in…a fear that one day perhaps Matt will wake up and decide that I’m not the person he wants to be with. I worry that we’ll grow apart in some way and that it’ll be too late to repair things and drift closer. I let him have his space, and he lets me have mine because I know that’s just as important as spending time together. I love my alone time. I love to spend it either with my friends or simply just reading. Matt prefers his alone time to be spent with his friends chilling out, and that’s not a problem with me. I try not to entertain my fears by worrying about him cheating, because I know he never would…he’d end it before he cheated on me because that’s just the kind of person he is.
But enough of these thoughts, the whole point of this post really was to just get them out of my head so I could sleep without wondering. What about you? Do you think that it’s possible to love more than one person in a lifetime? And does finding your true love make all those previous loves mean that they never were actual love? Answer in the comments, perhaps we could get an interesting debate going on.