This morning I woke up feeling a little more then smoopey. I had had a little argument the night before with my mom over my lack of time spent at home, and was feeling pretty worthless and selfish (which I shall most likely go in deeper detail about later) and I was also due in the big T.O for a doctor’s appointment – which I wasn’t very optimistic about considering doctor’s appointments in T.O last all day normally, and results are normally frustrating or depressing.
However, after I showered and readied myself for the day, I checked my phone and was shockingly surprised to see that I had received a text message from my cousin Karen. Basically, it just said “I blawgggged about you. Xo” and because I can’t contain the excitement of being blawgggged about by other writers, I rushed down to the nearest computer and was tickled pink to see that I had won an award! Me!
Karen indeed had blawgggged about me, and it was all about her presenting me with an adorable award. She made me laugh and cry…it was seriously better then CATS. Seriously…although I haven’t actually been on Broadway or even seen the play CATS but whatever, I bet it beats it!
As far as I understand, I have to award this thing to 10 people that I love THIS much, which is a difficult decision for me to make because my heart is so often bursting with love for like everyone and everything! But here it goes…in no order at all. Obviously you guys know that my blog lacks any structure and order at all 😀
Jessica at So Supercilious – I only recently started reading her blog, but damn it I’m hooked! You can’t tear me away from it! She reminds me very much of myself, and I can completely relate to her witty commentary of every day life. Soon enough she shall be my partner in crime (although she doesn’t really know that yet – stalkerish much? sure), filming the epic adventures of Sarcastica bar hopping at 19. She definitely is one of the few teen bloggers that I read [and thoroughly enjoy]. She’s not afraid to speak – or rather, write – her mind and for that reason Jessica, I love you THIS much!
Sarah at A Child’s Romance – Also a new read, and another new blogger that completely blows my mind! Sarah has an amazing way with words, and writes beautiful poetry! She’s witty, she’s funny, she’s real. She doesn’t fall into a sub category and that is absolutely refreshing! She blogs about a wide range of things from her own poetry writings to job frustrations (which are always hilarious to read) and friend issues. It’s great seeing that more and more people are being more open with their blogs, and Sarah is one of them. I love you THIS much Sarah, for being real and raw!
Girl, Dislocated at Girl, Dislocated – I started reading Girl, Dislocated like a year ago, and ever since the first entry I read, I’ve been hooked. GD is a woman suffering from a rare medical condition, but her outlook on life in general is just so not what you would expect it to be. No matter how bad it gets, GD has an outlook that picks even me up just by reading. She has hilarious stories of bones popping out at the most inconvenient times and by her writing, you can tell that she accepts who she is 100%, despite how hard popping your joints back in to place in the grocery store line up is. She sympathizes with me for my health woes (although I never have hilarious stories to share 😦 darn eh?) and makes me feel, just from reading her posts, that life is not just about a medical disorder. For that reason Girl, Dislocated, I love you THIS much!
Jess at Bumblebee Dreams – Jess was a long time lurker of mine (I think that’s what she said) and first started to comment during one of my [not so] private posts. In turn, I checked out her blog and instantly fell in love with it. Now you can’t get me a way from it! I absolutely love her writing style, and she occasionally shares very inspirational stories from her childhood that I personally can relate to in my current situation. She sees things in the same kind of light that I do, and I adore that! For being a wicked awesome person Jess, I love you THIS much!
Bennie at A Work of Art: Raising Our Exceptional Son – If you have not yet seen or read this blog, do so now. Trust me. It will open your eyes in so many ways! Bennie is an exceptional writer who is able to give you a birds eye view of what raising a child with special needs is like. The way he writes brings you right in to the life of his son, Ben, who is remarkable in every way. He’s taught me a lot about so many things, and for that Bennie, I love you THIS much. [Note to Bennie; you probably know me as Jessi/Jess from A Medical Mystery…I’m not some creepy stalker, don’t worry!].
Angelique at It’s Raining Noodles – One of the Best Teen Weblog finalists in the 2008 Bloggies; and definitely one of the best teen writers out there! She definitely seems like someone I could relate to easily and get along with spectacularly as she views life the same way I do! She never fails to entertain me with her random posts, and always makes me think with her posts on life situations. For this reason Angelique, I love you THIS much!
Avitable at Avitable: Tact Is For Pussies – Definitely one of the MOST ballsy bloggers I know! Most would agree, as they are literally pictures all over the net! His sense of humour is a bit sick and twisted, but admit it…you laugh just as much as I do! Avitable has been a blogging friend of mine for years now, and although sometimes his comments have absolutely nothing to do with the posts they are supposedly in response to, that’s another reason to like him. Because he’s random…like myself (although I’m random in a less freaky/sexual way). For actually building me a pink unicorn bedroom Avitable, I love you THIS much!
Miss Britt at Miss Britt – I LOVE her writing! She’s suave and chic, but at the same time she’s honest and raw. Some of her posts make me want to cry and some of them make me double over in pain from laughing so much (thus drawing weird looks from people around me). She’s also a hilarious drunk, and for that reason Miss Britt, I love you THIS much!
NYC Watchdog at A Pile Of Dog Bones – NYC Watchdog is a really spectacular person, and I’m totally not stretching the truth. He has one of the biggest hearts out of everybody I’ve met (well figuratively anyway, through his writings) in the blogging world. He’s been through a hell of a lot that nobody should have to go through, yet still he stands and offers that same compassionate understanding that Dog is so known to have. For those reasons and a million more Dog, I love you THIS much!
Rik at Person Without a Clue – Rik has been a blog friend of mine since I started waaay back in 2005. He’s been the fatherly type, offering advice and sympathy when I mess up big and generally just being there for me. He is a thoughtful, compassionate person and it definitely shows in his writings on his own blog and in his comment responses to the whacked out stuff I have to say! Because you’re so smart Rik, I love you THIS much!
….and even though you’re technically not supposed to re-send the award back to the person who sent it to you, I just couldn’t resist…
Karen at Karen Sugarpants – She is basically the reason why I started blogging. It was her idea and suggestion that I start my first blog, the late Miss Misery Smiles, as a place to vent and pour my heart and soul into – which I have done, clearly…at the expense of some friendships and groundings. Ever since I started, I have always aspired to be as awesome as she is. I have always looked up at her and considered her to be one of my big sisters; and I feel that I am closer to her then I am my other sisters, because she’s really a cousin and that makes it easier. Sisters are supposed to piss each other off, but Karen rarely pisses me off because she’s able to look at a situation I’m in and give me an unbiased suggestion or opinion without freaking out on me for messing up. I’ve called her crying many a nights…and she’s always taken the calls and comforted me with ease. I suppose you could say I make her feel young and she makes me feel older, we are like almost the same person only at different ages. It’s wicked. For all those reasons and more Karen, I love you THIS much!
There are many more people on my list of loving THIS much but I have already been blogging now since like 10 (so an hour and half ago I started this post). Feel free to do this meme thing if you want! It is really nice to sit back and appreciate some of the fellow bloggers out there.
Now would be the later part of this post; where I discuss my day[s] and vent about all that sucked (so like everything? No not really…I’m not totally emo). Warning: It’s basically a negativity outpour.
Yesterday I had a really crummy afternoon. I just felt so unreasonably insecure and smoopey, even before I had the argument with my mom. Well, I guess my smoopey mood as of late is not totally unreasonable, or so Dragon, Booth and I concluded. There have been a lot of things making me feel crumby. Here is the list, sort of summed up a bit:
- I feel like my relationship with my older sister is suffering due to the amount of time I spend with Booth. I can’t understand why, as I’ve been extremely careful to not intrude on newly wed time and barge in to her house everyday visiting. I find it harder to talk to her every time because she always seems so pissed off at me, and I’m sure you all have a hard time talking to someone who seems pissed off at you.
- I have been searching diligently for a part or full time job this summer, and have not yet wielded any good decent results (save for the 4 day job I have starting tomorrow – and that’s being a shakeboard dancer). Pressure is being put on me at all angles for this as my funds are being stretched hard core and school is just around the corner.
- Because I have not gone to school or worked in like 5 months, I feel like a worthless piece of noncontributing poop. I also know several important family members views on my dropping out of college…and their fears for me doing it again. I didn’t want to be known as “The College Dropout”, but I guess that dropping out of college would earn you that nickname.
- I’m sore. All the time. I barely want to move now and I hate feeling like that. Because of this feeling, I booked the appointment with my doctors, hoping that they would be able to do something about the pain. But I found out today that unfortunately they can’t do much for all my concerns. My hips pop and my ankles lock because of all the bone growths/tumours surrounding them and the looseness that is my joints and ligaments. They can’t realign my ankles because the treatment might be more worse then the now…and healing could be a long process. I might not even heal. I will be having a surgery though to shave down one of the bone growths on my ankle that I believe is the reason behind my locked up leg.
- So the possibility of a surgery brings me even more concern for the summer; as I need money and a summer job, but I also need this surgery and having a surgery will definitely put me out for a while.
Now the argument I spoke of earlier on in this post happened basically because my relationships with my parents seem strained these days. There are several reasons why they are strained; because they don’t seem to understand me and because of the fact that I’m not spending a lot of time at home. Yes, I know…the simple solution would be to spend more time at home and try to explain myself, but this is easier said then done. I’m a hard person to understand, and I sort of suck at confrontations (which is why I’m blogging about it instead of talking about it).
So why am I never home? Well that’s a good question. I would like to be home, but at the same time I just can’t be…for several reasons. A small part is that I’m concerned about my health as that mold is still in the downstairs bathrooms…and it’s worse and spreading. And I know that writing this will just piss my parents off, but its been years now. House mold is unbelievably bad for the health; mold spores stick to the lungs and cause respiratory problems on top of a million other problems. At night, I have a hard time falling asleep because I can’t breathe at night and my stomach issues are getting ridiculous. Another reason why I’m not really home is because whenever I am at home, everyone’s off doing their own thing…barely interacting with each other and they seem mad whenever I try to make conversation. I get lonely. Not to mention, I’m 18 going on 19 living in the middle of nowhere; basically when I’m home I’m stranded. Not having a license and living in the boondocks makes job searches HARD.
So ya, lately I’ve been smoopey. I’ve been taking a lot of things to heart and I know I shouldn’t but I can’t really help that. When you’re already in a bad mood and people start making bad jokes about things, you take it harder then you would if you were in a good mood.
What would fix this? Well…it’s hard to say really. Moving out would fix it for now, because I really don’t want to be here anymore if the mold is still going to be here. I take a shower and all I can smell is MOLD; because the towels touch it along the walls. I can’t sleep at night because it’s all I can smell. So I’m tired and cranky and smoopey. But moving out would seriously piss my parents off. They would think that I want to move in with Dragon and Booth to do the naughty whenever I like, which is completely not true. Like I’ve mentioned before a thousand times, if people want to do the naughty then they’ll do it regardless of their living status. They also fear that if I move out, I’ll be partying nonstop — which is completely not true. I have never really been a partier, I’m more of a homebody. On occasion I do party, but I don’t over do it (at least not in the past 4 months). But I really don’t want to piss my parents off or hurt them any more then they’ve already been hurt…but I’m not happy here and it gets harder and harder to pretend each day.
So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I haven’t even spoken to my parents yet about this because I’m afraid of their reactions. I sort of hope that they read my blog this time…because I don’t know how to explain myself.
[Anyway folks, if you read this; know that I don’t want to move out…it might just be more convenient for me…at the moment anyway. Don’t hate me…I love you both. Xoxoxo. It’s just an idea.]
Blah. Well ya. That’s all for now I guess since this post is WAYYY to long.